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STANDARD BOOK OP 





































STANDARD BOOK OF 


ETIQUETTE 


Social Forms and Good Manners 
for All Occasions 


. / 

By Renee B. Stern 


CHICAGO 


LAIRD & LEE, INC. 

Publishers 

c. c I “D' 




B3l%53 

S%5 

i 


Copyright, 1924 
By LAIRD & LEE, Inc. 


Printed in the United States of 



SEP-3'24 


America 


©C1A800G69 
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CONTENTS 


CHAPTER PAGE 

I. What Is Etiquette?. 9 

II. Greetings and Salutations.12 

III. Introductions. 18 

IV. Conversation.30 

V. Cards and Visits.37 

VI. In Public Places. 53 

VII. Invitations and Announcements.63 ^ 

VIII. Notes and Letters.69 

IX. Titles: In Correspondence and Conversation . . 78 

X. Teas and Other Afternoon Entertainments . . 84 

XI. Breakfasts, Luncheons and Suppers.92 

XII. Dinners: Formal and Informal.97 

XIII. Table Setting and Service.109 

XIV. Manners at the Table.116 

XV. Small Dances and Balls.122 

XVI. The Hostess, the Guest and Hospitality . . . 133 

XVII. The Gentleman as Host and as Guest ... 141 

XVIII. Spinsters and Chaperons.146 

XIX. Courtship and Engagements.152 

XX. Before the Wedding.158 

XXL The Wedding.176 

XXII. After the Wedding.188 

XXIII. Christenings.191 

XXIV. Funerals .194 

XXV. Travel.200 

XXVI. Automobile and Carriage Courtesy.214 

XXVII. Telephone Etiquette.218 

XXVIII. Clubs and Their Customs.222 

XXIX. Flag Courtesy.225 

XXX. Dress for Various Occasions.228 

XXXI. The Servant in the House.234 

XXXII. Children’s Manners and Entertainments ... 238 

XXXIII. Business Courtesies and Customs.242 


v 































































- 


































































FOREWORD 



HE average American needs little advice on conduct- 


A ing himself in a seemly manner in public. His be¬ 
havior and that of his family are such as one expects in a 
civilized country. But many a family that has general 
ideas on good behavior is puzzled as to what is the prefer¬ 
able course of procedure in some specific instance. The 
older books of etiquette do not take cognizance of the 
modifications wrought in the past quarter of a century 
nor the more radical changes of the past dozen years. 

Changed conditions of living have modified our con¬ 
ception of what constitutes good manners in certain instances. 
We may know the procedure when we pay a call at a 
house, but what is the correct form when we call on 
friends who live in an apartment house where there is no 
hall attendant? Do we go directly upstairs or wait for a 
signal? Where do we leave our cards if nobody answers 
our ring? Then, too, what invitations may be issued by 
telephone and which still require the formal engraved in¬ 
vitation? Does the woman living alone have her full name 
on her letter box, and does she make a distinction between 
her business card and her social one ? What are the 
socially preferred hours for a wedding ceremony? 

These and a hundred other questions may well puzz4e 
the man or woman who remembers the days when few homes 
boasted telephones; when our idea of a several-family house 
was a “tenement”; when few women, socially acceptable, 
lived alone, and still fewer entered business life; when the 
evening wedding was as popular as is the morning function 
today. 


vii 


Vlll 


Foreword 


Because the average book on etiquette takes little cogni¬ 
zance of changed procedure due to changed mode of living 
and still less of the fact that different parts of the country 
accept certain customs rejected by others, this book has been 
written. Its aim is to tell in a simple, easily-consulted form 
the accepted social procedure under given circumstances. 
When methods must be modified according to the amount 
of paid service one can command, methods in the servantless 
house, the house with one maid and the establishment with 
a retinue are all differentiated. When customs vary in dif¬ 
ferent parts of the country, this fact is noted. 

The author has had the advice and assistance of those 
whose life has been spent in the best of American and 
European social circles as well as of those whose business 
it is to advise on entertaining, proper dress for various oc¬ 
casions and management of the household. In this way 
the local variations have been checked up and statements 
made as to the difference between the theoretically correct 
procedure and that commonly accepted. 

The war brought a certain disregard for good manners. 
We are now on the return swing of the pendulum, and 
never before have we noted such universal interest in learn¬ 
ing proper social procedure as we do today. A training in 
the ordinary courtesies is being accepted as an essential 
part of a good education. And because of this widening 
interest the following volume has been written to tell the 
“what, when and how” of good manners and social life. 




Standard Book of Etiquette 

Chapter I 

WHAT IS ETIQUETTE? 

E TIQUETTE is the accepted conventional form of good 
manners required by the customs of polite society. A 
quiet, assured poise and ease of manner are gained only by 
the constant exercise of well-bred behavior. The person 
who “puts on good manners for company” may follow all 
the rules of etiquette, but will nevertheless lack the natural 
ease that stamps one “to the manner born.” 

The dictates of etiquette are seldom the result of arbi¬ 
trary decision, being rather the outgrowth of experience or 
historic survivals. For instance, several modern customs 
date back to the days of knighthood. His lady’s safety dic¬ 
tated that her knight precede her in going down stairs and 
outdoors and that he follow her in entering any building 
or equipage and that he walk on the curb side of the pave¬ 
ment. In other words, he always maintained the position 
most convenient for guarding her from danger, and we see 
the survival of these precautions in the etiquette of today. 
Again, when two armored knights met, they raised their 
visors that they might see whether they faced friend or foe, 
and of this custom the raising of the hat is a reminder. 

Time changes some customs, place modifies others, but 
well-bred people are much the same the country over. Slight 
variations are found in what best society considers etiquette 
under given conditions. Formal calls are fewer in busy New 
York than in many other cities; a chaperon is more fre¬ 
quently essential in the old Southern States than in the North 
or West. But, on the whole, good manners in one place 


10 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


are good manners in another. A courteous new-comer learns 
and conforms to local preferences, while a well-bred host is 
usually considerate and broad-minded enough to realize that 
slight mistakes in form may be due to customs of different 
localities, rather than willful disregard of convention. 

In foreign lands the “best society” consists largely of the 
older aristocracy, of families noted for generations for their 
culture, and also some of the more brilliant and wealthy of 
those who have rendered conspicuous service to the State. 
Newer elements creep in, are tolerated for a generation and 
then either drop out or are able to entrench themselves 
firmly, according to their ability to conform to the demands 
of society. 

In America the best society is usually considered that group 
whose families have had for generations a broad culture and 
association with European social life. Wealth may some¬ 
times open the doors to a newcomer, but he must offer more 
than wealth to make himself a part of the best society. 
A certain type of short story and of motion picture would 
make us believe that the beautiful cloak model, garbed in 
the latest styles and moving with undulating grace, can glide 
into circles of social standing and culture and, if she have 
money, become part of them. But it takes more than money 
and appearance to open society’s doors. The young woman 
would need the basic knowledge of art and literature, of 
sports and social procedure, that people of the best society 
expect as a matter of course; she would have to speak cor¬ 
rect English at least, if not foreign languages. In short, 
her wealth and beauty would need the reinforcement of 
culture that comes with generations of good education and 
gentle breeding. 

Many newspapers blazon the names of women who give 
large and showy entertainments and make themselves promi- 




What Is Etiquette? 


11 


nent in the society columns, yet such persons may be actually 
unknown to the best society of their home cities. 

Best society is exclusive, and naturally so. But in our 
larger communities there are several desirable social groups 
and no one group can claim to embrace all there is of desir¬ 
able society. It takes time and practice to know all the 
details of polite behavior, but the person with well-modulated 
voice, a fair education and a knowledge of the required eti¬ 
quette on a given occasion is able to mingle with any group. 
And opportunity to know what is required on a given occa¬ 
sion is offered in the following pages. 




Chapter II 

GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS 


W HEN friends or acquaintances meet the bow is an al¬ 
most instinctive gesture of greeting. While a gentle¬ 
man is supposed to wait for recognition from a lady, and a 
younger woman for the bow of a matron, the greeting be¬ 
tween friends is usually simultaneous. But when meeting for 
the first time after an introduction, a gentleman waits to 
be first recognized by the lady. 

When the Hat Is Tipped 

A gentleman lifts or “tips” his hat as a conventional ges¬ 
ture of politeness under certain circumstances. When made 
to strangers this gesture is made without the accompanying 
smile and bow that are accorded acquaintances and friends. 
The hat is lifted an inch or two from the head, drawn slightly 
forward and then back to replace it. Merely putting the 
hand up in salute, unless one be a military man in uniform, 
is too much like the gesture of a servant in receiving an 
order and touching his cap in acknowledgment. 

The hat is taken off with the left hand, or, if removed 
with the right, is transferred to the left so that the right 
hand is free for shaking hands. A stiff hat is held by the 
front of the brim in raising it. The soft hat must be taken 
by the front of the crown. An officer raises his cap by the 
visor. 

No gentleman keeps cigar or cigarette in his mouth while 
he raises his hat, nor does he smoke while talking to a lady 
in a public place. 

Men nod to each other, but a well-bred man raises his hat 
to one much older, a clergyman or other person of distinction. 

12 


Greetings and Salutations 


13 


In the South men are more likely to raise their hats to 
each other than in the North. Both ladies and gentlemen 
are punctilious in bowing to both their household and busi¬ 
ness employees when they meet them in public places, as 
well as to clerks who regularly serve them in shops they fre¬ 
quent, and they bow first, as self-respect keeps the others 
from forcing recognition. 

A gentleman lifts his hat to women of his own family, 
showing the same courtesy to his young sister or daughter 
that he would to any lady, and ladies are similarly careful 
to exact and return the greetings of small boys in their 
families when they meet in a public place. 

A gentleman lifts his hat slightly when a lady enters a 
public elevator on which he is a passenger if she steps by 
him; also if he is obliged to pass her in a narrow aisle or 
steps aside to allow her to pass. Similarly, he raises his 
hat if he restores a glove or other object dropped by a lady, 
and she should bow and smile in thanking him. 

On a crowded street car, in offering his seat to a lady, a 
gentleman lifts his hat as he says, “Please take my seat,” 
and will again lift his hat when she says, “Thank you.” Not 
to thank a man who offers his seat, opens a window or per¬ 
forms some other little courtesy is a sign of ill-breeding 
on the part of any woman. Only if a woman is about to 
get off a car should she refuse a proffered seat, since to refuse 
without a valid, given reason is an unwarranted rebuff. If 
a gentleman accompanies a lady to whom some courtesy is 
offered he raises his hat to the other man in acknowledg¬ 
ment of the kindness. 

A gentleman raises his hat when he asks a stranger a 
question, such as direction on a street, or when accosted by 
a lady with a request for some such information. 

When a gentleman stops to speak to a lady on the street 




14 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


or in a public corridor, he removes his hat and, after greet¬ 
ing her, asks if he may walk a little way with her if he 
wishes to talk to her. He replaces his hat if they walk on 
together, but if they stand still and converse, the lady should 
suggest that he put on his hat, which he again raises at 
parting. 

When the Hat Is Removed 

Besides taking off his hat when standing talking to a 
lady on the street or in a public corridor, a gentleman re¬ 
moves his hat during the passing of the flag, and, in a 
foreign land, pays similar respect to the flag of that country. 
During the playing of the national anthem a gentleman 
stands with his hat off. 

If the passing of a funeral compels a man to stand until 
it has passed he removes his hat while the cortege goes 
by. This custom is more rigorously followed in Europe, 
where men on a passing bus will take off their hats. In 
attending burial services hats are removed at the grave, al¬ 
though in colder climates the serious results to the living 
have modified this custom so that men sometimes stand 
with hand to hat-brim as if about to raise it. When the 
coffin is borne to and from the hearse, all stand bare-headed. 

In some elevators, usually those in apartment buildings, 
hotels, clubs and some of the more exclusive shops and 
office buildings frequented by women, men remove their 
hats when ladies enter, but in the average office or shop ele¬ 
vator gentlemen remove their hats only when ladies of their 
acquaintance enter, or tip their hats if ladies step back to 
make room for them. 

^Cutting” 

No gentleman may ever cut any woman by refusing to 
recognize her greeting, and only for a most unforgivable 





Greetings and Salutations 


15 


reason may a lady cut a man whom she knows. It is easy 
enough to allow one’s gaze to turn elsewhere and avoid 
giving an unwelcome acquaintance a chance to bow. But 
cutting is done only under extreme provocation. Absent- 
mindedness or defective sight may make a person pass an¬ 
other without recognition, but that is forgivable and not to 
be confused with the direct stare of the “cut” which refuses 
recognition while looking at the person. 

If a person bows whom one cannot place, better bow 
slightly rather than run the risk of offending one whom 
you should know. Only if a person seems to be forcing 
acquaintance should return recognition be refused. 

Other Customs 

In meeting the same person several times within a short 
while, the bow is not repeated after the second meeting, a 
smile or seemingly accidental looking in the other direction 
saving the situation. 

When a lady enters a room a gentleman always rises 
and stands until she is seated. In a public place he rises 
only for women of his acquaintance, if a lady addresses 
him or if those with whom he is seated rise. In a restau¬ 
rant, when a lady bows, a gentleman merely makes a motion 
as if to rise, bows and drops back into his chair, unless 
the lady comes to the table to speak to some one. In that 
case he rises and remains standing until she leaves or is 
seated at the table. 

If a gentleman be with friends who greet a lady 
with whom he is unacquainted, he tips his hat without 
bow or smile. A lady usually bows very slightly when 
her companions bow to those who are strangers to 
her, unless she can have her attention seemingly turned else¬ 
where. 




16 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


A gentleman in any public place with persons he would 
not wish ladies to meet should look away and avoid 
allowing ladies of his acquaintance to make the mistake of 
knowing him when he appears with undesirable com¬ 
panions. 

A safe general rule is that public building corridors, public 
art galleries and hotel lobbies are the same as a public street 
in matters of etiquette. 

When to Shake Hands 

When shaking hands do so cordially, with a firm, quick 
hand-clasp that is neither lifelessly limp nor hard enough 
to hurt. Neither raise the hand high nor shake it, do not 
drop it quickly nor hold it over-long, but relinquish it quietly 
when the greeting is over. 

It is the lady’s privilege to shake hands or not when 
greeting a gentleman. If he thinks she w r ill offer her hand 
he should raise his hat with his left hand so that his right 
is free to clasp hers. While a gentleman is not supposed 
to offer his hand first, should he absent-mindedly do so, 
the lady should not ignore the proffered greeting but 
should shake hands promptly. While she will not usually 
shake hands with friends casually met on the street, she will 
make exception for relatives of her future husband or 
close relatives of her own or the families of her intimate 
friends. 

A hostess shakes hands with guests who come to her 
house and again when they take their leave. A gentleman 
usually removes his glove before shaking hands with his 
hostess, except at a dance or at the opera, and an usher 
never removes his glove. 

In leaving an entertainment in a private home a gentle¬ 
man takes leave of his hostess and shakes hands, and may 




Greetings and Salutations_ 17 

do the same with his host and a few personal friends, but 
he does not go about making individual leave-takings. 

A young girl waits for an elderly person or a matron 
to make the first move to shake hands. When introduced, 
two women may shake hands or merely bow, the latter 
being the usual procedure outdoors. 


2—Aug. 24 




Chapter III 
INTRODUCTIONS 


HERE are few exceptions to the rule that a gentleman 



JL is introduced to a lady. On informal occasions the 
word “introduce” may be used or the two names repeated 
without other phrase, but when making a formal introduc¬ 
tion it is preferable to use the word “present,” as: 

“Mrs. Manners, may I present Mr. Young?” 

Exceptions to the rule of presenting the gentleman to the 
lady are: the President of the United States, a reigning 
sovereign, a cardinal or a bishop. To these either a lady or 
a gentleman is presented. 

“Mr. President, I have the honor to present Mrs. Man¬ 
ners, of Boston.” 

The introduction to a cardinal is worded: “Your Emi¬ 
nence, may I present Mrs. Manners?” 

To a king the real formality of presenting lists of names 
is gone through beforehand and the actual presentation of 
an accepted name is repeated by functionaries, the name 
alone, “Mrs. Manners,” being repeated to the sovereign. 

One other possible exception to presenting the gentleman 
to the lady is that of a parent introducing a very young 
woman to an elderly and distinguished guest: “Mr. Achieve¬ 
ment,—my daughter, Marian.” 


Use of Titles 


The clergy are usually introduced as “Mister” unless they 
hold the title of Doctor, Bishop, Dean or Canon, or, in the 
case of a Catholic priest, the form “Father” is correct. A 
physician, judge, senator or foreign ambassador is always 
introduced by title, the senator even after he is out of office, 
although the President and Vice-President of the United 


18 


Introductions 


19 


States, once their terms are over, are again introduced as 
“Mister.” The title is sometimes retained for an ex-judge 
who has served over a long period. 

Most men who hold the title “Doctor” without being 
members of either the clerical or medical profession or uni¬ 
versity professors (doctors of laws or philosophy, for in¬ 
stance) prefer being addressed as “Mister,” and that is cor¬ 
rect form. 

Cabinet members are introduced as “Mr. Secretary Blank,” 
and mayors and governors by their titles. The Duke of 
Somewhere and Lord Someone are introduced by these titles, 
but such phrases as “His Grace” and “His Lordship” are 
used by inferiors and not by social equals. “The Honorable” 
is addressed as “Mr. Important” or “Mrs. Important.” 

And, excepting the few cases noted above, the gentleman 
is presented to the lady, no matter how distinguished he be 
or how unknown or young she may be. 

Usual Forms of Introduction 

When introducing two gentlemen to each other the 
younger or less eminent is presented to the other. 

When two ladies meet, the unmarried woman is presented 
to the matron when both are about the same age, but a very 
young married woman may be introduced to an older or 
more distinguished unmarried one. 

The more usual form of introduction used on all but the 
most formal occasions merely repeats the two names: “Mrs. 
Manners, Mr. Gregory,” the first being given with a slightly 
rising inflection as if the name were prefaced with, “May I 
introduce?” and the second name with falling inflection as 
if in answer. 

In introducing a member of her family a hostess may say, 
“Mrs. Gregory, my daughter Alice,” or if the daughter be 




20 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


married, “Mrs. Gregory, my daughter, Mrs. Wayne-Smith,” 
or if the mother has re-married and her surname differs from 
that of her daughter, ‘‘Mrs. Gregory, my daughter, Alice 
Wayne.” She also mentions the surname of her mother, 
brother or sister, since these are not the same as her own. 
Her husband is usually introduced as “my husband, Mr. 
Smith,” although an Englishwoman would use merely the 
formal “Mr. Smith.” 

While Mrs. Smith introduces her daughter to a lady or 
elderly gentleman as her “daughter Alice,” she would say 
only “my daughter” to a young man, because to call her 
“Miss Alice” (except in the South) is extremely bad taste, 
yet a young man must not be presented to “Alice.” He can 
easily find out her name later if he desires. 

Other accepted phrases are: 

“Mrs. Thomas, do you know Mrs. Young?” or 
“Mrs. Thomas, you know Mrs. Young, don’t you?” or 
“Mrs. Thomas, have you met Mrs. Young?” or 
“Mrs. Thomas, you know my daughter Alice, don’t you?” 
Phrases to avoid are: “make you acquainted with,” “shake 
hands with,” or, “Mr. Jones, meet Mrs. Thomas,” this last 
committing the added blunder of introducing the lady to the 
gentleman. 

When two persons who are acquainted are presented to 
a third, it is quite correct to say, “Mrs. Manners, may I 
present Mr. Jones (glancing at him) and (turning to the 
other) Mr. Brown?” This is far less cumbersome than mak¬ 
ing two separate introductions, although the latter is not 
incorrect. 

Reply to an Introduction 
The accepted phrase in acknowledging an introduction is, 
“How do you do?” The lady smiles and bows slightly as 
she uses the words, and she may offer her hand or not as 




Introductions 


21 


she chooses; but if a gentleman proffers his hand it is dis¬ 
courteous on her part to ignore it, as many men little given 
to formal social life will mechanically extend their hand 
when introduced. Two men shake hands on being intro¬ 
duced ; two ladies may, or may not, do so. 

In response to the “How do you do?” from a lady, a 
gentleman merely bows and smiles and waits for her to open 
the conversation. If she knows something of the person to 
whom she is introduced, or if the hostess has added a personal 
phrase to her introduction: “You are both symphony concert 
devotees,” or “You both have sons at Yale, haven’t you?” a 
topic of conversation is naturally provided. Otherwise, that 
never-failing first aid to small talk, the weather, may be used, 
or some similar general topic may be utilized. When two 
ladies are introduced to each other the elder is supposed to 
take the conversational lead. 

Leave-Takings 

On taking leave of a person to whom one has just been 
introduced a few moments before it is proper to say, “Good- 
by; I hope I shall see you again soon,” or “Good-by; I am 
very glad to have met you.” The latter phrase is preferable 
for the young or unknown person, as it then remains for the 
more important person to prolong or drop the acquaintance. 
The proper reply to such a remark is, “Thank you, I hope so 
too,” or merely “Thank you,” said with a courteous little 
bow and smile. Only when the two shall have found inter¬ 
ests that make for friendship is more informal and cordial 
leave-taking in order. 

In leaving a group, whether introduced to them all or 
merely included in their general conversation, it is courtesy 
to bow, including any who may be glancing your way, but 
no formal good-bys are required. 




22 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


Group Introductions 

In any small assemblage the hostess introduces the new¬ 
comer to all the others, the gentleman being presented to the 
lady, of course; but at large affairs guests are either allowed 
to take care of themselves after greeting the hostess, or the 
latter will, after the formal greeting and a moment of wait¬ 
ing, if the guest does not seem to have found any acquaint¬ 
ances, again step forward and introduce her to some other 
guest. 

If introduced to one person the introduction would be 
worded, “Mrs. Thomas, do you know Mrs. Young?” Un¬ 
less she is quite elderly, Mrs. Thomas rises and shakes hands 
with Mrs. Young. The hostess then may turn to a couple 
of young women near and continue, “Mrs. Vandergriff, Mrs. 
Gregory—Mrs. Young.” Mrs. Young is usually included 
in the ensuing conversation until she moves away after a 
short time and finds a place for herself. 

Should the hostess for some reason fail to see that her 
guest is introduced, the latter finds a seat, and, if opportunity 
offers without forcing the conversation, she may chat with 
her neighbors, neither giving her name nor asking theirs. 
If one of them is really anxious to know the newcomer the 
hostess may be asked to introduce them to each other, or an 
intimate friend of the family may introduce herself. Other¬ 
wise, the acquaintance ends with the affair at which it com¬ 
menced. 

A hostess does not rush a guest about introducing him 
to everybody present. In a small company the general in¬ 
troduction is easily managed. In a large party the introduc¬ 
tion is made to a few, including some intimate friends who 
will later introduce others. Sometimes an intimate friend 
of the hostess is delegated to look after newcomers. A hostess 




Introductions 


23 


should never break into a lively conversation to introduce 
anyone, but may speak quietly to two or three on the edge 
of the group. As a gentleman must be introduced to a lady 
it is obviously impossible to introduce a lady to a mixed 
group in a form of general introduction. 

Two or more friends meeting an acquaintance of one of 
them on the street or in any other public place need not 
make introductions unless the conversation be prolonged. 
The persons who are strangers to the one met usually stroll 
on slowly or glance away so that introductions will not be 
forced. 


Self-Introduction 

A gentleman asks the hostess to present him to a lady and 
does not presume to introduce himself unless he be a member 
of the family of the hostess, in which case he may say, “My 
wife is so busy she has quite forgotten me; so will you per¬ 
mit me to introduce myself: Arthur Grayton.” The lady 
responds with her name. 

At very large, formal gatherings a guest seldom talks 
without introductions, except to one’s neighbor at dinner, 
where it is incumbent upon guests to introduce themselves, 
either lady or gentleman having the right to speak, the lady 
saying, “I am Mrs. Blank,” and the gentleman responding 
with, “How do you do, Mrs. Blank? I am Arthur Weston.” 
Or he may show his place-card, with, “May I introduce 
myself? This is my name,” or, having noted the name on 
her place-card, he says, “Mrs. Blank, I am Arthur Weston.” 
The lady gives her name and they converse during the meal, 
though acquaintance ends with the evening unless they dis¬ 
cover mutual interests and desire to know each other. 

A lady may introduce herself to another if they have 
mutual friends or if one is a close friend or relative of close 




24 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


friends of the other. For instance, Alice Gregory may say 
to Mrs. Thomas, “Mrs. Thomas, you are a friend of my 
aunt’s, aren’t you? I am a niece of Mrs. Bellamy Weston.” 

Naturally the lady responds cordially, saying she is glad 
the younger woman spoke to her. An older woman may in¬ 
troduce herself to a younger one whose family she knows well 
or who is a friend of the elder woman’s daughters. Simi¬ 
larly a young man may introduce himself to older folk. But 
never should there be a self-introduction where one may be 
suspected of using slight mutual bonds to aid one in social 
climbing. 

Avoiding Introductions 

Introductions should never be refused in the hearing of 
the person to whom one is to be introduced, but out of hear¬ 
ing a valid reason (such as family or business enmity) may 
be offered: “Our families are not friendly; so perhaps we 
had better not meet.” If the hostess unwittingly makes such 
an introduction or offers it in the presence of both parties, 
well-bred people will acknowledge the introduction formally, 
make a few impersonal remarks and separate as soon as they 
can do so without raising comment. 

If an introduction is asked for that the hostess thinks will 
be unwelcome, she may offer to arrange it later and then con¬ 
veniently forget to do so. Never remind a hostess of re¬ 
quested introductions. If she is not sure what to do she 
may ask the person to whom introduction has been requested, 
whether she will permit Mr. Thomas to be introduced, and 
be guided by the preference expressed. 

Forgotten Introductions 

Do not remind people of a previous introduction if they 
do not seem to recollect it, but if one is introduced to the 




Introductions 


25 


same person twice at the same gathering it is quite correct 
to say, “I have already met Mrs. Thomas.” 

If addressed by somebody you fail to recollect do not deny 
acquaintance, but carry on an impersonal conversation and 
try to place the speaker. If this brings no recollection, ask 
the hostess in private the name of the person to whom you 
have been talking. If you feel sure the person is a stranger 
deliberately forcing an acquaintance, your manner may be so 
cold as to force him to withdraw shortly, but do not risk 
hurting the feelings of a well-meaning person in this manner 
unless very sure of your suspicions. 

In a large city where people meet a constant stream of 
newcomers nobody should take offense at not being remem¬ 
bered and accept a second introduction without explanation. 

Should a person persistently address you by the wrong 
name it is quite correct to say, “My name is Gregory, not 
Gramercy,” but let the matter pass if it happens only once 
or twice. 


At a Dance 

A gentleman seeks introduction to a lady before he asks 
her to dance. At a private home the fact that both are 
guests of the hostess is guaranty sufficient. At a public 
ball or tea-dance a man is very careful not to introduce 
another unless he can vouch for him or make some such 
frank statement beforehand as: “I have been talking with a 
chap named Jones who seems a mighty nice sort, but that 
is really all I know about him. He wants to meet you; 
may I introduce him?” It then remains for the lady to 
accept or refuse. If she refuses the man takes the edge 
off her decision with some such remark as: “Sorry, but 
Miss Gregory is too tired to dance any more dances than 
those she has already promised.” 




26 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


Remember Always to Introduce: 

All persons at a small gathering who are strangers to 
the group. 

All guests to the guests of honor at a dinner or reception. 

All dinner partners. (See chapter on Dinners.) 

All guests to bride and bridegroom at the wedding re¬ 
ception. 

Fellow players in any game, indoors or outdoors. 

All guests at a house party (though this is not done in 
England). 

Any visitor to an opera box is introduced to the hostess. 

The stranger for whom an invitation to a dance has been 
asked must be presented to the hostess, with, “Mrs. Smith, 
this is Mr. Blank, whom you said I might bring,” and 
Mrs. Smith responds, “I am very glad to see you, Mr. 
Blank.” The guest smiles and bows as he passes on with 
his friend, and at leave-taking he thanks the hostess for 
having invited him. 

Partial Introductions 

Sometimes formal introductions are not suitable. For in¬ 
stance, if a man be calling on a business matter and a 
friend of the hostess drop in, an introduction may be avoided 
yet both be included in the conversation, by some such re¬ 
mark as: “Mr. Norton thinks this blue velvet will look 
better on the chairs than gray, and I can’t decide. Which 
do you prefer?” The conversation proceeds smoothly with¬ 
out social obligation being incurred. The hostess might 
add the name of her visitor to her remark if she wishes. 

Business introductions of this sort should never be pre¬ 
sumed upon for future acquaintance, unless the visitor meets 
the business man again and chooses to recall the earlier 
meeting. 




Introductions 


27 


Letters of Introduction 

Another form of introduction is by letter. This must be 
volunteered, not asked for, the farthest one can go being a 
remark about going to a certain city and having few friends 
there. 

The introduction by letter is binding and should not be 
given unless one is reasonably certain the persons introduced 
will like each other. A short letter is usually given the 
traveler, which should be given unsealed and be sealed by 
the recipient in the presence of the giver (unless mailed him, 
naturally). This letter is usually supplemented by a pri¬ 
vate note posted to the person to whom the introduction is 
addressed. 

The following is typical of the letter given a friend: 

Dear Mrs. Gregory: 

Marcia Allison, daughter of my very dear friend Grace 
Allison, whom you met here last winter, is going to Boston, 
having several concert engagements there this coming month. 
She has few friends in the East, and I am sure both you 
and Mr. Gregory will enjoy her and it will mean much 
to her to know you both. I shall appreciate any courtesy 
you may be able to show her. 

With kindest regards from Robert and myself, 

Affectionately, 

Bertha Westlake. 


The mailed letter would explain: 

Dear Nell: 

Marcia Allison, for whom I wrote a letter of introduc¬ 
tion, is very much like her mother, whom you liked so much 
last winter when you met her here. Marcia has a lovely 
voice and it means much, this series of concerts. I suspect 
she will be lonely and a little nervous, and, as she is staying 
with a family who are the merest acquaintances, your friend¬ 
ship would be helpful to her. If you have time, look after 




28 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


her for ray sake at first, and I am sure you will soon want 
her for her own. 

Affectionately, 

Bertha Westlake. 

While a lady never uses her visiting card as an introduc¬ 
tion, a gentleman might write “Introducing William 
Vaughan” on his card and give it to a friend, at the same 
time mailing a note telling about Mr. Vaughan and indi¬ 
cating whether he wishes merely business courtesies and the 
courtesies of his friend’s club extended or whether he con¬ 
siders the visitor one to be welcomed into his friend’s home. 

A gentleman presents a letter of introduction to a lady by 
leaving it at her door with his card. If he calls between 
half past three and six o’clock he must ask to see her, but 
as it is easier to leave an introduction than present it in 
person, he usually avoids these hours. A business introduc¬ 
tion is presented with the person’s card at the office and is 
read at once while the visitor waits outside until invited into 
the private office. 

Of course, a person presenting a card or letter puts his 
local address on the personal card he leaves with it. A gen¬ 
tleman, receiving a letter of introduction from another man, 
telephones to ask how he may be of service if he is not in 
when the letter is brought to his office, and he may then 
invite the newcomer to his club or home, as he sees fit, may 
put him up at the former, or merely invite him to a meal. 

A lady mails her letter to the addressee and awaits an 
acknowledgment. If the recipient leaves a card, the stranger 
leaves a card in return. Usually the recipient calls and gives 
an invitation to visit or dine with her, illness or other serious 
misfortune being the only valid excuses for disregarding 
such a letter. In such case a letter of explanation must be 
sent. 





Introductions 


29 


A person who accepts courtesies as a result of presenting 
letters of introduction acknowledges these as he would other 
social courtesies, and should he leave town suddenly and be 
unable to make necessary courtesy farewell calls, sends notes 
of explanation, regrets and acknowledgment. 

Should a person be so unfortunate as to be given a letter 
by one who had no right to give it, the letter is not pre¬ 
sented if he discovers the mistake in time; otherwise he can 
do nothing but ignore the mistake, be punctiliously courteous 
and make no demands upon a forced acquaintanceship. 




Chapter IV 


CONVERSATION 


PLEASANTLY modulated voice and a well-stocked 



mind are prerequisites for the person who wishes to 
converse acceptably. Loud, strident tones, mispronounced 
words and badly-phrased ideas are serious handicaps. Yet 
only by constant use of good English, properly pronounced, 
does one learn to express his thoughts acceptably. 

The maid in an unpretentious family once remarked that 
she had “worked lots of places but never before where the 
family laughed and talked about everything together just as 
if they were company!” What she failed to realize was 
that each member of that family, although denied contact 
with formal social life, could talk intelligently on topics of 
the day, make a good story of any little event in daily life 
and never be at a loss when brought into contact with 
strangers because home training had taught them the art of 
conversation and, what is equally important, of listening in¬ 
telligently. 

The intelligent listener is not one who maintains dull si¬ 
lence, but one who manifests a grasp of what his companion 
says, asks intelligent questions from time to time and, possi¬ 
bly, makes pertinent comment. Sometimes a question may 
be purposefully of a sort to draw the talk to other topics, 
but in any event the intelligent listener makes himself scarcely 
second in popularity to the brilliant conversationalist. 

While the average person is ready to do his share in con¬ 
versation, one is sometimes encountered who makes no effort 
to do his part, who wet-blankets every effort. Such a person, 
for instance, will curtly reply that the day is disagreeable, 
if an unfortunate acquaintance remarks that “the weather is 


30 


Conversation 


31 


not bad, considering the season”; he declares that woman 
suffrage has merely doubled the number of incompetent 
voters, when it has been suggested that women are taking 
an intelligent part in some local campaign, and, no matter 
what topic is offered, he dismisses it with disapproving 
finality. The only person more objectionable is the one who 
asks personal questions that infringe on one’s right to privacy 
in his affairs. 

The greatest danger incurred by most persons is that they 
will monopolize the conversation, showing how clever they 
can be without giving others equal opportunity to shine. 
Since most of us like to do our share of talking, only a rarely 
brilliant person can dominate a conversation and remain 
popular. The average talker does best when he chats a bit 
and then draws others into the conversation. 

The didactic person who regards his own view as the only 
one worth considering is seldom popular. Better than mak¬ 
ing a positive statement, such as “Lionel Barrymore is the 
ideal American actor,” is to say, “To me, Barrymore seems 
all one can ask. Do you admire him, also ?” 

Rather than flatly contradicting a person, say, “I have al¬ 
ways felt somewhat differently on that subject,” and then go 
on to explain; or, if the person who made the remark is a 
stranger, casually met at some party, it is as well to let such 
a matter go unchallenged rather than risk an argument, 
since argumentative disputes have no place in social conversa¬ 
tion. Except among intimates or at gatherings designed for 
discussion, avoid topics on which you have very strong feel¬ 
ing, for antagonism rather than conversion results when a 
person injects propaganda into what should be general con¬ 
versation. 

Talk between persons not well acquainted should be kept 
on an impersonal basis, this being especially true at all formal 




32 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


social affairs. Despite its obviousness, the weather still re¬ 
mains the safest of conversational openers, but while serving 
as an excellent preamble, do not let it form the body and 
conclusion of a conversation as well. The latest concert, 
play, art exhibit, some popular book, a much-discussed city 
improvement, some remark about your neighbor’s home city, 
if he be a stranger, all these are impersonal topics that may 
bring response and start conversation. Naturally, one tries 
to discover the particular interests of the person with whom 
one is conversing, neither discussing football tactics with a 
middle-aged matron nor expounding pre-school educational 
methods to a fluffy young debutante. And never, never does 
a well-bred person criticise his hostess or fellow-guests. 

Never, under any circumstances, does one allow himself the 
luxury of self-importance. Not that one must supinely accept 
all that others say, become a “yes man” in the slang of the 
day, but one who gives his opinions as if they were the final 
pronouncement may encounter others who know as much or 
more. Being authority in one’s local group, having the au¬ 
thority of wealth, and thinking to force an idea by impres¬ 
siveness of manner, are all roads to final unpopularity. More 
than any other should the newly-rich person be courteous and 
considerate of the opinions of others. People are ready to 
concede his wealth. What they question is whether his 
courtesy and social knowledge equal his financial standing. 
If he is overbearing in manner they may tolerate him, but 
will grant neither respect nor admiration unless he have dig¬ 
nity and consideration for others. 

Nowhere are good manners more definitely shown than in 
one’s manner to employees. Most of us respect our own 
position in life, and if we also respect one another’s, little 
question of overbearing or cringing manners can arise. Just 
because a well-trained servant never “answers back” is the 





Conversation 


33 


very reason that a well-mannered person never gives him 
reason to wish to do so. A considerate employer may speak 
with decision, but his tone is more a definite suggestion than 
a command. He is more likely to say, “Will you do so- 
and-so, M with a falling inflection that makes the remark a 
command, rather than give the curt order, “Do this or that.” 
He never hesitates to say “thank you” for some little extra 
service done. He neither gossips with his employees nor dis¬ 
cusses guests or his family with them, since this encourages 
familiarity for which he has only himself to blame. 

It is frequently the opinion of the person of little social 
experience that socially prominent persons are overbearing 
and dictatorial in manner. Truth to tell, those with the 
most assured position are, with rare exceptions, the most 
simple and courteous in speech and manner. The person 
whose family has had social standing for generations accepts 
this as matter-of-course and meets those with whom he comes 
in social contact with simple friendliness of manner, assum¬ 
ing that a meeting under the roof of a mutual acquaintance 
entitles fellow-guests to consideration. 

Some “Don’ts” of Conversation 

Tact and common courtesy should prevent conversation 
on subjects that might be objectionable to one’s audience, 
such, for instance, as a discussion of uniform divorce laws 
with a recent divorcee, or of the political triumph of a man 
in the presence of his defeated rival. 

Do not speak in a low tone or whisper to one or two 
persons, excluding others in the group. Only in great 
emergency is whispering permitted, and then only when 
prefaced by a general apology of: “Won’t you pardon me a 
moment ?” 

Don’t try to be funny. The real humorist is a joy to the 
3 




34 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


hostess, but one who tries forced humor succeeds only in 
being a painful bore. 

Don’t speak of a person by his first name unless you would 
speak to him by that name, and, except in speaking of mem¬ 
bers of one’s immediate family, do not use first names if the 
one to whom you are talking is not intimate enough to use 
their first names also. 

Husbands and wives do not speak of each other as “Mr.” 
or “Mrs.,” but say “my husband” or “my wife” in talking 
to comparative strangers, or speak of them by their first 
names to people intimate enough to be on the family’s dinner 
list. This does not give the one spoken to the right to use 
these first names. An elderly person is more likely to say 
“my husband” than use his first name, when speaking to a 
much younger person, and a gentleman does not use his 
wife’s given name in speaking to another man, unless the 
latter be a close friend who might address the lady by her 
Christian name. 

Topics to Be Avoided 

These include: 

Operations. 

Personal ills. 

Personal defects of character (especially another person’s 
character). 

Household troubles and one’s servant problems. 

Matters suitable for one’s own dressing-room. 

Personal costs and expenses. 

Religious ideas that may be distasteful to others. 

Criticism of others: their manners, looks, homes, habits, etc. 

And don’t talk on any topic to the exclusion of all other 
talkers; for your views may not be as entertaining to others 
as you think them. 




Conversation 


35 


The Language We Speak 

Being too precise in our English gives a stilted, lifeless 
effect that becomes tiresome, yet better stilted English than 
inability to speak correctly. One of the first requirements 
for the person who wishes to be socially acceptable is ability 
to use his mother tongue correctly. The phrase “mother 
tongue” is here used advisedly, since we accept without 
criticism the mistakes of a foreigner who uses his own lan¬ 
guage as correctly as we use (or should use) ours. 

But aside from having our English grammatically correct, 
let it be simple and direct. The use of big words where little 
ones would serve marks the person outside the socially elect, 
since pretentiousness is one of the unforgivable sins to per¬ 
sons of position the world over. More easily do they ex¬ 
cuse provincialism and even minor mistakes in English than 
assumed elegance in speech. The English of the Bible and 
of Shakespeare influences many who read much yet have 
little chance for conversation with their kind, but such 
English brings the stamp of approval to those who use it. 
Centuries ago people used more formal phrases than they 
do today, but careful reading of the classics together with 
the best of present-day literature will do much towards 
training the person who wishes to improve his English, yet 
comes in contact with but few cultured people. 

What to Say and What to Avoid 

Slang of today may be English of tomorrow, but a person 
should be able to speak without the aid of slang before he 
indulges in it. We would be foolish to bar such words 
as “auto” for automobile and “bus” for omnibus, “grouch,” 
“feeling fit,” “top hole,” and similar short cuts in language. 
But we should not interlard our talk with slang at all times 




36 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


nor use it when talking to strangers at a formal affair. It 
is practically impossible to list words acceptable and objec¬ 
tionable—when in doubt, do not use the word! 

In the matter of simple English, the following will illus¬ 
trate what is meant by the rule to use the shortest, straight- 
est phrase: 


Correct 

We go to bed, or get up. 
Talk. 

I should like to buy. 
Home or house. 

I have met (or know). 

He received. 

Have something to drink. 
Dinner. 

How do you do? 

Good food. 

We sat in a box. 


Incorrect 

We retire, or arise. 

Converse. 

I desire to purchase. 

Residence, mansion. 

I am acquainted with. 

He was the recipient of. 
Partake of liquid refreshment. 
Banquet. 

Charmed; pleased to meet you. 
Elegant (or lovely) food. 

Had a box party. 


Such words as “elegant,” “gorgeous,” “lovely,” are not 
objectionable in themselves but have been used where they 
do not belong until they have fallen into disfavor. “Re¬ 
fined” and “refinement” are seldom used, because they have 
been so frequently misapplied, and for the same reason we 
seldom hear that favorite of a century ago, “genteel.” “Cul¬ 
ture” and “lady” are other words to use with care. True 
culture, meaning education plus good taste and courtesy, 
stamps the best that society has to offer and is the mark 
of the true lady, yet we hear the former used to indicate 
the mere motions of good manners rather than their under¬ 
lying causes, and the use of “lady” to indicate any woman has 
robbed that word of its fine old meaning. 

The person who speaks well and entertainingly uses sim¬ 
ple English to clothe his ideas, does not monopolize conver¬ 
sation and is a good listener as well as a good talker. 




Chapter V 


CARDS AND VISITS 

I N FEW matters do social customs vary more than in the 
making of calls. Locality seems to have decided influ¬ 
ence upon accepted etiquette, the small city or town being 
more insistent upon the exact observance of its local interpre¬ 
tation of correct procedure as well as more neighborly and 
friendly than is the large city. This is natural, because peo¬ 
ple in a big city move about so much, have friends living in 
widely separated parts of town, and they all have so many 
engagements that the old-time idea of making a round of 
visits periodically has made way for a more lenient inter¬ 
pretation of the demands of courtesy. Yet certain formal 
visits must be paid and cards left or sent in acknowledgment 
of courtesies or invitations and on certain occasions. 

The Calling Card 

Besides being left at a home as evidence of a visit paid, 
the personal card is sent with gifts, bears messages of con¬ 
gratulation and condolence and is used for the issuing of 
many informal invitations. 

The proper visiting card is of a white, unglazed bristol 
board, a medium weight being best. The card is always 
engraved, a printed card never being used for social pur¬ 
poses. Better the name written in long hand on a card 
than the printed form. The engraving should be in shaded 
block, plain block (but not too heavy a line), script or Old 
English, the last either plain or shaded. These are all cor¬ 
rect, although a block type is the present favorite. Never 
use fancy, ornate type. 


37 


38 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


Shaded Block 

Mrs. Almon WcsBakc 


Plain Block 

Mr. Wallace Westinghouse Forting 


Script 




Old English 

J&rs* 611 ivi ^v&iztzitk 


Shaded Old English 

»ttfr garrison 

The name should be centered on the card. The home 
address in smaller letters is placed in the lower right-hand 
corner. The town address is used, a separate card usually 
being chosen when a country address is given, but a well- 
known society matron gives both her New York and Chicago 
suburban home addresses on one card: 


Mrs. Burton Blank 


000 Riverside Drive 

New York 

Glencoe 

Illinois 





Cards and Visits 


39 


A married woman never uses her given name on a card, 
but does use her husband’s name in full: 


Mrs. William Vincent Gregory 


212 Westly Terrace 


The usual size for a lady’s card is about 2 by 3 inches, 
but a young girl has her card slightly smaller than that 
of her mother and rather more square in shape. Sizes 
vary as styles change, but these variations are slight. 

A widow is entitled to use her husband’s name and is 
preferably Mrs. William Vincent Gregory, and not Mary 
Kent Gregory, although there is some precedent for using 
the latter form, especially after the first year of widow¬ 
hood. Mothers of growing families usually retain the hus¬ 
band’s name. 

A divorced woman uses her maiden surname with her 
former husband’s name and is Mrs. Kent Gregory, rather 
than Mrs. Mary Kent Gregory. She might become Mrs. 
Mary Kent if the court restores her maiden name. 

If a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law have the same 
name, the elder is Mrs. William Vincent Gregory and the 
latter uses on her card: Mrs. William Vincent Gregory, Jr. 






40 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


The abbreviation is preferred to the full word, but if the 
latter is used, “junior” is spelled with a small J. If three 
generations with the same name are living, the youngest 
one’s card reads: Mr. William Vincent Gregory, 3d. The 
same form with “Mrs.” instead of “Mr.” is used by the 
wife. 

Sometimes a widow, the eldest member of a family, 
avoids confusion by having her card read: Mrs. Gregory. 
In that case the son’s wife may use the full name without 
the added Jr. A widow whose son has not been using the 
suffix Jr. on his card, may add Sr. on her card when the 
son marries, if she wishes to retain use of her husband’s 
full name, and yet not be confused with the new daughter- 
in-law whose card is similar to her own. 

Small children sometimes have visiting cards to be used 
in sending gifts and paying visits to adults rather than in 
visiting each other, and the object of such cards is to train 
the children in their use. 

During her first year in society a young girl may have 
her name on her mother’s card: 


Mrs. William Vincent Gregory 
Miss Gregory 


400 Ellis Avenue 







Cards and Visits 


41 


As the young girl is not supposed to go about un¬ 
chaperoned this card may serve her on all formal occasions, 
but she may also have her personal card to attach to gifts. 
The double card is most frequently chosen when no com¬ 
ing-out party has been given for the daughter, the card 
serving as announcement when a round of visits is paid that 
the daughter is eligible for invitations. In the same way 
a mother may leave a son’s card (a separate card) with 
her own, when calling upon her friends. This is usually 
done when the young man has been away at school and has 
not a large acquaintance of his own. 

The eldest unmarried daughter is “Miss Gregory”; if a 
younger daughter be introduced she is “Miss Alice Gregory.” 
Pet names or abbreviations are not used on cards. The 
daughter may be “Bessie” to the family and friends, but 
her card reads “Elizabeth”; the son is “Alex” to his inti¬ 
mates, but his card reads “Mr. Alexander Worth.” 

The double card, “Dr. and Mrs. Ellis Ford,” is again 
in favor, and a lady may leave one of these together with 
one of her husband’s personal cards in place of the usual 
one of hers and two of his. The chief use of the double 
card is with gifts. The word “and” is written out, and 
the card is T^/z inches long by Z T /z inches wide. 

Gentlemen’s Cards 

A married man seldom has an address on his card, since 
his wife’s card carries that information, but the unmar¬ 
ried man uses his home address or may use that of his 
club. There is some prejudice against using a club address 
on a card, but since a man does not care to receive invita¬ 
tions or telephone calls upon social matters at his place of 
business, his card should indicate where he can be reached. 
The gentleman’s card is about tyi by 3 inches in size. 




42 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


A man named for his father usually drops the “Jr.” 
after his father’s death, but there are instances where this 
is retained. 

A school boy may use a card without the prefix “Mr.,” 
but adds the prefix when he leaves school or college. 

A gentleman always uses the prefix “Mr.” unless he is 
a physician, when “Dr.” may be substituted. On a card 
the letters M.D. are not used, nor are university degrees. 
“Professor” is not used on a card, and a judge usually 
prefers “Mr.,” although many authorities sanction the use 
of his title. A military officer uses the abbreviated form 
of his title: “Col. Alvord West”; and a minister uses his 
title: “The Rev. Willard Townsend.” 

A lady never appropriates her husband’s title. She is 
Mrs. Alvord West; Mrs. Willard Townsend. 

The Formal Visit 

While the fashion of making a formal round of calls at 
least once a year on all whom one cares to keep on her 
visiting list has fallen from favor, certain visits must be 
paid under all circumstances. The hostess no longer makes 
her list entirely by the evidence of her card-receiver, nor 
must every dinner and dance invitation accepted be ac¬ 
knowledged by a return invitation. Some people can enter¬ 
tain frequently, others are in position to give only occa¬ 
sional and informal entertainments. The person who is 
popular is one who is pleasing, entertaining and of good 
manners, rather than one who gives elaborate entertainments. 
Formal visits must be paid those whose formal invitations 
are accepted. 

The first call should always be returned within two 
weeks at latest, even if one does not care to continue the 
acquaintance. The second call need not be returned, and 




Cards and Visits 


43 


that will end the matter. Usually an invalid or very old 
person may have some member of her family represent her 
in returning a first call, leaving the cards of both and ex¬ 
plaining the reason for so doing. If this is impossible the 
lady should explain to her visitor and let cordiality atone for 
non-adherence to custom. Some elderly ladies of established 
prominence drive about leaving their cards, but do not 
inquire whether the ladies visited are at home. 

A call should be made within a week after taking a 
first meal at a lady’s house. Even if regrets were sent, 
courtesy demands a prompt call. The call may be made 
by a lady alone, who leaves one of her cards and two of 
her husband’s, but unmarried men must pay their formal 
visits themselves after accepting a first invitation to a meal. 
Sometimes a mother leaves the card of a son who also 
was invited. Subsequent invitations to dinner do not de¬ 
mand calls of acknowledgment in most communities today. 

In some smaller cities the custom of calling after each 
formal entertainment is more carefully observed than in the 
larger cities where the same groups of people meet fre¬ 
quently and really have not time for many formal calls. 

A formal call is made to express condolence for a death 
in a family. 

A bride, settled in her new home, receives formal visits 
within a year from all in town who were invited to her 
wedding or who received the marriage announcements. If 
the bride goes to her husband’s home city the bridegroom’s 
relations and close friends make their first visits as soon 
as she is “at home.” 

The bridesmaids call formally on the bride’s mother within 
a few days after the wedding. If they are from out of 
town and leave immediately after the wedding, a little note 
of explanation and regret must be sent promptly. 




44 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


While the round of formal visits and the mere distribut¬ 
ing of calling cards are in disfavor with most people and 
the “day at home” is kept by few, nobody is therefore ex¬ 
empted from the visits noted above, and it is safer to err 
on the side of too great punctiliousness than run the risk 
of being thought ill-mannered. Wherefore, when in doubt, 
make the formal call in acknowledgment of a courtesy 
received. 

The person to whom a letter of introduction is sent 
must pay a formal visit to the person introduced, unless 
a gentleman presents a letter to a lady, in which case she 
promptly sets a time for him to visit her, dine or accept 
some other form of hospitality. An elderly, distinguished 
person also may omit the call, but must then issue an invi¬ 
tation at once. If the call is made, the recipient promptly 
makes the return visit. Also, the stranger must make din¬ 
ner calls and a farewell call if any courtesies have been 
extended him. 

The Newcomer in Town 

In small towns where the kindly spirit of neighborliness 
still flourishes it is usual for older residents to call upon 
a newcomer who seems socially acceptable. Near neighbors, 
members of the same church and parents of children who 
play with the new arrival’s children may all call. Or 
business associates of the husband may ask their wives to 
call. In no case may a newcomer make the first call, but 
she returns all paid her within a few weeks, not making 
a second if some visitors do not attract her. If she fails 
to meet people she may offer to do work in the church, 
in local charities, school or community work, but must 
not force herself upon others, biding her time to meet 
those she cares to know. 





Cards and Visits 


45 


Hours for Formal Visits 

Formal visits are paid between the hours of 3:30 and 
4:30 p. m. After five o’clock is the tea hour, when in¬ 
formal visits are paid by one’s friends and the intimates 
of a household. Fifteen to twenty minutes is the proper 
length of time to stay, and when a guest rises to go, he 
should go and not linger. Evening calls are made after 
eight o’clock in New York, seldom before 8:30 p. m., 
while in smaller communities the earlier time is preferred. 

The Etiquette of Leaving Cards 

Remember that a lady never calls on a gentleman; there¬ 
fore in leaving cards she would leave one of her own for 
each lady in the house where she is calling and would 
leave the same number of her husband’s or son’s cards plus 
one extra one for the host, because a gentleman calls on both 
the ladies and gentlemen in a house. 

A small tray should be placed on a table in the hall. 
When opening the door to guests the servant opens the 
door with the right hand and takes the tray on the left 
palm ready to receive the caller’s cards. Taking the cards 
in the hand is not correct. If no tray is offered the visitor 
lays the cards quietly on the hall table, if there is one; 
if not, lay them to one side on the living-room table. 

The visitor asks, “Is Mrs. Blank at home?” or, if there 
are several ladies in the house to visit, she says, “Are the 
ladies home?” If the servant announces “Not at home,” 
the tray is offered and the visitor places thereon one of her 
cards for each lady in the house and one of her husband’s 
for each lady and each gentleman, but no more than three 
cards of one person’s are ever left, that number being sup¬ 
posed to indicate a visit to any greater number of people 
in the house. Not more than two members of a family 




46 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


should call together, but a lady may leave cards for the 
other members of her family. 

Receiving Callers 

If the lady of the house is at home and receiving, the 
visitor is ushered into the drawing-room. A man servant 
standing in the doorway and announcing the visitor reads 
the name from the card; a maid says, “This way, please,” 
precedes the guest, presents the card to her mistress and 
stands aside as the guest comes forward slowly enough to 
give the hostess time to glance at the card and return it 
to the tray which the maid takes back to the hall. The 
hostess rises promptly and shakes hands with the guest and 
indicates a seat near-by, saying, “Will you sit here?” If 
no chairs are vacant, a guest who has been sitting near 
the hostess moves to make room for the new arrival. 

When the guest is seated the hostess chats a little and 
may introduce one or two persons sitting near if they are 
strangers to each other. Then if the attention of the 
hostess is absorbed by new arrivals, the visitor chats with 
those near her. If not introduced, an elderly woman may 
commence conversation anyway, but a young woman should 
wait for the advances of older ones. 

The hostess, if she is elderly, does not rise to greet a 
young woman, nor does any hostess rise in welcoming a 
gentleman unless he is old or distinguished and she is quite 
young. 

The visitor who was first to arrive should be first to go, 
but no guest need stay more than twenty minutes because 
others happen to do so. When a guest rises to go he says 
good-by to the hostess, bows to those with whom he has 
been chatting, provided they are not engrossed in conversa¬ 
tion, and leaves as quietly as possible. 





Cards and Visits 


47 


A hostess rises and shakes hands with a guest who is 
leaving, and any men in the room must rise and stand 
while their hostess is standing. Unless paying honor to 
an old or distinguished visitor, or unless there be but the 
one guest, the hostess does not accompany her guest to the 
door. If the host is home, he may accompany a lady to 
her automobile or, if she is walking, he may go to the 
walk with her. 

Usually the hostess rises and remains standing until the 
guest has left the room, having touched a bell to notify 
the servant, who opens the outer door and does not close 
it until the guest is in her motor or has reached the side¬ 
walk. 

The hostess should not urge a guest to stay, although she 
may say, “Oh, do stay a little longer,” or “Must you go so 
soon?” and the guest then uses his pleasure in going or 
staying. 

If the lady of the house is not in the drawing-room, the 
servant ushers the guest into that room or a reception-room, 
saying, “Will you take a seat, please?” and then carrying 
the card to the mistress of the house. If the servant fails 
to conduct the guest into a room, he may step into the 
nearest room, be seated and wait there. 

If the mistress is not at home to visitors she should so 
instruct her servants beforehand, as “Not at home” said 
at the door is accepted unquestioningly as meaning that Mrs. 
Blank is not receiving any guests that afternoon. But if, 
the servant having ushered a visitor into the house, the 
hostess cannot receive the guest, she either sends some mem¬ 
ber of her family in her stead, who makes explanation and 
receives the visitor, or she sends a valid excuse for failing 
to appear. “Mrs. Vincent is very sorry not to be able to 
see anyone this afternoon, as she has a severe headache,” 




48 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


or “she has a business appointment,” are typical excuses. 
If the hostess objects to the conventional “Not at home,” 
which means merely “Not at home to social visitors,” and 
which is not really dishonest when understood, she may have 
the servant say, “Mrs. Vincent is sorry not to be able to see 
anyone this afternoon, and begs to be excused.” But, as 
a rule, the conventional phrase is less objectionable to a 
visitor. 

If some member of the family comes instead of the hostess 
the servant may announce that “Mrs. Vincent is not well 
enough to see anyone this afternoon, but Miss Marcia will 
be down in a few moments.” 

When calling upon invalids or making a visit of con¬ 
dolence, the visitor asks whether the person upon whom the 
call is made can be seen, and does not remove wraps until 
an affirmative answer is received, when he removes them and 
hands them to the servant to carry to the hall. 

Usually, a gentleman leaves hat, gloves, stick and over¬ 
coat in the hall before entering the room where the hostess 
is receiving. Overshoes and raincoats are never worn into 
the room, both ladies and gentlemen leaving them in the 
hall, but otherwise a lady usually retains her wraps unless 
she is wearing a very heavy cloak and prefers leaving it 
in the hall. A gentleman always draws off his right glove 
before entering the room, as he must not shake hands with 
his glove on. 

Visiting a House Guest 

In calling upon a lady who is guest in a house the visitor 
should ask for both hostess and guest and leave cards 
for both, even though she has never met the hostess. The 
hostess may meet the visitor or not as she chooses, some¬ 
times preferring to have her guest enjoy her personal friends 
alone, but this does not release the visitor from leaving her 




Cards and Visits 


49 


card for the hostess and including her in any invitation 
issued to the visiting guest. 

The Servantless House 

When the hostess or some member of her family opens 
the door, the guest lays her cards on the hall table in 
passing, but never offers them to a member of the family. 

If there is no answer when the bell is rung, visitors may 
leave cards in the letter-box or under the door. If the 
hostess comes to the door but is obviously busy and unpre¬ 
pared to receive, the tactful thing is to ignore the fact but 
make a very short call. If the hostess was about going 
out, the guest may say, “You were going out. I won’t 
keep you.” If urged to come in anyway, she does so, but 
stays only about five minutes. 

Hotel and Apartment-House Calls 

When making a call at a hotel a card may be sent up 
by a boy, the visitor waiting in reception-room or lobby, or 
the name is telephoned from the office to the room of the 
person on whom one is calling. Large apartment houses 
have a similar system, and there is always a reception-room 
where ladies may receive a man visitor. Gentlemen are 
never invited to a lady’s room in a hotel, nor does a lady 
alone receive a gentleman in a one-room apartment. In 
apartments where there is a separate living-room, gentle¬ 
men may be received as in a private house, but in a hotel 
a lady does not entertain gentlemen in her private sitting- 
room. 

If the person desired is not at home, the visitor writes 
her (or his) name in the upper corner of cards left, so no 
mistake will be made if the cards are put into the wrong 

mail-box. 

4 




50 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


In some apartment houses there are no hall attendants, 
but speaking-tubes are next the bells. When this is the 
case, a visitor rings and waits to be asked, “Who is there ?” 
The answer should be, “Mrs. Blank, calling on Mrs. 
Jerrems. Is she at home?” If the answer is, “Won’t you 
come up?” the buzzer will indicate that the vestibule door 
has been opened and the guest goes up to the apartment. 
If the answer is, “Mrs. Jerrems is not at home,” the guest 
leaves her card in the mail-box and does not go upstairs. 

Sometimes the speaking-tube is out of order or is non¬ 
existent, in which case the maid touches the buzzer and 
the visitor goes upstairs to make her inquiry at the apart¬ 
ment door. Where neither buzzer nor tube exists the 
guest rings the bell, finds the inner door unlocked and 
goes up, makes her inquiry and is received or leaves her 
cards with the maid or in the mail-box as in a private 
house. 

Some Notes on Calling 

Guests should enter a room slowly enough to note where 
the hostess is seated and not rush in and then have to 
look about to locate her. 

While people do not sit stiffly erect in the center of 
their chairs, the lolling attitude is quite out of place at 
any formal gathering. It is quite correct to lean against the 
back of the chair with hands on one’s lap or on the arms 
of the chair, and today a lady may cross her knees (a 
grievous bit of misbehavior in Victorian days), but should 
avoid thrusting one foot forward, rather keeping the heel 
of the forward foot within a few inches of the other foot. 
Nor should her dress be allowed to ride up to her knees. 
Arms a-kimbo, with hands on hips, is an ungraceful atti¬ 
tude and objectionable on that score rather than for its 
vulgarity. 





Cards and Visits 


51 


It is a woman’s privilege to invite a gentleman to call, 
but a man may let it be understood he would like to be in¬ 
vited or, if he is much older or distinguished, he may ask 
permission to call. 

After accepting certain courtesies a gentleman calls with¬ 
out direct invitation, as when a friend has obtained per¬ 
mission to bring him to a dance and he calls afterwards. 

If a hostess always begs to be excused when a visitor 
calls, or shows a lack of attention or otherwise indicates 
that the visits are not welcome, visits upon so reluctant a 
hostess should cease, since she cannot directly tell a person 
his presence is unwelcome. 

Both older and younger folk call upon a bride whose 
cards they have received. The bride begins returning calls 
a few weeks after she is home, so that too long a list does 
not accumulate. 

A lady never calls on another under the sponsorship of a 
gentleman unless he be her father or husband or unless 
she go with her fiance to return visits paid her by members 
of his family. She does not call on his family until they 
have called on her, exception being made for very old or 
invalid members of his family who have written or tele¬ 
phoned to explain and ask her to come. The parents of 
the bridegroom should call on the parents of the bride as 
soon as they hear of the engagement. 

If a daughter is the head of her father’s house (her mother 
not living) she leaves one of her cards and two of his when 
calling. Similarly a sister would leave her brother’s cards 
if she is head of his household. 

Conversation should remain general and no guest must 
monopolize the attention of the hostess or guest of honor for 
any length of time. Nor should any guest lead the con¬ 
versation in a way to hold the center of attention. 




52 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


The P. p. c. card is sent as substitute for a farewell visit 
when leaving town for an extended period. The letters, 
signifying pour prendre conge (to take leave), are written 
in the lower left-hand corner of the visiting card and mailed 
at the last moment so they will be received the day after 
departure. Only the first letter is capitalized. These cards 
do not take the place of visits in acknowledgment of 
courtesy. 

When not going to a tea or wedding reception to which 
one has been invited, cards are sent to arrive on the day 
of the entertainment. 

When one is temporarily in a strange city, cards may be 
sent to friends resident there, with one’s temporary address 
written above one’s home address, which is lightly crossed 
out. 

Acquaintances are notified of a change of address by the 
mailing of a visiting card, or a lady long absent from home 
may let friends know of her return by sending them her 
card. 

The bent-over card corner is seldom used. It has several 
meanings and as result has no definite one, wherefore it 
has gone out of fashion. 

The use of a mourning card should be confined to the 
members of the immediate family sustaining the loss, the 
width of border depending on preference and length of 
mourning. 

For visits of condolence see page 75. 




Chapter VI 


IN PUBLIC PLACES 


WO rules to be maintained in public places are: 



JL (1) Maintain self-control and courtesy despite the petty 
annoyances of crowded traffic and the discourteous manners 
of others. (2) Be inconspicuous both in manners and 
dress. 

Good manners do not permit people to push and elbow 
their way through a crowd into a theater, shop or other 
gathering-place. Rather they allow others to slip in ahead 
than get into noisy and ill-tempered dispute. Nor should 
people block the way of others by standing in the road or 
by moving so slowly in entering or leaving a narrow door¬ 
way that all traffic is slowed. In other words, good man¬ 
ners demand consideration for the rights of others. 

For the same reason it is improper to talk or laugh loudly 
enough to draw the attention of strangers or to talk across 
a stranger seated between two friends in a car. Personal 
remarks must be avoided, for one never knows what the 
wrong person may overhear. It is surprising how people 
otherwise careful will discuss mutual friends or business 
matters when in crowded conveyances where the talk cannot 
but be overheard, and where somebody unfriendly may make 
use of such information. 

People should not walk several abreast on a crowded or 
narrow pathway lest they inconvenience others. Even when 
two walk together on a narrow path they should go single 
file when meeting others. If two persons separate to allow 
another to pass between them they do not continue their 
conversation across the person who is passing, but allow him 
to get by before resuming their talk. 


53 


54 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


The rule of the road in America is to keep to the right, 
so that in passing anyone a person naturally moves to the 
right; but if the other person is confused or ignorant of the 
custom, better give way and allow him to pass on the 
left rather than create an awkward situation. In Eng¬ 
land and in some Canadian cities the left-hand rule prevails. 

The custom of walking arm-in-arm has almost disappeared 
in America except under special conditions. A gentleman 
may offer his arm to an invalid, a very old person or one 
who is handicapped. A crowd, danger, slippery walks and 
the convenience afforded in holding an umbrella over a 
lady are other reasons that may prompt a gentleman to offer 
his arm. Even in the evening he seldom offers his arm 
unless there be a crowd or walking is difficult, yet he is 
quite within custom if he asks a lady to take his arm after 
dark. The gentleman usually walks beside the lady, tak¬ 
ing the outside of the walk, and in walking with two ladies 
he offers his arm to the elder, walking on the outside of 
the path and never between the two. In going off a 
dancing floor with her partner and in going in to dinner a 
lady usually takes a gentleman’s arm. 

The lady slips her arm in the gentleman’s. To grasp a 
woman’s arm or elbow and pilot her along is quite 
provincial. Only in helping a lady over a crossing, up a 
step, or if she really needs his aid, does he grasp her arm. 

While a gentleman may hold an umbrella over a lady, 
he does not hold her parasol except for a moment while 
she removes her wrap or for some other reason needs both 
hands free temporarily. 

If a gentleman by some accident brushes against a lady, 
he lifts his hat and says, “I beg your pardon,” and she 
bows slightly in acknowledgment of the apology. 

In offering a seat in a public conveyance a gentleman may 




In Public Places 


55 


touch a lady on the arm and call her attention to the 
seat he is vacating, at the same time raising his hat and 
saying, “Won’t you have this seat?” A lady will always 
say “Thank you,” on accepting. The gentleman bows 
slightly, and, if there be room to do so, moves a little way 
off in the car, so he will not remain standing directly in front 
of her. If a gentleman be with the lady, he raises his hat 
in acknowledgment of the stranger’s courtesy. 

A gentleman does not smoke when walking on a city 
street with a lady; he removes cigar or cigarette if he stops 
to speak to a lady he meets, and he does not carry a partly- 
smoked dead cigar or a smoldering one into a conveyance (un¬ 
less there be a smoking compartment). On the country 
road a gentleman may, if the ladies with him grant per¬ 
mission, smoke cigarette or pipe, but a cigar is not smoked 
anywhere when a gentleman and lady are together in a 
public place. 

A gentleman may offer to carry any package a lady may 
have, but she is not supposed to carry large bundles; so 
the old-fashioned rule that a gentleman offers to carry a 
lady’s “bundles” no longer holds. Truth to tell, if she 
carried awkward packages she would seldom have opportun¬ 
ity to let the same gentleman accompany her a second time. 

In entering a church, theater or other public place, the 
lady precedes unless a crowd makes it advisable that the gen¬ 
tleman go first and make a way for her. He holds open 
the door for her or swings a turning door, stepping into 
the opening next behind the one she takes. 

At Theater and Opera 

In a theater the gentleman has his tickets ready to pre¬ 
sent to the door-man and allows the ladies to precede him. 
Once inside, wraps are usually left at the check-room, the 




56 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


gentleman taking all the checks, or, if the party sits in a 
box, place for the wraps is provided in the ante-chamber 
of the box. The hostess to a group of young people usually 
sends them their tickets and meets them in the inner lobby 
of the theater. In going down the aisle the usher usually 
goes first, and it is largely a matter of convenience whether 
the ladies or gentlemen follow, but if a gentleman precedes, 
he stands aside and allows the lady to be seated first, he 
taking the aisle seat. When several couples go together 
they frequently go down the aisle in the order they are to 
sit, so nobody will have to pass those already seated. 

Gentlemen who have not aisle seats should not go out 
more than once or twice between the acts, since their 
going inconveniences a number of persons. When they go 
they should beg pardon for the annoyance they cause and 
say “Thank you” to any ladies who rise and draw back to 
let them pass. Gentlemen always rise and stand against 
the upturned seats, or, if they have aisle seats, step out into 
the aisle if a lady wishes to pass them. In going in or out 
of an aisle, face the stage and carry all wraps high enough 
not to trail them over the heads of those seated in front. 

Talking, restless moving about and rattling programs 
during a play or operatic performance are annoying to those 
near. Nor are people favorably impressed by the offender 
who hums the melodies or beats time to show his familiarity 
with the music. Quite as annoying is the person who reads 
subtitles aloud or tells the plot of a motion picture to his 
neighbors. If neighbors get too annoying the usher may be 
asked quietly to speak to them, or an older woman may 
ask them courteously whether they won’t be a little quieter 
as she cannot hear what is going on on the stage (obviously, 
there is no such redress in a motion picture house) ; but 
hissing or sharp criticism must not be indulged in. 




In Public Places 


57 


People who arrive late at theater or opera or come in 
during showing of a motion picture, must move into their 
seats with as little noise and commotion as possible, the 
ladies removing their hats at once, but waiting with their 
wraps (if these were not checked) until the act is done. 
Those who must leave during the performance should have 
their wraps ready and choose a time to leave other than 
during a thrilling crisis or some very soft passage of music. 
Those occupying boxes can come or go at pleasure, since 
they disturb nobody if they move with ordinary caution. 

The Theater Party 

While a box is preferred at the opera, seats on the main 
floor are usually chosen when attending theater, although 
the hostess to a group of young people may give them parquet 
seats while she and several older friends occupy a box where 
they can chaperon without being an actual part of the 
younger group. 

In sending invitations for a large theater party the hostess 
may either use a special form of card or her utility card (see 
page 63) that serves for most of her invitations. The 
former would read: 


Mrs. Almon Westlake 
requests the pleasure of 
Miss Georgia Leffingwell’s 

company at the theater and a small dance afterward 
in honor of her daughter 
Miss Amy Westlake 
on Thursday the tenth of February 
at a quarter past eight o’clock 

Please respond 

The size should be 5 inches wide by 7)4 inches deep. 




58 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


The form used for various purposes would be filled in to 
read practically the same. For a small party the hostess 
might telephone her invitations or write little informal notes. 
The guest follows the style used by the hostess, answering 
in first or third person according to the wording of the invi¬ 
tation : “Miss Georgia Leffingwell accepts” or “declines” the 
invitation above given, and she uses the third person 
throughout her reply. 

Those who accept an invitation to meet at the theater have 
tickets sent them accompanied by the visiting card of the 
hostess, on which is written: “Be in the lobby of the Black- 
stone Theater at 8:10 p. m” If the party meets first for 
dinner the hostess has the tickets ready and usually gives them 
to one of the gentlemen to present at the door. She also 
has made her dinner arrangements, either having paid in 
advance or arranged with some gentleman in the party to 
take the bill, for which she settles with him privately. 

If the hostess knows that some young women of her party 
have automobiles at their command, she may add a line let¬ 
ting them know when and where their cars should call for 
them after theater or dance, but it is her place to provide 
conveyance between the theater and dance. Frequently the 
mothers of some of the young girls invited will telephone to 
inquire whether their cars shall return after theater to con¬ 
vey the party to the dance, but only intimate friends of the 
hostess make such an offer, as it might be considered 
interference on the part of a comparative stranger. 

Arrived at the theater, the hostess meets her guests in the 
lobby or foyer, and as soon as any who are to sit together 
arrive, she sends them in. She waits for the last lady to 
arrive, but does not wait for gentlemen who are late. The 
gentleman escorting the hostess waits with her and takes the 
aisle seat if they do not sit in a box. 




In Public Places 


59 


A hostess should be very careful where she takes young 
girls after theater, some of the dancing restaurants not being 
suitable places for them. Some mothers do not permit their 
daughters to go to parties unless they know and approve the 
places where they are to dance. 

In leaving the theater or opera the hostess takes all un¬ 
attended ladies home, unless their own cars call for them, 
but married couples and odd men take care of themselves. 
If a married lady or widow expects her car to call for her 
some gentleman must wait until it arrives and see her into it. 
She may offer to drop him at his home or merely say, “Thank 
you, and good-night,” and leave him. Sometimes a group of 
young girls are sent home with a maid, or a married couple 
will offer to chaperon any living near them, but the hostess 
is responsible for seeing them in safe hands if she does not 
take them home herself. 

At the opera, seats in a box are considered preferable to 
sitting in the body of the house. Ladies enter first, the most 
distinguished or eldest being seated in the front row of chairs 
and nearest the stage, the seat farthest from the stage being 
that of the hostess, while gentlemen sit in the chairs behind. 
A gentleman does not sit in the front of a box even if he 
happens to be alone in it for a time, and ladies and gentlemen 
never sit in couples as they do in the body of the house. 

It is the duty of the gentlemen to see that the curtains back 
of the box are kept closed so the light in the ante-room will 
not annoy persons in the house, and if the party arrives or 
leaves during the performance they do so as quietly as possi¬ 
ble and keep the curtains open as short a time as necessary. 

There is much visiting during intermissions, but a gentle¬ 
man never leaves the ladies alone in their box, and if he is 
visiting elsewhere he keeps watch and returns to his own box 
when he sees that visitors there are leaving. A gentleman 




60 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


calls only on ladies he knows, and then only if he has some 
acquaintance with the hostess of the lady on whom he calls. 
The gentleman seated behind the lady on whom the call is 
made will rise and give his place to the newcomer and will 
either find another seat or himself visit elsewhere. After 
the signal announcing the next act, a gentleman always takes 
his leave and does not stay through an act. 

Shopping Courtesy 

In Europe no lady or gentleman thinks of entering or 
leaving a shop without a word of greeting and farewell. 
While this custom does not prevail in this country, it is 
courtesy to greet a person with whom one deals regularly 
and to say ‘‘good-by” on leaving. Such greeting should be 
friendly and not condescending, since condescension in man¬ 
ner lacks true courtesy. 

Even though a salesperson is indifferent or discourteous, 
that is no excuse for a shopper to be wanting in politeness. 
Frequently she is reaping the result of discourteous shoppers 
who preceded her. If she cannot get service, there are floor- 
men to whom she can appeal for somebody to wait on her. 

If she is trying to find what is in the market for a certain 
purpose and not ready to buy, she should state this fact and 
also get the name or number of the salesperson who has de¬ 
voted time to her so that she can be called for when actual 
purchase is made and thus get credit for the sale. Most 
shops keep track of amount of sales, so that wantonly wasting 
a salesperson’s time is an actual injury to one who can ill 
afford it. 

Church and Parish 

A church—any church—is a house of worship and to be 
respected accordingly. This would seem a wholly unneces¬ 
sary statement were it not for the memory of visitors to 




In Public Places 


61 


churches where the ceremony was regarded as an odd enter¬ 
tainment and visitors watched and commented accordingly. 
Especially among tourists visiting historic edifices in the Old 
World do we find this lack of respect for religions not their 
own. A visitor is a guest and should comport himself as a 
guest in the house of a friend. 

The pew-holder in a popular church often allows the 
ushers to place a certain number of guests in the pew, and 
persons are expected to move along and not make others pass 
them in entering. If they have an aisle seat they 
may step out for others to enter and then resume their 
place. 

The stranger asks for a seat on entering a church, lest he 
take the place belonging to another. Even where there are 
no reserved pews, regular attendants may have places they 
prefer, and the visitor allows the usher to seat him or takes 
a place in a rear pew. Visitors should stand, kneel and fol¬ 
low the service. Sitting erect when those behind kneel may 
interfere with their devotions, and the least a visitor may do 
is to move forward on his seat and bow his head when others 
kneel. And a visitor no more comments adversely on a 
church service than he does on the courtesies offered him in a 
private home. 

The stranger who wishes to join a congregation may obtain 
a letter from his former pastor. This letter is usually pre¬ 
sented to the pastor in his study during his office hours or 
after church service. The pastor may call or not, he may 
introduce the newcomer or suggest his joining church activi¬ 
ties, or the newcomer may volunteer taking a class or doing 
such work as he did in his former church. But such offers 
should be carefully worded so that he will not seem to be 
forcing himself before his new associates are ready to find a 
place for him. “I had a rather successful class of boys in 




62 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


Dr. G-’s church, so any time you are short of teachers 

I’d be glad to serve,” shows willingness but commits nobody. 

Working on a church committee with others or belonging 
to the same class creates many acquaintanceships between 
people who have little else in common. A bow and smile 
when one meets such acquaintances outside the church is all 
that is necessary, and any closer acquaintance should come 
from the older or more prominent member. Those who have 
mental kinship will gradually find each other out, but being 
associated in church work does not make social intercourse 
compulsory outside this work. 

Charity Committees 

The same conditions exist in charity and community work 
where people have high regard for each other’s ability, but 
their mental and social equipment gives no basis for social 
intercourse outside. Friendships that grow naturally may be 
cultivated after a time, but nobody should presume on church 
and charity work acquaintanceship for more than the bow 
and smile when meeting in public. 

(For etiquette in restaurants and public dining-places see 
chapter on Travel.) 





Chapter VII 

INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS 


W HILE the telephone has largely usurped the functions 
of the note in the issuing of informal invitations, the 
formal invitation must still be engraved and worded in the 
third person. Any invitation may be written in long-hand, 
although that is not usual. The accepted form is an engraved 
one, the form printed from type never being considered 
correct. 

The wedding invitation is engraved on the front page of a 
heavy sheet of note-paper. Other invitations are usually on 
white bristol cards, although the note-paper may be used if 
preferred. The engraving may be in script, block, shaded 
block or old English, preference at present being for shaded 
block. Only for wedding invitations and announcements are 
two envelopes used, the inner one being without mucilage on 
the flap and bearing the name of the recipient without ad¬ 
dress, the outer one being fully addressed. 

An Invitation Form 

People who entertain frequently have what is sometimes 
called a “utility” card of invitation that leaves places to be 
filled in for each occasion. This form, on a card about 3)4 
by 4 Yz inches in size, reads as follows (the italicized words 
being those written in) : 

Mr. and Mrs. George Graham Brookes 
request the pleasure of 
A/r. Wallace Westing house Forting’s 
company at a small dance 
on Monday, March the third 
at ten o’clock 
2021 Eastbourne Avenue 
63 


64 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


The full name need not be on the invitation. Merely 
“Mr. Forting’s" company would have been sufficient, but 
his full name should appear on the envelope. 

With a wedding invitation a card of admittance and a pew 
card are sent if it is a church wedding; a train card is 
enclosed if the wedding takes place out of town. The invi¬ 
tation to reception or breakfast after the wedding is on a card 
matching the wedding invitation and of a size to fit in the 
same envelope without folding: 

Mr. and Mrs. Wallace West 
request the pleasure of 
Miss Gracia Outh<waite's 
company on Thursday the tenth of April 
at five o’clock 

at Fifty-three West Terrace 

R. s. v. p. 

Other Invitations 

A dinner invitation may be on the “utility" card, or a 
special card may be issued. If there is some special entertain¬ 
ment after the dinner this is written in after the address: 
“Small dance," “To go on to the Junior League dance," 
“Music." But if no entertainment is mentioned a guest is 
privileged to make appointments for later in the evening and 
leave about half an hour after the dinner is over. 

These invitations are about 5 to 6 inches wide and 3^2 to 
4^2 inches high, while invitations to teas and receptions are 
on slightly smaller-sized cards. Invitations to a private ball, 
no matter what the size of the assemblage, may announce 
merely that Mr. and Mrs. Blank will be “At Home" at a 
certain time and place, with possibly the word “Dancing" 
written in at the bottom as if it were an afterthought. Only 
a public dance or a “bal poudre" is called a “ball." 




Invitations and Announcements 


65 


Invitations to receptions and teas use “will be at home” 
instead of the capitalized “At Home” of the dance invitation, 
definite time limits are set, and the name of the hostess 
appears, but seldom that of the host, unless he be an artist 
giving a studio tea, or a poet who would read from his work. 

Mrs. Wallace West 
will be at home 

On Wednesday the first of October 
from four until seven o’clock 
Fifty-seven Martingale Court 

If this invitation were in honor of some guest, man or 
woman, there might be written above: “To meet the Right 
Reverend Alton Lakewood.” 

When Answer Is Imperative 

A person who receives an invitation uses the form received 
as model in making reply. If he is invited directly and infor¬ 
mally, he replies in the first person; if the invitation is the 
formal third person he uses that form: 

Mr. Wallace Westinghouse Forting 
regrets that he is unable to accept 
Mr. and Mrs. George Graham Brookes’ 
kind invitation for 
Monday, March the third 

If he accepts, he “accepts with pleasure,” and in his regrets 
he may, if he chooses, add that he regrets “that a previous 
engagement,” “absence from the city” or other adequate 
reason “prevents his accepting the kind invitation of,” etc. 

The form of invitation shows when an answer is expected. 
When the pleasure of one’s company is requested a reply 

must be sent, just as one answers when the letters “R. s. v. p.” 
s 




66 


Standard Dook of Etiquette 


or the English equivalents, “Please respond” cr “An answer 
is requested,” are used. Invitations to a dinner, luncheon, 
formal breakfast, house wedding, dance, card party, theater 
or opera party, should receive prompt reply. Especially if 
the invitation is to a formal dinner should reply be sent 
within twenty-four hours, since the hostess must ask some¬ 
body else should an invited guest decline. Answers must be 
definite acceptances cr refusals, no conditional acceptances 
being permitted. 

Informal Invitations 

A lady may write on her visiting card in issuing invitations 
to an informal dance, card party, tea, musicale or similar 
party. She may on such an invitation abbreviate dates, and 
her card might read: 


Friday, June 10 
Mah-Jongg at 4- o’clock 


Mrs. Wallace West 


R. s. <v. p. 


43 Allen Street 





Invitations and Announcements 


67 


Another form reads: 


Mrs. Wallace West 
Friday, June 8, 4 to 6 P. M. 

To meet 

Mrs. Morgan Schuyler 43 Allen Street 


Recalling or Postponing Invitations 

The following forms are correct and may be written or 
printed, since these emergency forms must be gotten out too 
hurriedly to have them engraved: 

Owing to the illness of Mrs. Lake 
Mr. and Mrs. Archibald Lake 
are obliged to recall their invitations 
for Thursday, the eleventh of October. 

Another form reads: 

Mr. and Mrs. Archibald Lake 
regret exceedingly 

that owing to the illness of Mrs. Lake 
their dance is temporarily postponed. 

Sometimes the announcement merely states that the affair 
will not take place, but omits the reason if that would take 
too much explaining. 





68 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


When a wedding is broken off after invitations have been 
issued the announcement reads: 

Mr. and Mrs. Archibald Lake 
announce 

that the marriage of their daughter 
Ruth Alvord 
and 

Mr. Thomas Bachere 
will not take place. 

For other forms of invitation, see the chapter following 
and also those on the special subject desired. 




Chapter VIII 
NOTES AND LETTERS 


M ANY persons who find it difficult to express themselves 
on paper and who dread writing notes or letters 
would find their task easier if they made a rough draft of 
what they would say in actual conversation. With that as 
a basis they can round out sentences and add necessary data 
and, nine times out of ten, will have a livelier and better 
letter than most people write today. 

The young girl who makes half a dozen false starts in 
attempts to acknowledge the courtesy of a week-end hostess 
would have no hesitancy in saying to a mutual friend: I 
had a wonderful time at Mrs. Montgomery’s house. They 
are all so jolly and you could be on the go every minute or 
stay behind in their wonderful library and loaf if you wanted 
to.” 

Then why not write: 

Dear Mrs. Montgomery: 

Now that I am home again I am still enjoying that wonder¬ 
ful visit at Brookmere, where I could be doing something 
outdoors with you all or stay behind and enjoy that splendid 
old library. I loved every minute of it all and I do so appre¬ 
ciate your asking me down there. 

Thank you, dear Mrs. Montgomery, for thinking of me. 

Most sincerely, 

Dorothy Blaine. 

The person who keeps in mind that note- and letter-writ¬ 
ing are merely transcriptions of what one would say in 
speaking will find letters easier to write. Greater care in 
expression and the omission of anything that may be misun¬ 
derstood or that should not become public knowledge are 
essentials in letter-writing. It is both easier and more cour- 

69 


70 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


teous to reply promptly to any communication, to answer 
an invitation or send congratulations or condolence when the 
news first reaches one. 

Writing and Form 

The typewritten communication is for business use only, 
all social correspondence being written in long-hand. The 
business man should keep note paper and envelopes for his 
social correspondence and answer notes and invitations him¬ 
self except when a reply is written in the third person and 
can be entrusted to a secretary to write. 

Note paper should be plain white or cream-colored, such 
as comes already folded so there are four pages to write on 
and which is then once folded to fit the envelope. Six by 
seven inches, or smaller for short notes, is considered good 
size. 

Handwriting should be legible, spelling, punctuation and 
grammar correct, and sentences fairly short and simple in 
wording. Keep a small dictionary handy if you are not a 
“natural speller,” and remember that underlined words, 
exclamation points and even commas are less popular than 
once they were. 

If there is no engraved address on one’s stationery it may 
be written near the top of the page, to the right, with the 
date below. The name of the month is written in full, 
the date of the month in numerals if followed by the year, 
or written out if the year is omitted: “March 17, 1924,” 
or “March the seventeenth.” The latter form is used when 
written at the end, instead of the beginning, of a note. 

Leave margin of about an inch to the left and half an inch 
to the right of the page, and do not force the last line to the 
very bottom of your page. The most sensible way is to 
write straight forward, one page after another, although in a 




Notes and Letters 


71 


short note the third page usually follows the first in order, 
the second next, the last one being left blank if possible. If 
more than one sheet of paper is required use a whole one; 
though but one side be written on, never use a half-sheet, 
and note paper is preferable to a card, in answering invita¬ 
tions, formal or informal. Black ink is best, and a pencil 
is not permissible in correspondence except by an invalid or 
to one's intimates when writing on a train. 

If a monogram is used this is the only embossing, but a 
crest may be used alone at the top center or may be placed 
to the left with address to the right. All markings should 
be small and uncolored or in black or very dark blue ink. 
Gilt and bright colorings are not good form. 

Country house note paper may give at the top center of 
the sheet the name of the house and address: 

Croftlands 

Western Springs, Illinois 

The name of the nearest town where telephone and tele¬ 
graph are located may be given, or the nearest railway station 
noted in small letters in the upper left-hand corner of the 
paper. 

Address and Signature 

While intimate friends are addressed by their first names 
in notes as in conversation, the form to use for acquaintances 
is “Dear" or “My dear," and for some unknown reason the 
latter is considered more formal, and therefore more gener¬ 
ally employed by a lady in writing to a gentleman who is 
not an intimate friend. In England the rule is reversed. 

In signing a letter, “Yours sincerely" is correct whether 
writing to friends or comparative strangers. “Yours faith¬ 
fully" may be used by one man writing to another man or to 
a woman, but not by a woman to a man. “Yours very 




72 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


truly,” the standard form, is suitable for both formal personal 
notes or for business communications. 

A ceremonious ending, more popular in Europe than 
America, is: 

Believe me, my dear Mrs. Wharton, 

Very sincerely yours, 

Alice Blank Gay. 

Despite its wide use, “Cordially” is not considered the best 
of form, although many persons will continue to use it for 
business letters, since it suggests a desired atmosphere of 
friendliness and service. 

A letter is signed with one’s full name, although many 
Americans use only the middle initial (a custom the English 
cannot understand). A married woman frequently retains 
her maiden name in her signature. Prefixes are always 
omitted except when placed in parentheses before the name in 
a business communication: “(Miss) Constance Little.” A 
married woman signs a letter “Grace Temple Black” and 
then below in parentheses may write: “(Mrs. John Wood 
Black).” Only when a note is written in the third person 
does a lady write her name with the unbracketed prefix: 

Will Mrs. Cleaner give the bearer the blouses she renovated 

and oblige Mrs. j ohn Wood Black . 

or 

Miss Constance Little 
accepts with pleasure 
Mrs. Gray Town’s kind invitation 
for Thursday, December the sixth 
at eight o’clock 

An envelope is addressed to a woman under her husband’s 
name, but not his title. A letter is sent to “Dr. Winthrop 




Notes and Letters 


73 


Best,” but to his wife, “Mrs. Winthrop Best.” A purely 
business communication to a lady who is in business under 
her own name—as many are these days—might be sent to 
her place of business addressed to “Mrs. Natalie Best.” In 
fact, many business acquaintances know business women only 
under their own name, social intercourse being kept quite 
separate. 

Even though a letter or invitation be sent to husband and 
wife jointly, the envelope is addressed to the wife and so is a 
note, the joint names being used only on formal invitations 
and on the inner envelope on a wedding invitation: “Dr. 
and Mrs. Winthrop Best.” 

Letters to small children are addressed to “Master” or 
“Miss,” the first name being used in the note itself except 
for formal invitations, which are scarcely in place for small 
children. 

A letter may be addressed to Charles Pherson, Esq., but 
not to Mr. Charles Pherson, Esq. 

The word “Street” and the name of the city are written 
in full and the name of the city is given for local mail, since, 
if it gets in the wrong mail-bag, the word “City” means 
nothing to the railroad mail clerk. 

The stamp should be placed in the upper right-hand cor¬ 
ner and the sender’s return address, formerly on the envelope 
flap, is now in the upper left-hand corner on the face of the 
envelope in deference to a request from the Post-office 
Department. 

The Bride’s Acknowledgments 

The bride-to-be should be careful to acknowledge promptly 
all notes from friends and relatives, as well as all wedding 
gifts. Waiting makes the writing more difficult and lessens 
the pleasure of the recipient. Each gift should be mentioned 




74 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


so that a note has a personal flavor. “The lovely lunch 
cloth,” “the rare old mahogany curate that will fit so well 
in the living-room at tea time”—such phrases make the 
giver feel that gifts are appreciated. 

Sometimes persons not invited to a wedding send gifts. 
When these are sent in a spirit of kindly interest, as from 
an old friend of the family, or a business acquaintance of 
the bride’s father, a little note should be sent at once with, 
possibly, an invitation to call when the bride is established 
in her own home. If, on the other hand, the gift is from 
some social climber trying to force an intimacy, a very formal 
and correct note of thanks should be dispatched without 
intimating any desire for further acquaintance. Gifts from 
employees or business acquaintances should receive very 
prompt and appreciative acknowledgment. The ex-maid, who 
has married and settled in a far city, will prize the cordial 
acknowledgment of her gift, or be cruelly wounded by a stiff, 
formal and tardy note. 

A gift received from a married couple is acknowledged in 
a note to the wife, the body of the note recognizing the joint 
giving of both. 

Dear Mrs. Weston: 

The nest of tables are lovely and it was so kind of you and 
Mr. Weston to send them. How did you know that both 
Tom and I have a fondness for Chippendale and that these 
tables fit perfectly with the chairs we have selected for the 
living-room? Just as soon as we are settled in our new 
home we will expect you both to come and spend an evening 
with us. 

Yours sincerely, 

Anita Vardon Gates. 

A bride is never congratulated, but a little note may be sent 
wishing her joy and happiness; the bridegroom receives con- 




Notes and Letters 


75 


gratulations by word of mouth or in letters from distant 
friends. The bride’s family announces the engagement, and 
not until after that may the bridegroom tell his friends. 

Other Notes 

Written acknowledgment should be made of birthday, 
holiday and graduation gifts if the donors are not thanked 
by word of mouth, and the note should mention the gift by 
name to give personal touch to it. If many gifts are re¬ 
ceived upon any occasion, it is well to mark cn the cards just 
what each person sent, so that no mistakes will be made in 
acknowledgment. For a bride, a gift book is frequently 
used as a permanent record. The same method of marking 
cards is generally employed when flowers are sent at a 
funeral: “Mr. and Mrs. Tracy Cort, freesias and roses; 
Miss Elizabeth Grant, sheaf of white lilies.” With such a 
list, proper notes of appreciation can later be sent. 

Perhaps the hardest note for people to write is one of con¬ 
dolence, yet all that is required is real sympathy and remem¬ 
brance. 

One’s visiting card, with the words, “With deepest sym¬ 
pathy,” written on it, should be left within a week, without 
inquiring for any of the family if possible; but to an out-of- 
town friend one could write: 

My dear Mrs. Best: 

My heart goes out to you in your loss, and while there 

is little I can say, I do want you to know that my love and 

sympathy are with you in this time of sorrow. 

Most sincerely yours, 

Frances Dawley. 

The reply to a note of sympathy is equally brief, but shows 
appreciation: 




76 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


My dear Miss Dawley: 

Your kind note was much appreciated, for it is a comfort 
at a time like this to feel the sympathy of one’s friends. It 
takes a little of the edge off one’s loneliness. 

In writing concerning the death of one who is very old or 
who has been long ill: 

Nobody could wish your Mother back, for life has held 
little joy for her of late years; but I know how lost you must 
feel without her and my thoughts and sympathy are with you. 


Business 

In writing a business firm, 
“Gentlemen”: 


Letters 

use “Dear Sirs” rather than 

Fifty Fifth Avenue, 

New York, May 10, 1924. 


Morgan and Woolly, 

14 West Gates Street, 

Alton, Illinois. 

Dear Sirs:— 

Please send to the above address ten (10) yards of silk to 
match enclosed sample and charge same to my account. 

Yours truly, 

Vera Town Eston 
(Mrs. Charles Gates Eston). 


The letter of introduction is discussed on page 27. 


Longer Letters 

Little need be said on the subject of longer letters, as 
these are usually the informal interchange between friends 
and relatives, but a few “Don’ts” may be in order. 

Don’t begin a letter with the word “I” if possible to avoid 
it and be chary of the use of that pronoun at all times. Some 
letters have as many “I’s” as a peacock’s tail. 




Notes and Letters 


77 


Don’t write anything that would cause distress or embar¬ 
rassment if the letter fell into the wrong hands. One never 
knows what accident of theft or death may bring private 
correspondence into the hands of the wrong people. 

A lady never suggests correspondence with a gentleman, 
and a school girl should have no continued correspondence 
with men and boys without the approval of her mother or 
next of kin and will do well to be careful to guard her pen 
as she would her tongue in expressing emotions and opinions. 

Don’t write long, rambling letters, but follow the rule of 
the old preacher who said: “Decide what you want to say 
and say it. If you have nothing pleasant to say, keep quiet, 
but, having said your say, quit.” The mother who writes 
of family troubles to children away at school; the wife 
who complains of petty annoyances to the husband trying to 
make good on a business trip; the husband who spoils his 
wife’s visit to her old home by bemoaning the cook’s poor 
breakfasts, are all selfishly hindering the success and happi¬ 
ness of the family as a whole. Little woes look more serious 
when spread on paper; criticism takes on a harsher tone; 
any malicious tinge in a bit of gossip sounds ten times worse 
in the written form. Wherefore as far as possible write the 
cheerful happenings and keep your woes to yourself when 
writing a letter. And, above all, do not discuss private 
affairs of your own or another’s in writing to comparative 
strangers. 




Chapter IX 


TITLES IN CORRESPONDENCE AND CONVER¬ 
SATION 

I N SPEAKING or writing to a person of title certain 
established forms should be followed. While the average 
American has little use for any of these except the ones 
applying to officers of our own government, the clergy and 
representatives of foreign governments, when the need arises 
unexpectedly it is well to know what to say and how to say it. 

There are certain set forms of address and conclusion for 
letters. In conversation the American will do well to follow 
the English fashion of omitting the use of titles except on 
the most formal occasions and using the word “you” when 
direct address is necessary. Even if the title is used in first 
addressing a person, there is no reason for repeating it con¬ 
stantly. 

Since the American has no recognized social class, if he is 
presented at court in England or is accepted socially by 
persons of title, he is assumed to have the social standing of 
those with whom he associates, the aristocracy and gentry of 
the country. That is why he says “you” or “Duke” in speak¬ 
ing to a duke, since “Your Grace” is the form used by maid, 
valet or tradesman. 

It is proper to speak to, and of, a marquis, earl or viscount 
as “Lord Blank” and not by the full title. Similarly a 
marchioness, countess or viscountess is “Lady Blank” and not 
spoken to, or of, as “The Marchioness of Blank,” although 
in addressing an envelope the exact title, with a capitalized 
“The” before it is correct: The Countess of Blank. 

The daughters of dukes, marquises and earls are called 
“Lady Margaret,” “Lady Ellen”; the younger son of a duke 
78 


Titles in Correspondence, Etc. 


79 


or marquis is “Lord Theron Blank” or, to intimates, “Lord 
Theron,” and his wife is spoken of, and to, as “Lady 
Theron.” 

The younger sons of earls and all sons of viscounts bear 
the courtesy title “Honorable,” and daughters also bear this 
title, but it is used only when addressing a letter, and then 
in its abbreviated form: Hon’ble. In speaking to persons 
with this title they would be called Mr., Mrs. or Miss, as 
the case might be. 

A baronet is called “Sir Thomas,” but his wife would be 
“Lady Blankton” and not “Lady Thomas Blankton,” since 
the latter is the form for addressing the wife of the younger 
son of a duke or marquis. 

Etiquette demands that none should speak to royalty un¬ 
less spoken to, but “Sir” and “Madam” are used in answer¬ 
ing a king cr queen, crown prince cr princess, royal duke 
or royal duchess. “Your Majesty” and “Your Royal High¬ 
ness” are net used by persons whose standing permits their 
presentation at court. 

A French duke is addressed by his surname, prefaced by 
“Monsieur,” as “Monsieur de Salignac,” and the word “de” 
(meaning cf) must net be omitted. “Madame de Salignac” 
is used in speaking to a duchess, “Madame la duchesse” being 
the form used by servant cr tradesmen. 

Officers in army or navy are addressed with their title 
before their names, only intimate friends omitting the name 
and saying “General” instead of “General Green.” 




80 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


The Proper Use of Titles, Etc., in 



In introductions: 

In speaking to, say: 

1 

Formal letter begins: 

The President 

The President 

Mr. President 
(during conversa¬ 
tion use Sir) 

Sir:— 

The Vice-President 

The Vice-President 

Mr. Vice-President 
(during conversa¬ 
tion use Sir) 

Sir:— 

The Chief Justice 

The Chief Justice 
(or, for an 

Associate Justice, 

Mr. Justice Blank) 

Mr. Justice 
(during conversa¬ 
tion use Sir) 

Sir:— 

Member of the 
President’s Cabinet 

The Secretary of 
State 

Mr. Secretary 

Sir:— 

Senator, 

(either State or 
National) 

Senator Blank or 
Senator Blank of 
Illinois 

Senator Blank 

Sir:— 

or 

Dear Sir:— 

Member of 

Congress 

Mr. Blank 

Mr. Blank 

Sir:— 

or 

Dear Sir:— 

Governor 

The Governor 
(or, outside his 

State, The Governor 
of Maine) 

Governor Blank 

Your Excellency:— 

Mayor 

Mayor Blank 

Mr. Mayor 

Sir:— 

or 

Dear Sir:— 
























Titles in Correspondence, Etc 


81 


Addressing Persons of Distinction 


Formal letter ends: 

Informal letter 
begins: 

Informal letter 
ends: 

Envelope is 
addressed: 

I have the honor to 
remain Your most 
obedient servant. 

My dear Mr. 
President:— 

I have the honor 
to remain. 

Yours faithfully, 

The President, 
Washington, D. C. 

As above 

My dear Mr. 
Vice-President:— 

Believe me, 

Yours faithfully, 

The Vice-President, 
Washington, D. C. 

Believe me, 

Yours very truly, 

My dear Mr. 

Justice Blank:— 

Yours faithfully, 

The Hon. John Blank, 
Chief Justice of the 
Supreme Court, 
Washington, D. C. 

Yours faithfully, 
or 

Yours very truly, 

My dear Mr. 
Secretary:— 

As above 

The Secretary 
of State, 

Washington, D. C. 

As above 

Dear Senator 

Blank:— 

As above 

Senator John Blank, 
Washington, D. C. 

As above 

Dear Mr. Blank:— 

or 

Dear Congressman:— 

As above 

The Hon. John Blank, 
House of 
Representatives, 
Washington, D. C. 

As above 

Dear Governor 
Blank:— 

As above 

His Excellency 
the Governor, 

State House, 

Augusta, Maine 

As above 

Dear Sir:— (or 

Dear Mayor 

Blank:—) 

1 

As above 

His Honor the 
Mayor, City Hall, 
Augusta, Maine 


6 






















Standard Book of Etiquette 


82 


The Proper Use of Titles, Etc., in 



In introductions: 

In speoking to, 
say: 

Formal letter begins: 

Ambassador (same 
forms for Minister 
Plenipotentiary) 

The American 
Ambassador 

Mr. Ambassador 
(or 

Your Excellency) 

Your Excellency:— 

Consul 

Mr. Blank 

Mr. Blank 

Sir:— 
or 

Dear Sir:-— 

The I’ope 

Receives introduc¬ 
tions but is never 
introduced 

Not etiquette to 
speak unless 
spoken to; then use 
“Your Holiness” 

Your Holiness:— 

Cardinal 

His Eminence 

Your Eminence 

Your Eminence:— 

Roman Catholic 
Archbishop 

The Most Reverend 
the Archbishop 

Your Grace 

Most Reverend and 
dear Sir:— 

Bishop 

(Roman Catholic 
or Protestant) 

Bishop Blank 

Bishop Blank 

Right Reverend and 
dear Sir:— 

Priest 

Father Blank 

Father 

Reverend and dear 
Sir:— 

Protestant 

Clergyman 

Mr. Blank (or 

Dr. Blank, if 
be has his D.D.) 

Mr. (or Dr.) 

Blank 

Dear Sir:— 

Rabbi 

Rabbi (or 

Dr.) Blank 

Rabbi (or Dr.) 
Blank 

Rabbi, Rev. or Dr. 
(before full name) 


/ 
































Titles in Correspondence, Etc. 83 


Addressing Persons of Distinction 


Formal letter ends: 

Informal letter 
begins: 

Informal letter 
ends: 

Envelope is 
addressed : 

I have the honor to 
remain, 

Yours very truly, 

Dear Mr. 
Ambassador:— 

Yours faithfully, 

To His Excellency, 
The American 
Ambassador, 

The American 
Embassy, 

Paris, France 

Yours very truly, 

My dear Mr. 

Blank:— 

As above 

The Hon. John Blank, 

I have the honor to 
remain, 

Your Holiness’ most 
humble servant, 

Not used 

Not used 

His Holiness, 

Pope Tius, 

The Vatican, 

Rome, Italy 

As above 

Same as formal 

Same as formal 

His Eminence, John 
Cardinal Blank 

I have the honor to 
remain, 

Your humble servant, 

Same as formal 
beginning 

Same as formal 
ending 

The Most Reverend 
John Blank, Arch¬ 
bishop of Baltimore 

I have the honor to 
remain, 

Your obedient 
servant (or. Yours 
respectfully) 

My dear Bishop, 

Yours faithfully, 

The Right Reverend 
John Blank, 

Bishop of Oregon 

I beg to remain. 

Yours faithfully. 

Dear Father Blank, 

Yours faithfully, 

The Rev. John 

Blank, 

As above 

Dear Mr. (or Dr.) 
Blank 

Yours faithfully, 
(or, sincerely) 

The Rev. John 

Blank (not Rev. Mr.) 

I beg to remain. 

Yours sincerely, 

Dear Mr. (or Dr.) 
Blank 

Yours sincerely, 

The Rev. (or Rabbi 
or Dr.) John Blank, 















































Chapter X 


TEAS AND OTHER AFTERNOON ENTERTAIN¬ 
MENTS 

I N MANY households afternoon tea is served at five 
o’clock each day in the living-room for the mistress of the 
house and such intimate friends as may come informally for 
a short visit. Because the tea hour is for intimates, formal 
calls should be made before five o’clock. An invitation to 
“come for tea” on a certain day means to come at five or 
shortly thereafter, and a hostess often sends her visiting card 
to a few friends with the invitation informally written across 
the top. 

At these informal teas a servant brings in a folding table 
or clears a small table and then places it next the hostess, 
a white linen cloth is put on it, and then the tray is brought 
in with all necessary service for tea: the tea-pot, water-urn 
or pitcher, cream, cut sugar in a bowl, sugar tongs, sliced 
lemon, tea caddy, cups and saucers. Teaspoons are on the 
saucers or laid in a little pile on the tray, but not in a 
holder. A pile of small tea plates with a little folded napkin 
on each plate is put on the table, and each plate is taken 
up with its napkin on it. These napkins are eight to ten 
inches square when opened. Plates of thin bread and butter 
sandwiches, small individual cakes, toast or muffins are served. 
If the sandwiches are filled, materials that are dry enough to 
allow taking the sandwiches in the fingers to eat are prefer¬ 
able; and cakes also must be such as need no forks in 
handling them. 

The hostess makes the tea fresh and strong and then adds 
boiling water for those who like it weak, asking each guest 
as the tea is poured how she likes hers. A bowl should stand 
on the tray so that when a second cup is poured—and it is 
84 


Teas—Afternoon Entertainments 


85 


quite correct to accept the second cup when offered—the 
hostess may empty therein any cooled tea remaining from the 
first cupful. If the hot water is in a silver or copper kettle 
over a burning alcohol lamp or connected with an electric 
plug, it can be kept at the boiling point. 

A little stand in three tiers known as a “curate” is fre¬ 
quently used to hold the plates of toast and other foods. It 
has a handle by which it can easily be passed about. The 
guests are seated near the hostess, but if there is a new 
arrival some young man or woman moves away to make room 
for the newcomer. 

The hostess should either have several small tables—nests 
of four or six are popular—that are placed about near the 
guests, or tables ordinarily in the room are sufficiently cleared 
so that guests need not hold their plates on their laps. 
Where there are no servants the hostess may have her tea 
service all prepared in an inconspicuous corner and draw it 
forward when she is ready to serve, bringing the sandwiches 
from the ice-box where they have been kept fresh, and her 
other supplies from the kitchen. But even in a household 
where there are servants the guests help themselves after 
tea has been brought and the hostess has poured. Gentle¬ 
men serve the ladies, or younger women wait on the older 
ones if no gentlemen are present. 

The hostess does not rise except to greet newcomers, and 
even then she may but make the motion of rising and indicate 
a place near her for all but the most distinguished guests to 
whom she must show formal courtesy. She watches to see 
that all are supplied, while servants come only when rung 
for to replenish sandwich plates, bring fresh tea or remove the 
service when all are finished. If there is no maid the hostess 
allows the plates to stand or may have some intimate friend 
aid her in quickly removing the service. 




86 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


Formal Teas 

The formal tea is sometimes merely a tea or it may be a 
reception with or without dancing. It is a favored method 
for presenting a young daughter to society. (See Chapter 
XV.) 

Invitations to such a tea are sent to persons on the calling 
list of the hostess and are on a card about 5J/2 inches wide 
by 3y> deep, and reading: 

Mrs. Allerton Kenyon 
and Miss Leonore Kenyon 
will be at home 

on Thursday, January the seventh 
from four until seven o’clock 
at Forty-five North Starrett Street 

If two mothers combine in presenting their daughters the 
form gives the names of both hostesses and both debutantes, 
but is otherwise the same as the one given, and each hostess 
would take part of the cards and send them with her personal 
card to such friends as are not on the list of the other hostess. 

At a very formal tea a man is engaged to call carriages, a 
footman opens carriage doors, and another is at the house 
door to open it as guests approach and before they can ring 
the door bell. But many hostesses content themselves with 
a maid cr man who opens the house door and directs guests 
to the dressing-rooms. Ladies and gentlemen are assigned 
separate coat-rooms, or the gentlemen may have racks pro¬ 
vided in a long hall for their hats and coats. Ladies leave 
their coats and usually their furs, but retain both hats and 
gloves. 

Guests at a tea enter when the door is opened without ask¬ 
ing for the hostess and deposit cards on the servant’s tray or 





Teas—Afternoon Entertainment; 


87 


on the hall table if no tray is offered (one being left for the 
hostess and one for any other lady whose name appears on 
the invitation, but not exceeding three cards even if more are 
receiving). 

Guests may come any time within the specified hours and 
remain only a few minutes or over an hour, depending on the 
number of people they know and their other engagements. 
They greet the hostess and any guests of honor when they 
enter, but do not monopolize them when other guests ap¬ 
proach, and they go (without special invitation) to the din¬ 
ing-room or wherever tea is being served. They are served 
with tea and help themselves to the food on the tables. 

Flowers usually decorate the room where the hostess re¬ 
ceives, and if it is a coming-out party so many flowers are 
usually sent by friends to the debutante that these are banked 
about the room. The hostess and her daughter receive just 
inside the drawing-room door, and if a butler be employed 
he asks each guest at the room entrance, “What name, 
please ?” and then announces it, distinctly but not too loudly. 
The hostess usually shakes hands with the guest and says 
how pleased she is to see her; the guest says she is happy 
she could come, the daughter or other person receiving with 
the hostess is then presented to her (or a gentleman would 
be presented to a lady), and the guest moves on into the room 
to greet other friends. 

The guests wear afternoon costume; the hostess wears 
the same, usually with long white gloves, and the debutante 
daughter wears a light simple evening dress and is without 
jewels. The gentlemen wear cutaway coats and striped dark 
gray trousers. Young girls are frequently asked to help re¬ 
ceive, but they mingle with the guests, dancing and looking 
after those who seem to be strangers, rather than standing 
in the reception line. Music for the dancing in another 




88 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


room is usually so placed that it can be enjoyed also by the 
older folk who do not dance but sit about having tea or 
chatting as they move about the rooms. The young folk 
begin dancing as soon as they arrive (when there is dancing), 
and the debutante may join them after an hour if most of 
the invited guests have arrived, but she must not go just 
as new arrivals come. 

At a formal tea of this sort either the household servants 
preside at the buffet table or a caterer’s men are in charge, 
offering guests tea or coffee, little sandwiches, cakes, bonbons 
and salted nuts. Fruit punch is served in another room 
more convenient for the dancers. Guests help themselves to 
sandwiches and other food, but the tea or coffee is passed 
on trays with creamer and sugar, and guests may help them¬ 
selves when the tray is offered them, or servants stand (they 
are never seated) behind the urns and guests step up to the 
table and ask for tea or coffee, as they wish. 

Guests take leave of their hostess before donning their 
wraps, unless she seems busy, in which case they need not 
wait to speak to her, except on a first visit to her house, 
when they wait until she is unoccupied, and then say good- 
by and that they have enjoyed their afternoon. 

Semi-formal Teas 

At a semi-formal tea without dancing, given to introduce 
a visiting friend, or as a house-warming, or as a means of 
getting in touch with friends after a long absence, the visiting 
card of the hostess is sent (the words in italics are written 
in) : 

To meet Mrs. Vincent Kenyon 

Mrs. Allerton Kenyon 

Wednesday, Feb. 14- 

Music at 4 o’clock 


442 North Starrett Street 




Teas—Afternoon Entertainments 


89 


Afternoon dress is worn, cloaks left in the coat-room and 
cards left (or sent to arrive on the day, if guests cannot 
come), but the retinue of servants seen at a formal tea is 
dispensed with excepting the maid to open the door and direct 
guests to the coat-room. The hostess need not stand near 
the door, but keeps conveniently near to step forward and 
greet arrivals. 

Two friends of the hostess “pour” in the dining-room, 
seated behind the urns, but otherwise guests help themselves. 
When more than twenty guests are invited the hostess has 
tea served in this manner rather than pouring informally in 
the living-room as she does every afternoon when she is at 
home. 

If guests are not introduced they may wander about and 
go into the dining-room, where they help themselves, asking 
for tea or coffee from the ladies serving and then taking 
their plate and cup to some convenient chair near the wall 
or standing about while they eat. They may chat informally 
with ladies standing near, without introduction. Frequently 
the hostess introduces guests who are strangers and sees that 
they meet a few people, but this is not necessary. 

The hostess may accompany some very old or distinguished 
guests to the dining-room, but usually she merely says, 
“Won’t you have a cup of tea?” and nods towards the room 
as a suggestion to guests who do not seem ready to go unin¬ 
vited. Or she may introduce a stranger to some friend and 
say, “Won’t you see that Mrs. Blank is served?” and the 
friend then takes the stranger to the dining-room and sees 
that she is served and seated next to some people to whom 
she is introduced. If the guest knows the ladies who are 
pouring she may draw up her chair to one side and sit near, 
chatting as she has her tea, but she must not sit where she 
interferes with the duties of the lady who is pouring, nor do 




90 


Standard Cook of Etiquette 


guests stay in the dining-room when they have finished, but 
make room for others. 

Gloves are removed before going to the dining-room 
usually, though some few people prefer to retain them. The 
ladies who serve wear hats cr not, as they choose, but remove 
their gloves. 

Those who pour keep a general watch over the table, 
telling maids when to replenish sandwich and cake plates, 
remove soiled dishes and get fresh tea or coffee. They ask 
guests how they wish their tea or coffee (whether they use 
sugar, cream, lemon, etc.) and look after any guests who 
do not seem to know what to do. The hostess thanks these 
friends personally before they leave. 

When a tea is given to introduce a house guest, visitors 
leave a card for the guest as well as for the hostess. If the 
"at home” is a house-warming, the whole house is supposed 
to be on display, doors are left invitingly open, and guests 
wander about as they choose, inspecting the new home. At a 
house-warming cr a reception to introduce a newly-married 
couple the husband receives with his wife. 

Other Afternoon Parties 

If cards, music cr readings are to be given, the hostess 
writes the word, “Music,” or “Cards,” below the hours noted 
on her card. 

Guests who arrive during a program number greet the 
hostess quietly and take scats cr stand near the doer until the 
number is finished. 

Either a short program is given and tea served afterwards 
or the program is in two parts and tea served between them. 
Chairs are arranged in informal groups for a small party, 
but if many guests are present the chairs must be placed in 


rows. 





Teas—Afternoon Entertainments 


91 


The Card Party 

Invitations to a card party are by telephone or note, or the 
card of the hostess is used, giving the date and “Bridge at 
four o clock, and also “R. s. v. p.,” because a hostess must 
know how many to fill in for, so that response is necessary 
for a card party invitation, although not to a reception or tea 
unless for some reason the hostess asks response cn her 
invitation. 

Ladies retain hats but discard gloves with their cloaks at a 
card party. The hostess greets them and assigns them to 
their tables, sees that all at a table are introduced and 
usually keeps one table for late comers, so the others can 
begin on time. She plays or not, as she sees fit, often taking 
the hand of a late arrival in the beginning of play. When 
the time for playing is nearly ended she announces that the 
next will be the last game and later takes the scores and gives 
the prizes. Should she win a prize it is given to the next 
highest score. 

The hostess may invite those who play to come at three 
o’clock and others to come in at five for tea. Some hostesses 
have a couple of tables devoted to mah-jongg for those who 
do not play cards, and a separate prize is given the winner 
at this game. 

Gentlemen seldom are asked to afternoon card parties, but 
do go to evening card parties. These are at eight o’clock, 
and a cold supper or chafing-dish fare is served later, usually 
at ten or after. At a stag card party the hostess would 
see that supper is ready, but would not appear at all during 
the evening, either to greet or serve the guests. 

Even though invitations are sent cn the visiting card of 
the hostess, when answer is required it is in the form of 
formal, third-person response. 






Chapter XI 

BREAKFASTS, LUNCHEONS AND SUPPERS 

T HE formal breakfast is little more than the luncheon 
with simple menu and served at twelve or half after 
twelve o’clock. When a hostess gives a morning bridge 
or musicale and guests come at eleven the breakfast is served 
shortly after noon, when other entertainment is over, or it 
may serve as a break in the card-playing at a morning bridge. 

Men are seldom asked to a luncheon, but may be asked 
to a formal breakfast. Guests are seated at small tables, 
unless the party numbers under twenty and can conveniently 
be placed at one long table. For the formal meal men wear 
the usual afternoon frock coat and dark gray striped trousers 
and women wear afternoon frocks and retain their hats. 

A very popular and simple breakfast menu served by a 
country club near Chicago consists of grape fruit, followed 
by ham and eggs, hot rolls and toast, coffee and coffee cake. 
But the menu may be as elaborate as a luncheon except that 
soup should not be served, although bouillon in cups is 
permissible. 

The Wedding Breakfast 

The wedding breakfast is sometimes a stand-up affair, 
guests helping themselves from dishes placed on the dining¬ 
room table and sideboards. Such foods must then be served 
as can be eaten with a fork and no knife be needed for 
cutting. Some chairs are about the wall for those who care 
to be seated, but most of the guests stand about in groups, 
going to the table to serve themselves and the gentlemen see¬ 
ing that elderly ladies are served. Bouillon, creamed chicken 
or oysters, or lobster croquettes, followed by salad, ice cream 
and cakes, coffee and salted nuts, may be served. With such 
92 


Breakfasts—Luncheons—Suppers 


93 


a meal there are sufficient servants to pour and to bring the 
ice cream on individual dishes when guests are ready for it. 

At a small wedding breakfast guests may be seated, and 
then dishes requiring the use of a knife may be served, such 
as squab or' small birds. 

The bride and bridegroom usually sit at the head of the 
table, the bride to the right of her husband, the best man on 
the other side, and ushers, maid of honor and bridesmaids 
are also at this table. The bride’s parents are at another 
table, the bride’s father taking in the bridegroom’s mother 
first and the bride’s mother entering last on the arm of the 
bridegroom’s father. The officiating clergyman is also at this 
table, at the left of the bride’s mother. At a sit-down 
breakfast the bride makes the first cut into her cake, al¬ 
though a servant may finish the cutting for her. 

A caterer is usually employed to manage a wedding break¬ 
fast and supplies food, servants and necessary extra linen, 
china and silver. 

Informal Breakfasts and Luncheons 

Invitations to informal luncheons and breakfasts may be 
by telephone or a little note may be sent: 

Dear Mrs. Smith: 

Won’t you come to luncheon on Friday the tenth at one 

o’clock? Just eight of us, and we will play bridge after¬ 
wards. 

Sincerely yours, 

Margaret Restarick. 

If this were a breakfast invitation the hour would be 
before one o’clock. In any event, the guest must reply at 
once. A more formal invitation would read: 





94 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


Mrs. Elliott Restarick 
requests the pleasure of your company 
at a breakfast 

on Wednesday, May the eighth 
at twelve o’clock 
Edgemere Country Club 

Please respond to 

Forty Grasmere Road 

Whether the card be engraved cr written, whether a re¬ 
sponse be asked or not, a reply must be sent within forty- 
eight hours that the hostess may plan accordingly. 

If cards or a musicale precede the breakfast or follow, the 
fact should be stated. On the above invitation the line “at a 
breakfast” would be omitted, the hour made “eleven o’clock,” 
and above the request for response would be written “Bridge- 
breakfast.” 


Early Breakfasts 

In the country many hostesses invite guests to an informal 
early breakfast at nine or ten o’clock. Gentlemen come in 
business suits or sports clothes, the women wearing plain 
frocks or summer sports clothes. Many hostesses are famous 
for some particular breakfast dish and serve a very simple 
meal, relying cn the excellence and abundance of the spe¬ 
cialty—and perfect coffee—to please her guests. Coffee is 
frequently made by the hostess at the table, and the meal 
may be served at table cr dishes be placed cn the sideboard, 
where guests go to replenish their plates, the servants merely 
bringing in fresh supplies of het toast cr hot cakes or waffles. 

At any informal small breakfast or luncheon the hostess 
may prepare her main dish on a chafing-dish at the table, but 
she must be able to maintain conversation while cooking and 
be a very good cook into the bargain if this procedure is to 
be successful. 




Breakfasts—Luncheons—Suppers 


95 


The Luncheon 

While a few flowers and plain service are the rule at a 
breakfast, there may be a profusion of flowers at a luncheon, 
and dainty doily sets take the place of the more severe 
breakfast linens. The use of candles on the tables in day¬ 
time is disappearing, flowers and low dishes of fruit taking 
their place. But the fruit must be real and not imitation. 

The guests at a luncheon wear afternoon costume, leav¬ 
ing wraps in the dressing-room, but ladies retain their hats 
and take off their gloves when they go in to luncheon, lay¬ 
ing the latter on their laps under their napkins, and do not 
roll them up on their arms. 

When the guests have arrived (a hostess usually does not 
have the meal served until fifteen minutes after the announced 
hour) butler or maid announces that “Luncheon is served” 
and the hostess leads the way and then, standing at her 
place, tells the guests where to sit or waits while they find 
their place-cards, the honored guest being on her right. If 
two are special guests, the other honor guest is seated on 
her left. When all are ready she is seated; the others also 
sit, the hostess tailing her chair being the signal they await 
before taking their places. If gentlemen are present at a 
meal they hold the chair for the lady they escort unless there 
be enough men servants present to do so. The butler, if 
there be one, stands behind the chair of the hostess, sees 
that she is seated and keeps his place behind her when not 
serving. 

The relish or appetizer is on the table before the guests 
enter the room. This course may be chilled fruit (grape¬ 
fruit or a mixture of fruits served in a flat, stemmed glass), 
or anchovy paste or other savory spread on a thin square or 
circle of toast. Consomme or bouillon is next placed on the 




96 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


service plate which is left when the fruit glass is removed. 
After the soup, the hostess serves chops, chicken, a creamed 
dish or patties. 

The hostess may also serve the green vegetable and po¬ 
tatoes or she may have the maid pass these and let guests 
help themselves. Individual dishes are not used for vege¬ 
tables, guests putting these on their meat plates. Salad may 
be a separate course or served on small salad plates with the 
meat course. After the salad course the dessert is served. 

The coffee is brought in on a large tray, the hostess serv¬ 
ing at table. At a summer luncheon a cool drink may also 
be served. 

When men are present at a breakfast the host takes in the 
guest of honor, other couples follow, the hostess entering 
last with the gentleman who is honored by the seat at her 
right. 

When no entertainment follows the meal, guests who have 
afternoon engagements are privileged to leave fifteen min¬ 
utes after leaving the dining-room, the hostess merely saying 
she is “so sorry” they must go, but not attempting to detain 
them. If they have no engagement they stay until the guest 
of honor—if not a house guest—leaves. 




Chapter XII 

DINNERS: FORMAL AND INFORMAL 

A N INVITATION to dinner is supposed to be the high- 

• est compliment that one person can pay another a 

mark of esteem and friendship. To such an invitation a 
prompt reply, of acceptance or regret, is imperative. 

Sometimes the invitation is for dinner only; sometimes 
this is followed by a dance, the opera, theater or cards. If 
the hostess knows that all her guests are invited to a 
dance given by another hostess she may include in her invi¬ 
tation the statement that they will go on to Mrs. Blank’s 
after dinner. 

The formal dinner is the most elaborate of meals, but 
even so, the number of courses is but half what it was some 
years ago, short dinners perfectly served being the present 
fashion. 

Invitations to a formal dinner are sent two to three 
weeks in advance; to an informal dinner, two weeks or less 
in advance. 

Forms of Invitation 

The utility form that can be filled in for any purpose has 
been described in the chapter on Invitations and Announce¬ 
ments. A form used only for dinners has virtually the 
same wording, the chief difference being that it is all 
engraved except the name of the person invited and the 
date. This form reads: 

Mr. and Mrs. Vandemark 
request the pleasure of 
Mr. Allison Lake's 
company at dinner 
on Tuesday, March the seventeenth 
at eight o’clock 

Twelve hundred Margent Street 
97 


7 


98 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


At a large public dinner the third line, written in above, 
would be omitted and the word “your” prefixed to the 
fourth line, the envelope address being the only personal 
touch to the invitation. But for a private dinner the more 
personal form is preferable. 

If the formal invitation is written in long-hand it should 
be on the first sheet of double-fold note paper and follow 
the exact form of the engraved model, line for line, except 
that the house number is usually embossed at the top of 
the sheet and need therefore not be repeated in the body of 
the invitation. Since everybody is supposed to know that 
a dinner invitation requires a prompt reply, request for 
reply is seldom used except on invitations to public func¬ 
tions. The third-person form is used throughout both in 
invitation and reply. A formal acceptance should read as 
follows: 

Mr. Allison Lake 
accepts with pleasure 
Mr. and Mrs. Vandemark’s 
kind invitation for dinner 
on Tuesday, March the seventeenth 
at eight o’clock 

If Mr. Lake’s second line had read “regrets that he is 
unable to accept,” he might omit the last line, since his 
understanding the hour of dinner is then immaterial to his 
hostess. 

Filling In 

If husband and wife are invited together, one may not 
accept if the other refuses. If at the last minute one of 
them is prevented from going the proper thing is to get a 
substitute who will be acceptable to the hostess, usually some 
relation of the guest. If this is impossible the hostess should 




Dinners: Formal and Informal 


99 


be notified and the one who can come should offer to stay 
away also. It then remains for the hostess to invite one 
person to fill in, or accept the offer to stay away and invite 
a couple to fill in. 

The hostess asks an intimate friend or the grown son or 
daughter of a friend to “fill in.” Such a request is in the 
nature of asking a favor, not of granting one, and the guest 
should be thanked afterwards by the hostess for coming. 
Nobody should be offended by a last-minute invitation, since 
it shows a reliance on his friendship. 

Guests and Hostess 

The hour for a formal dinner is usually anywhere from 
seven to eight o’clock, the latter hour being preferred in 
the large Eastern cities, while in the South and West the 
tendency is to dine earlier. In any event, and whether the 
dinner be formal or informal, the invitation and accept¬ 
ance must both state the hour, so that mistake is avoided. 
“Only death or dire disaster can excuse being late for a 
dinner engagement” was an old-time rule that still prevails 
among persons of fashion, despite the laxness in many other 
social obligations. If no entertainment is noted in the lower 
left-hand corner of the invitation, such as “dancing,” “music,” 
etc., the guest may plan to go on somewhere else a half hour 
after dinner is done, but must not leave after dinner if the 
hostess has announced further entertainment. 

The hostess must have seen that all is in order and be in 
her drawing-room ready to receive guests fifteen minutes 
before the dinner hour. Guests endeavor to arrive about 
five or ten minutes before the announced hour, but it is 
usual to delay dinner announcement ten to fifteen minutes 
later so that those who were unavoidably delayed may ar¬ 
rive before guests are seated. When guests arrive they are 




100 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


directed by servants to dressing-rooms. Sometimes provi¬ 
sion is made for the gentlemen to leave their overcoats 
and hats in the hall. The men remove their gloves, but 
ladies retain theirs until seated at table, when they draw 
off their gloves and lay them in their laps under their nap¬ 
kins. Ladies wear collarless, short-sleeved or sleeveless 
gowns and gentlemen wear full dress, the Tuxedo being 
only for small informal dinners or affairs at which gentle¬ 
men only are present. In fact, strictly speaking, the Tuxedo 
is intended only for gentlemen’s affairs or home dinners, de¬ 
spite the fact that many men wear them to informal dinners. 

At a formal dinner the servant in the hall offers to 
each gentleman a tray on which there are little envelopes. 
He finds the one with his name on it, and inside is a card 
with the name of the lady he is to take in to dinner. And 
in this placing of her guests lies much of the success of a 
hostess, since people care quite as much for having inter¬ 
esting company about them as for the dinner itself, and a 
brilliant conversation lingers in the mind long after a chef’s 
triumph is forgotten. 

When a gentleman receives the envelope containing the 
name of his dinner partner, he may find also the direction 
“right” or “left” on the envelope, or the butler may be 
stationed at the dining-room door to indicate to each gentle¬ 
man to which side he should turn on entering the room. At 
a very large dinner, where fifty to a hundred or more guests 
assemble, the card may have the table number on it and 
a hall-man shows a chart of the dining-room to the gentle¬ 
men so they will have an approximate idea where their 
table is locatod, thus saving considerable time and confusion 
in seating the company. 

At large dinners a man-servant asks the name of guests 
and announces them: “Mr. and Mrs. Cooke,” or, for mother 





Dinners: Formal and Informal 


101 


and son: “Mrs. Cooke, Mr. Cooke.” The lady enters the 
room first excepting in the case of the President, the Vice- 
President, the Governor of a State, Mayor of a city or the 
Ambassador of a foreign power. Then the announcement 
would be: “The President and Mrs.-,” and the gentle¬ 

man enters the room first. 

The hostess stands near the door where she can greet 
her guests, and as soon as they have spoken to her they 
move on into the room; the gentleman either seats the lady 
he accompanies or leaves her with friends and seeks out 
the lady he is to escort to dinner. If he does not know 
her he asks the host to introduce him, or, failing that, pre¬ 
sents himself, saying: “I am John Thomas, Mrs. Greeley, 
and I am to have the pleasure of taking you in to dinner.” 
Of course, the first phrase would be omitted if the host 
introduced him, but in any event Mrs. Greeley would re¬ 
spond with a smiling, “How do you do?” and follow this 
with some remark—“Isn’t the room lovely with all the 
flowers about?” or “Are you not the brother of my friend, 
Grace Thomas ?” or some other remark to start conversation. 

When Guests Are Late 

The hostess allows about fifteen minutes after the an¬ 
nounced hour for any who may have met with delays, and 
then those who come later must enter the dining-room as 
quietly as possible, going on with the dinner at the course 
being served, the hostess never having the extra courses 
sent for when a guest is late. When dinner is announced 
and some gentleman has not arrived the host takes the 
extra lady in with his own partner or he asks some inti¬ 
mate friend near whom she is to sit to take her in. She 
walks with the couple, but does not take the gentleman s 
arm as does his dinner partner. A gentleman whose partner 




102 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


has not come goes in alone after assuring himself that 
she has not arrived, waiting until all other guests except 
the hostess and her partner have gone in. The host and 
his partner are the first couple to enter; the hostess and her 
escort are the last. 

Guests who arrive after the company is seated are greeted 
by the host, who rises and shakes hands. The hostess merely 
bows to a gentleman, but rises and greets a lady who is 
late and who comes up to the hostess to shake hands and 
murmur a quick word of apology—“So sorry, we were caught 
in a traffic jam,” or similar speech, but never a many-worded 
explanation. 

When Dinner Is Served 

When dinner is served the butler, having seen that all 
is in readiness, steps to the door and announces: “Dinner 
is served,” looking directly at the hostess as he does so. 
If a maid makes the announcement she steps into the room 
and stands near the hostess, making the announcement in 
lower tones. 

If the hostess is a widow or unmarried she arranges with 
some gentleman to take the place of host and lead the way 
with the woman guest of honor, she coming last with her 
partner. As soon as all are in their places the hostess is 
seated, and on her motion the other ladies take their seats 
and the gentlemen sit as soon as they have seen that the 
ladies they accompany are comfortably placed, the host being 
the last to sit. Yet, so quickly do guests follow the lead 
of their hostess that there is barely noticeable time before 
all are seated. A recent custom permits ladies to be seated 
without waiting for the hostess, but this is scarcely general 
enough yet to be accepted everywhere. 

Guests must speak to the persons seated next them 
whether or not they have been introduced. Even if they 




Dinners: Formal and Informal 


103 


happen to be unfriendly, such feeling must be disregarded 
for the time being, though they need not know each other 
again after leaving the house. It is quite correct to intro¬ 
duce one’s self to one’s neighbor at dinner, either lady 
or gentleman speaking first, although a much older person 
is more likely to take the lead. A gentleman may, if he 
sees the lady’s place card, say, “I am John Thomas, Mrs. 
Gregory,” upon which the lady says, “How do you do ?” and 
after barely a moment’s pause, “Isn’t it an attractive table?” 
or, if he has not used her name, she introduces herself. 

The hostess talks to people on one side of her and then 
on the other, so that the flow of conversation will not be all 
in one direction. 

At a formal dinner an average of one man or waitress 
is needed for each six guests, although a single waitress 
can manage to serve eight if the dinner is planned with 
quick service in mind. A maid wears black, with white 
collar, cuffs and small apron, and usually also a lawn bow 
or cap. A butler wears the house livery, and none of the 
servants, except one who opens motor doors, wear gloves. 

Guests should take whatever is served them and either 
leave untouched some course they cannot eat or, more cour¬ 
teously, eat a little of each course served. People on a strict 
diet do not belong at formal dinners any more than do 
people who will not take the trouble to be agreeable to those 
seated next to them. It is neither necessary nor good form 
to keep up a constant flow of conversation, but an occa¬ 
sional remark, a clever story or that subtlest of all compli¬ 
ments, an interest in one’s neighbor’s pet hobby, should be 
offered by a dinner guest. 

If sudden illness, a telephone call or other emergency 
calls a guest from the table, he turns to the hostess and 
says, “Will you excuse me?” before rising, and, when he 




104 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


comes back, slips quietly into his place, and the interruption 
is ignored. 

When dinner is over and the hostess sees that all have 
finished she usually signals by a nod and smile to the lady 
who is guest of honor and then rises. All rise, each gentle¬ 
man usually drawing out the chair of the lady to his right. 
Whether the gentlemen accompany the ladies to the draw¬ 
ing-room and then go back to the dining-room or the smok¬ 
ing-room, or whether they merely stand back while the ladies 
pass out of the room, is optional, the host’s lead being fol¬ 
lowed on any given occasion. The hostess serves coffee to 
the ladies in the drawing-room, a servant bringing in a tray 
with the necessary equipment. She may also have cigarettes 
passed if local custom permits, but a lady should not smoke 
unless the hostess offers cigarettes. 

The gentlemen do not linger more than fifteen or twenty 
minutes over their cigars and coffee (nor do they pull out 
their own favorite brands before sampling the host’s cigars 
or cigarettes, nor do they bring their favorite pipes along), 
but the time may be considerably shortened if the party 
is going on somewhere else later. The host suggests when 
it is time to join the ladies. 

Leave-Taking 

Guests must stay at least a quarter hour after dinner is 
over before pleading another engagement. Supposedly the 
guest of honor must make the first move to leave, but young 
folk often have other engagements and are privileged to 
go after a short interval, saying good-night to their hostess 
and slipping out without disturbing others, except a word of 
farewell by a gentleman to the lady he took in to dinner. 

Unless other entertainment is provided, guests usually chat 
for a time and leave between ten and half past ten o’clock. 




Dinners: Formal and Informal 


105 


When there are cards or a dance, the circumstances dictate 
when they shall leave. If the party is going on together 
somewhere else, guests do not linger at table, but are ready 
to follow the signal of the hostess in getting ready to go. 
Only when the entire party is going on can the hostess 
suggest their leaving; otherwise she cannot plan to leave 
until all her guests who are not going with her have taken 
their departure. 

A hostess who is seated rises when a guest takes leave, and 
he tells her what a pleasant evening he has had, and she 
responds that she is so glad he could come. The host may 
accompany an elderly lady or one of great distinction to 
her motor, but the hostess does not move towards the door 
with guests. When a gentleman goes to take leave of the 
lady he took in to dinner she gives her hand but does not 
rise. He says good-night and makes some remark about 
the pleasure of having met her. She may merely say “Thank 
you” and smile in farewell, but if they have found mutual 
interests, either may express the hope that they will meet 
again. 

Servants must be ready to help departing guests, finding 
their wraps and calling automobiles. 

The Informal Dinner 

Invitations by telephone or personal notes written in the 
second person may be the means of inviting guests to an 
informal dinner, and the invitations may be issued but a few 
days before the dinner. It is always safer and will prevent 
awkward misunderstandings if the telephoned invitation is 
followed by a little note saying that: 

We are expecting you on Friday the fifteenth to come 
to dinner at eight o’clock, as we arranged by telephone last 
evening. 




106 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


Or a note and its reply may read: 

Dear Mrs. Gregory: 

Will you and Mr. Gregory dine with us on Friday the sixth 
of March, at eight o’clock, and we can then go on to the Junior 
League dance together. 

Yours sincerely, 

Isabelle Cormanton. 

Dear Mrs. Cormanton: 

It will give us much pleasure to dine with you on Friday 
the sixth of March, at eight o’clock, and go on to the Junior 
League dance with you afterwards. 

Thanking you so much for thinking of us, 

Sincerely yours, 

Amy Foster Gregory. 

While the formal dinner must have an equal number 
of ladies and gentlemen present (unless it be a “stag” af¬ 
fair) this rule need not be so strictly adhered to at an 
informal dinner. Whether or not ladies and gentlemen 
wear dinner dress depends on local customs, but where gen¬ 
tlemen must come directly from business without change 
of clothing, the ladies should wear their best afternoon 
frocks and not appear in formal dinner dress when the 
gentlemen wear business suits. The stranger who has no 
opportunity to learn local customs is never incorrect if he 
dons evening clothes for dinner. 

The hostess should plan her menu for an informal dinner 
with as much care as for the most formal occasion, but if she 
does her own work or has only one maid she should have 
a simple menu, easy to serve and with side dishes that can 
be served with the main dish (like sauteed potato balls 
ready served on the individual fish plate). The roast may be 
carved and served at table, and the salad, in a large bowl, 
passed for each guest to help himself. Often a hostess can 
train a maid to cook and serve a carefully planned meal and 





Dinners: Formal and Informal 


107 


then give a series of small dinners to different groups of 
friends, assuring herself of perfect service by using the same 
menu each time. 

On the informal occasion the gentlemen are not given 
cards telling them whom to take in nor need there be place- 
cards. After each gentleman is greeted by the hostess she 
says, “Will you take in Mrs. Blank?” If he has not met 
the lady either the host or hostess will introduce him, since 
the hostess need not stand near the door in receiving her 
guests, merely keeping watch to greet new arrivals. 

Tips are not given in cloak-rooms at a private house or at 
an exclusive private club, but when invited to a meal at a 
hotel guests tip the cloak-room attendants. Waiters and 
waitresses are never tipped by guests. The exception is when 
a maid or man does some special service in mending a rent 
or removing a stain or similar personal service. For this 
a tip may be given if it seems proper. A frequent guest 
at a house may give a Christmas gift to a friend’s employee 
to whom he is indebted for special services, thus acknowledg¬ 
ing the service without seeming to pay his friend’s employees. 

When in doubt what to wear, remember that full dress 
is always proper after six o’clock. A gentleman receiving 
an informal invitation may ask whether to wear full dress, 
and, if in town on business and not supplied with proper 
costume, may say, “Thanks, I’d like to come, but you see I 
have only business clothes along this trip.” It then remains 
for the prospective host to say he is sorry and let the matter 
drop, if it is to be a formal dinner, or to assure the friend 
that they will not dress that night or that the others will 
understand. 

Formal dinners are seldom given in summer, and for in¬ 
formal affairs in the country the mfin frequently appear in 
white flannels or Palm Beach suits. 




TABLE SETTINGS 





108 



























































Chapter XIII 

TABLE SETTING AND SERVICE 


HE hostess who employs a corps of competent servants 



1 may issue her invitations, tell the chef how many will 
be at dinner on a certain night, see that congenial partners 
are selected and cards written, make a rough chart of seat¬ 
ing arrangements for the butler, and then, after glancing 
over the menu the chef submits, dismiss the matter from 
her mind until she makes ready to receive her guests a 
quarter hour before the dinner hour. But the average hostess 
does much more than this. She must plan a well-balanced 
menu according to the abilities of her cook, select proper 
china, glass and silver, order and arrange her centerpiece 
on the table and give a final glance of supervision before 
she meets her guests with a serenity implying that she has 
no care in the world beyond that of enjoying their company. 

The Russian method, which serves all food on the indi¬ 
vidual plates before bringing it from the kitchen, is more 
in vogue than the English style of carving and serving at 
table. The former leaves host and hostess free to entertain 
guests and supervise servants (without appearing to do so) 
and assures quicker service, with hot foods hotter and cold 
ones colder in consequence. Where the hostess has few 
servants she may use mixed service, having part of the food 
brought in on the individual plates, while she herself serves 
vegetables or salad or has the servant pass vegetables in 
dishes from which guests help themselves. In any case, short 
dinners are considered preferable to elaborate ones. The 
formal dinner includes hors d’ceuvre, soup, fish, entree, roast 
with two vegetables, salad, dessert and coffee. The entree 
is sometimes omitted at a formal dinner, and is seldom served 
at an informal one. 


109 


110 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


The Formal Dinner 

At any dinner a heavy damask cloth is used over a “silence” 
cloth, or a linen and lace cloth may be placed directly over 
the wood, but doily service is not to be used for a dinner. 
The round table is at present popular, and many caterers 
can supply a round top of desired size to fit on the small 
oblong or square table belonging to the hostess. 

Flowers make the most attractive table decorations, ferns 
and wild flowers often being as effective as hot-house blooms. 
The flowers may be placed in the center of the table, with 
smaller vases farther down on each side of a long table, 
or fruit may be substituted for flowers. A bowl of grapes 
of different colors or a mixture of fruits can be used. Low 
decorations that do not cut off the view of those opposite 
are preferred, and the use of ribbons or artificial fruits and 
flowers is not seen generally, although there has lately been 
a vogue for glass flowers in some communities. Tall silver 
or glass candlesticks may be used with unshaded candles 
flanking the centerpiece; but if the candlesticks are low 
enough to bring the candle flame near the line of vision, the 
candles should be shaded. 

The hostess should plan her color scheme so that center- 
piece, candles and china are in harmony. Silver or not too 
ornate china compote dishes hold fruits and bonbons; salted 
nuts may be on the table when guests enter the dining-room. 

Pepper shakers of silver or of glass and silver, together 
with salt dishes (not shakers) are placed within reach of 
each two covers, a “cover” being the place laid at table for 
each person. Casters are no longer used, and cruets for 
oil and vinegar have no place on the formal dinner table. 

At each place is the service plate. To the right are one 
or two steel-bladed knives and the silver fish knife. At the 




Table Setting and Service 


111 


right of the knives are the silver soup spoon and an oyster 
fork or orange spoon if raw oysters or grapefruit be served. 
To the left of the plate lie the forks and beyond the forks 
lies the plainly folded napkin. 

Forks lie with tines up, spoons with bowl up, and knives 
with the cutting edge of the blade towards the plate. Extra 
silver for dessert and coffee is served with the respective 
courses; salad forks may be on the table or brought when the 
salad is served. 

As butter is never served at a formal dinner, bread and 
butter plates and butter-spreaders do not appear at the din¬ 
ner table. At a luncheon or informal home meal the plate 
with spreader upon it may be placed a little to the right of 
the tops of the forks. Slightly to the right of the tips of 
the knives the glasses are grouped. Besides the water glass, 
those who have pre-war stocks may still serve wines, and 
others frequently provide white grape juice with ginger ale 
or highly charged water to make it sparkle. 

If individual nut cups are used, place them to the left 
of the glasses. The napkin is put on the lap, half-opened; 
when the meal is over it is roughly folded or slightly crushed 
and laid at the left of the plate, but the napkin should neither 
be folded as if it were to be used again nor be thrown 
sprawlingly on the table. 

The place card at dinner is a plain, small card about 2 by 
3 inches in size, plain or decorated with the monogram or 
crest of the hostess and with the name of the guest written 
legibly on it. It is placed to the left of the glasses or 
above the top of the napkin. Menus are seldom seen any 
more on a private table, but one may be provided for the 
host or one placed between each two guests if desired. 

The plates for salad and dessert, extra silver, finger bowls 
half-filled, each resting on a small plate (preferably of glass 





112 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


to match the bowl) with a doily between, a carafe or slender 
pitcher of iced water and dishes of bread or rolls, may all 
be on the side-table or in the pantry, as may be convenient. 
The coffee service, on its tray, should be kept in the pantry, 
the hot coffee being put on just before it is served. 

When the guests are all seated, the canapes or hors 
d’ceuvres are served. These may be little rounds of toast 
with caviar, anchovy paste or other savory on them, or raw 
oysters, chilled grapefruit (with pulp cut loose from the 
dividing sections) or a fruit cocktail. This is served on a 
smaller separate plate that is placed on the service plate. 
Guests may help themselves from a large platter if the toast 
and savory is served, or there may be individual service. 
Water is either served before guests are in the room or 
immediately after this first course is served. 

When a waitress places a dish for a guest she should 
do it from the right, but when the guest must help himself 
from a large dish, this is offered on his left so that he may 
use his right hand freely. 

In many households the hostess is served first and then 
on around to the right. After several courses, if there is 
but one maid serving, service may begin with the lady on 
the right of the host. When more than one serve, one maid 
begins with the hostess, another with the lady at the host’s 
right. Service is in direct order, and gentlemen are not 
left until ladies are all served. 

No bread is served with canapes, but small salted crackers 
are usually offered with raw oysters. When the waitresses 
note that all have finished, the plate used for the first course 
is removed from the guest’s right, leaving the service plate. 
Guests should leave used silver on the plate to be removed 
after each course. The soup is brought in individual soup 
plates and set down from the right of each guest. 




Table Setting and Service 


113 


Dishes are never piled, but a waitress takes a dish in each 
hand and removes it. The only plates that should be brought 
into the dining-room, one in each hand, are those for hors 
d’ceuvres, soup and dessert. Also, two vegetable dishes are 
brought when guests serve themselves. 

While soup is being served from the right, another waitress 
may offer the bread and a dish of olives and celery at the 
left of each guest so he may help himself. Bread is placed 
on the tablecloth, but celery and olives are laid on the side 
of the service plate. Salt is placed on the side of one’s 
plate, using the small salt spoon that is on the salt cellar. 
A bit of food may be dipped in the salt on the plate before 
being eaten, but salt is not sprinkled on food. 

With the soup plate is taken the service plate. Fish is 
either served individually or the individual warm plates placed 
from the right and a platter of fish offered at the guest’s 
left. Sauteed potatoes and sliced cucumbers are usually 
served with the fish course. If an entree is served (cro¬ 
quettes, mushrooms on toast or similar dish) the individual 
service is placed with one hand as soon as the soiled fish 
plate has been taken with the other. 

After this comes the roast course: lamb, mutton or poul¬ 
try, since roast beef is not considered a meat for a formal 
dinner. The service plate is not used during this course, 
the meat being brought in on individual warmed plates; the 
vegetables in vegetable dishes are next passed with serving- 
spoons ready in the dishes. One waitress may carry two 
dishes, offering first one and then the other at the left 
of each guest. If he does not care for a vegetable, he says, 
“No, thank you,” in a low tone, but he does not refuse 
to have any individual dish set before him, though he may 
not care to do more than taste the food. Most people prefer 

taking what is offered and going through the motions of eat- 

8 




114 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


ing, even though they barely taste a course, rather than 
seem critical. Individual vegetable dishes are no longer 
used, vegetables for a dinner being cooked dry enough to 
serve on the meat plates. 

Bread and water are passed from time to time, and while 
no guest asks for more of anything else, he may ask the 
waitress to refill his glass or give him bread. Servants 
are expected to remove all soiled silver and supply extra 
knives and forks when guests need them. If a piece of silver 
is dropped, let it lie for servants to pick up and do not try 
to reach it yourself. 

A glass is never turned down nor a hand laid over it to 
keep it from being filled. If the servant fills it, let it stand, 
or, if in time, say, “No, thank you,” quietly, to stop him. 

After the meat course has been removed, the salad is 
served, usually on individual plates, although the plates and 
forks may be placed from the right while another servant 
offers the bowl at the left for each guest to help himself. 
Salted crackers or thin slices of rye toast may be served with 
the salad course. 

When salad plates have been removed, all extra silver, 
salts and peppers are taken off, bread and rolls are removed 
on a plate and crumbs brushed off each place with a folded 
napkin into either a silver tray or a plate, the waitress doing 
this from the left of each guest. 

A dessert plate is next placed before each guest with the 
dessert silver laid next it. On the dessert plate is a small 
doily on which rests the finger-bowl, barely half filled with 
tepid water. On the water may float a few rose petals, 
violets or a fragrant geranium leaf. The guest removes 
the finger-bowl, keeping the doily under it, to his left. 
Sometimes a glass plate matching the bowl is under the 
doily and is used for dessert. In that case there is a china 




Table Setting and Service 


115 


fruit plate beneath the glass plate, and when the latter is 
removed, fruit and bonbons are served. If no fruit is served, 
bonbons may be passed when ice and cake have been served. 
Ice cream or some other frozen sweet is the usual dessert, 
although at present ice cream is not in favor in some of 
the larger cities. In another year it may again be popular. 

Coffee is usually served the gentlemen in the dining-room 
and to the ladies in the drawing-room at a formal dinner; 
at an informal one the same method may be followed or all 
may have coffee together at table. The small coffee spoon 
lies on each saucer and may be used to stir in sugar, but 
should not be allowed to remain in the cup, and after the 
first taste with a spoon, the coffee is sipped from the cup. 

Gentlemen sample the host’s cigars before taking their 
own, and ladies, if offered cigarettes, either accept or say, 
“No, thank you,” but keep their opinions to themselves if 
they do not approve the custom. 




Chapter XIV 

MANNERS AT THE TABLE 


G OOD manners at table should be taught children from 
earliest youth. As soon as they are old enough to 
come to table for meals they are old enough to learn, by 
precept and example, what are good manners and what 
is objectionable. But many adults who have not had the 
good fortune to learn in youth gradually find what is cor¬ 
rect by watching others, or by reading on the subject. For 
anyone in doubt, the following suggestions may be of service. 

Some Dos and Don’ts 

Grace is seldom asked at a formal dinner unless some 
dignitary of the church is present and he is requested to 
bless the food. But at any meal where all sit down to¬ 
gether a guest who does not know the family customs 
will do well to wait until others begin eating lest he trans¬ 
gress by eating before grace is said. 

Hands should be kept in one’s lap when not occupied, and 
elbows do not belong on the table, nor is table silver to be 
waved about to emphasize some point in conversation. Keep 
elbows as close as possible to the sides and do not eat with 
them wide outspread. Two feet is the usual space allowed 
for each individual “cover,” but if chairs are closer guests 
must be careful not to encroach upon their neighbors. 

Conversation is never limited to the person on one side, 
but from time to time the guest on one’s other side must 
be conversed with. 

The knife is held in the right hand and used for cutting 
and never for conveying food to the mouth. The fork is 
used in the right hand when conveying food to the mouth 

116 


Manners at the Table 


117 


and in the left hand when holding food that is being cut by 
the knife. The fork should be passed back to the right 
hand before conveying food with it, and only one bit is 
cut and eaten at a time. Only invalids and very small 
children, who have their food cut for them, have more 
than one bit cut off at a time. The fork is turned in 
raising it so that the tines are uppermost, and the fork is 
always held in the fingers and not in the fist after one 
passes babyhood. Nor is more than one sort of food taken 
on the fork at once. 

Nearly every article of solid and semi-solid food is eaten 
with a fork, including stewed tomatoes, peas and many 
desserts. But light puddings, custards, soft boiled eggs and 
gelatines are eaten with a spoon, excepting an aspic salad, 
since the meat or fruit in the aspic makes the use of a 
fork possible. A spoon is used for frozen desserts unless an 
ice-cream fork, with its broad tines, is provided. 

Lettuce, romaine, chicory and other leafy salads are not 
cut with a knife, but may be cut with the side of the 
fork and bits folded over and eaten. The salad fork has a 
cutting edge on the side 

Neither fork nor spoon should be pointed towards the 
mouth, but raised at an angle so that food is taken from 
the forward part of the side. 

The spoon should be moved away from one in the soup 
plate, not towards one, and the soup should be eaten from 
the side of the spoon. After a few spoonfuls from a bouillon 
cup (used at luncheons, not at formal dinners) the spoon 
may be laid on the saucer and the remainder of the soup 
drunk from the cup. A spoon is never left in a cup, but 
is laid on the saucer as soon as a beverage has been sweetened 
and tasted. The spoon is laid on the plate and not left in a 
stemmed glass in which fruit or ice has been served. 






118 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


A steel knife is never used for fish. If no silver knife is 
provided, a bit of bread and a fork make possible the eat¬ 
ing of fish without the use of any knife, but the bit of 
bread as a “pusher” is not used by an adult under any 
other circumstances. 

When passing a plate back for a second helping at an 
informal meal (nobody is served a second time at a formal 
dinner) the knife and fork should be laid on the plate a 
little to one side, the knife with the blade turned inward 
and the fork with tines up. Also, when eating, if the knife 
is not in use, put it on the side of the plate and not. on the 
cloth. When through with a course, lay the used silver on 
the plate. 

Finger-bowls are always served with fruit that one eats 
in the fingers and also with grapefruit, even though that be 
eaten with a spoon from the rind. 

Bread, crackers, celery, olives, radishes, salted nuts, crys¬ 
tallized fruits, candies, cakes with hard icings, and also 
most raw fruits, are eaten from the fingers. Corn on 
the cob should be served only at family meals, since, at best, 
it can be eaten none too daintily. The flesh is bitten off an 
olive, but the stone is not put in the mouth. Poultry and 
meat bones are never taken in the fingers, but as much as 
can conveniently be cut off is taken, bit by bit. 

Many people take asparagus in the fingers, but it is now 
customary to cut off the soft tips and let the stringy part of 
the stalk go uneaten, many hostesses serving only the edible 
part of the tip. Artichokes are served whole, and a leaf 
at a time is taken off in the fingers, dipped in a small indi¬ 
vidual dish of sauce, usually a warm French dressing, and 
the soft part near the base bitten off. 

Cheese may be cut into small bits, placed on bread, toast 
or cracker, and lifted to the mouth that way. 




Manners at the Table 


119 


Do not butter a whole slice of bread or roll at once and 
do not take a bite from a large piece, but break off a bit 
at a time and butter and eat it before breaking off more. 
When a bread-and-butter plate is used the bread should be 
kept on it. 

Don’t try to get the last bit of food if it is difficult to 
pick up. Chasing food around a plate with a fork is awk¬ 
ward, to put it mildly. And when one is in doubt whether 
something on a plate is edible or a decoration, it is safe to 
assume that if there are several alike they are food, but that 
one or two may be meant as decoration. 

Do not eat rapidly enough to seem in a hurry or greedy 
and take small quantities at a time. On the other hand, 
do not dally with food and keep others waiting, especially 
at a dinner. 

If a mouthful of food be taken that is too hot or tainted, 
the napkin should be used to remove it, but if one tastes 
food that he merely does not like, he should swallow the 
mouthful and take no more. 

In eating fruit with seeds or pits, such as cherries, grapes 
or plums, the seeds or pits are removed from the mouth 
with the fingers (usually between the thumb and second 
joint of the forefinger, so that the hand shields the mouth) 
and the stone laid on the plate. Peaches are quartered 
and peeled, the pits being taken out and the fruit cut in 
small bits as eaten; apples and pears are handled in the 
same manner, although peeling is not necessary if one hap¬ 
pens to like the skin. But never spit out seeds, pit or skin 
of any fruit. Remove it as unobtrusively as possible and 
lay it on your plate. 

A second helping is asked for only of bread or water, and 
these only of a servant at a formal meal. If a hostess offers 
more food a guest may accept or decline as he chooses, but 




120 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


good taste would dictate a refusal if all others seem to 
have finished. 

No comment is made on food at a formal meal, but at a 
family dinner a guest may, on being offered more, say that 
it is particularly good or make some other complimentary 
comment. 

The courteous hostess takes a bit of bread or other food 
and keeps on eating until guests finish, so they may not 
be embarrassed by finding they have kept the company 
waiting. 

In using a finger-bowl the tips of the fingers of one hand 
are dipped in and then the other hand, but never beyond the 
tips. The wet fingers may be brushed across the mouth 
before using the napkin. 

At a hotel or at a formal meal a napkin is not folded, but 
when one is a house guest it is safe to assume that fresh 
napkins are provided at dinner but that these may be used 
again until next dinner time. In small households, where 
economy is necessary, napkins may be used two or even 
three days, and guests should fold their napkins when in 
doubt as to family customs. 

At an informal meal, when carving is done on the table, 
guests may pass plates when no servants are present, but 
if there is somebody to wait on table guests pass dishes only 
if asked to do so. 

A guest never piles his dishes nor brushes up crumbs. If 
he drops some food on the cloth, he may lift it on his knife 
and leave it on the side of his plate, but if he drops it on 
the floor he ignores the accident unless it is something that 
will spread or stain, in which case he gets the attention of a 
servant who takes care of the matter. Silver is allowed to 
lie if it falls, except in a servantless house, when the guest 




Manners at the Table 


121 


picks it up, either at the time or afterwards, and lets it lie 
unused, by his plate. 

If wine or a substitute is served and no servants are pres¬ 
ent, the host pours for the guest of honor and then passes 
the bottle to the next gentleman, who serves the lady next 
him and then himself and passes the bottle on to the next 
gentleman, the host being the last person served. 






Chapter XV 

SMALL DANCES AND BALLS 

T HE ball, as a private social function, has passed beyond 
social ken, although it still flourishes as a public enter¬ 
tainment, especially when given as a benefit for some charity. 
Just as the most formal meal is now called a “dinner, so 
the most elaborately planned dance is known as a “dance” 
or a “small dance,” or an “At Home” (both words capital¬ 
ized, with “dancing” down in one corner as if written in 
as an afterthought). The nearest approach to the old form 
is when a hostess invites to a costume party and uses the 
words “bal poudre.” 

Another old-time favorite, the cotillion, has also passed 
from popularity. Perhaps this is due, in part, to the more 
and more elaborate favors provided by the hostess and the 
more intricate figures introduced by the cotillion leaders, 
but, in any event, this picturesque dance is of the past. 

We hear much complaint against the present style of 
ballroom dancing, but matrons of today may remember when 
their elders made the same plaint against the tango and 
declared that “partners did not keep proper distance, sat 
out dances in the conservatory, and that men lingered over- 
long in the smoking-room.” And our grandmothers were 
scolded for dancing the waltz, and books on society of the 
’ 40 ’s bemoan that highly improper dance, the polka, being 
introduced by a Polish nobleman in New York. So one 
is led to conclude that good manners and bad were in 
evidence in the ballroom for generations past and that 
more depends on the good manners of the individual dancers 
than on any particular form of dance. 

122 


Small Dances and Balls 


123 


Invitations 

Whether a hostess entertain at home or at a private club 
or hotel, the invitations are for a “dance.” For the larger 
dance the form may be the “utility” one (see page 63 ) with 
the word “Dancing” written in the lower left-hand corner 
and “R. s. v. p.” to the right, just above the address, if the 
reply is to be sent to a different place from that where the 
dance is given. 

A specially prepared form, with only the name written in, 
would read: 

Mr. and Mrs. Vandemark 
request the pleasure of 
Mr. Donald Gordon’s 
company at a dance 

on Tuesday, the twenty-fourth of March 
at ten o’clock 
at the Arlington Club 

Dancing 

R. s. v. p. 

Twenty-five hundred Iowa Avenue 

If the dance is being given to introduce a daughter or other 
relative, the lines under Mr. Gordon’s name would read: 

company at a dance 
in honor of 

Miss Gertrude Vandemark 

followed by date and place. There might also be the 
words “their daughter” after “in honor of,” and the young 
lady’s first name might be omitted if she is the eldest 
daughter. 

The preferred form for issuing invitations to a dance given 
by a widow would read: 




124 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


Mrs. William Wallace Gregory 
At Home 

On Tuesday evening, the third of March 
At ten o’clock 

One hundred and six Rush Street 

Dancing 

If Mrs. Gregory is the head of a family she may have 
the first line of the above invitation read merely: Mrs. 
Gregory. She may also prefer having the word “Dancing” 
appear to the right and “The favor of a reply is requested” 
in the lower left-hand corner. This form is popular and 
may be used by married persons—Mr. and Mrs. Vandemark, 
for instance—quite as well as by Mrs. Gregory. 

Sometimes an “At Home” card omits the word “Dancing” 
altogether, but the hour is sufficient indication to the 
recipient, and whether a reply is asked or not, one should 
be sent promptly and follow the exact form of the invita¬ 
tion. Even if the invitation be sent on a visiting card the 
response is in formal style and third person: 

Mr. Donald Gordon 
accepts with pleasure 
Mr. and Mrs. Vandemark’s 
invitation for 

Tuesday evening, the twenty-fourth of March 
at ten o’clock 

The hostess may invite some older folk, but most of 
those invited to a dance are the younger group: debutantes, 
the younger group of men and the young married set. A 
hostess may, with propriety, ask the younger people and not 
their parents, since the presumption is that the former 
will be the ones to whom such entertainment appeals, but 




Small Dances and Balls 


125 


she must not ask the young men of the family and omit 
the unmarried sisters if they live at home and belong to 
the same social group. 

If the dance is for a debutante and the mother has not 
been going about socially she may ask intimate friends to 
help make up her list, since this dance establishes a basis 
for the social group in which her daughter will move. Fre¬ 
quently the girl herself has her school friends as well as 
the sons and daughters of her mother’s old friends to use 
as the nucleus of the group. 

Comparatively few persons have houses in which a large 
dance may be given satisfactorily, so that a place is usually 
rented in some local hotel or club. But always a private 
ball is a “dance,” “small dance” or “At Home.” 

For a small, informal dance, a hostess may issue invita¬ 
tions on her visiting card (see page 66). 

Dance Management 

Ten o’clock is the usual hour named, but in some com¬ 
munities an hour earlier is preferred, while in New York 
the hour mentioned may be as late as eleven. Guests need 
not appear promptly, and frequently those invited are at a 
dinner or the theater and reach the dance shortly before 
midnight. This is expected in a large city, but in smaller 
communities guests should adhere to local custom, which 
usually expects attendance within an hour of the time named. 

An awning and carpet from carriage entrance to the 
front door should be provided, especially on a wet or wintry 
night. These, together with extra folding chairs and the 
employees to open carriage doors and serve in coat-room and 
the dining-room, usually may be hired from a local caterer. 
Long racks for hanging wraps can also be rented, and it is 
best to give coat checks when many are invited. Check- 




126 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


room attendants may be tipped at a hotel or public hall, 
but never in a private house. 

Decorations may be as simple or as elaborate as the hostess 
desires. A few palms in the corners and a few loosely 
arranged bouquets in the dining-room will be all-sufficient, 
but, cn the other hand, the decorations may transform the 
rooms into a veritable tropic garden of blooms. 

At a large dance two orchestras are frequently employed 
to avoid intermissions, or a piano and violin or saxophone 
alternate with the orchestra. 

Many hostesses provide bridge tables in one of the 
smaller rooms for the older folk who do not care to dance. 
While people may accept an invitation to a dance although 
they are not dancers, no young girl cares to go unless she 
can dance, and no young man should accept the invitation and 
then treat the affair as a private smoker. When a gentle¬ 
man accepts an invitation he accepts also an obligation of 
courtesy to his hosts and their guests. In some cities, notably 
Baltimore, the hostess at a large dance asks certain young 
men to help her in seeing that the young women present 
have dance partners and that the dance progresses smoothly. 
While such procedure keeps the selected young men from 
choosing those they wish for partners, it makes the affair 
as a whole more successful, and the end of the evening 
usually sees the assistants to the hostess enjoying dances 
that were saved for them. 

One young man confessed that he always counts three 
dances as being at the disposal of his hostess, after which 
he goes forth to enjoy the remainder of the evening as he 
chooses. Not a bad rule, for if every man present gave 
three dances to those who had limited acquaintance the result 
would practically remove the wallflower from dances. 

The hostess receives near the entrance to the ballroom, 




Small Dances and Balls 


127 


usually at the head of the stairway leading to the room, 
in a hotel, or just at the entrance of the room in her home. 
A debutante daughter or other young woman for whom 
the dance is given receives with the hostess until supper 
time or midnight, hut the host is free to wander about 
looking after the comfort of his guests. At a large party 
a man servant asks names and announces guests as they 
enter and shake hands with the hostess and her daughter. 

The debutante must dance with as many as possible and 
not confine herself to any small group, and a gentleman is 
under obligation to ask a dance from the daughters or 
protegees of his hostess. 

A sensible habit of gathering in small groups has grown 
of late, and a young man who dances with a girl takes her 
back to her group afterwards and has no awkwardness in 
leaving her when he seeks his next partner. If a young 
girl belongs to no such group she may suggest that her 
partner leave her with one of the chaperons who are present 
to serve in just such an emergency and save young girls 
being left to sit alone. While a gentleman tries to see that 
a lady is with friends or claimed by her next partner before 
he leaves her, if the music for the next dance begins and 
she does not know how to help make things easy for him 
and her next dance is not taken, he may say, “I’m sorry, I 
have this next dance taken and my partner will be waiting. 
Is there some place you would like to sit?” or “Will you be 
comfortable over here? I’d like to stay, but I have the next 
dance taken and my partner will be waiting.” 

But only a very inexperienced girl would put a partner in 
a position where he would have to excuse himself. She 
usually suggests, after the intermission is partly over, that 
they join some group or a chaperon, or, if she fears she 
will have to sit out the next dance, she goes to the cloak- 




128 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


room until it is nearly over. A man delayed in reaching a 
partner is profuse in apologies, and a lady should make 
allowance for unavoidable delays. If a gentleman has to 
leave the dance unexpectedly he tries to seek out all part¬ 
ners with whom he still has dances and explains, and, if 
possible, gets others to fill in for him. 

A gentleman in asking for a dance says, “May I have the 
pleasure?” or “Will you dance this with me?” or, if she 
has a number of dances engaged ahead, “Have you a dance 
to spare for me?” and the girl may give him a dance or 
regret that she has no more to give. But she may not 
refuse a dance and then give it to someone else. If she 
refuses she must sit out that dance unless, of course, the 
refusal was because the dance was already promised. 

A lady may suggest stopping at any time, but a gentle¬ 
man may not ask to sit out the remainder of a dance unless 
he is actually ill and would dance no more that evening. A 
lady never thanks a gentleman for a dance, as the favor 
is supposed to be bestowed by her, but she may remark that 
she enjoyed the dance. The man must always say “Thank 
you,” or express appreciation at the conclusion of a dance. 

Dance cards are now seldom used, and with the present 
method of “cutting in” no man is sure he will get all of a 
promised dance. But after the one who has cut in has 
had a turn about the room, the original partner can him¬ 
self cut in and reclaim his partner. Many girls dislike 
the custom, and it makes virtually impossible the refusal 
of a would-be partner. No man should cut in unless he is 
reasonably sure the lady is willing to dance with him, and 
a stranger never cuts in with ladies he has not met. 

No man should ask a girl to dance until he has been 
properly presented to her, and usually the host will be glad 
to introduce dancing men to ladies they wish to meet. The 




Small Dances and Balls 


129 


presumption at a private dance is that any guest is a proper 
person to introduce to any other guest, but if there is any 
doubt, a lady’s permission may be asked privately before 
a gentleman is presented. 

A group goes in to supper together, but the hostess should 
see that no young women are left without partners, calling 
either the men of her own family or some intimate friends 
to escort women who have nobody to take them to supper. 
In communities where a young man may take a young lady 
to a dance, he is supposed to take the first and last dances 
with her and be her supper-partner, and it is the lady’s 
prerogative to say when they shall go home. 

In most large cities and some smaller ones young girls 
bring a maid along who stays in the dressing-room during 
the dance, and sometimes several girls join in having one 
maid to go to and from the dance with the group. But in 
most smaller towns, and also the farther west one goes, 
custom usually allows young women to permit young men 
known to their families to take them to and from a dance, 
especially if several couples go together. But while this 
may be common and accepted practice, those who adhere 
rigidly to correct form do not permit a young girl to go 
unchaperoned in the evening. 

Guests say good-night to the hostess and that they have 
had a pleasant evening, or that it was good of her to invite 
them. Especially the man whose invitation has been asked 
for by a friend must be punctilious in saying good-night 
and that it was very kind to permit Mr. Blank to bring 
him along. A guest may ask for an invitation of this sort 
for a house-guest, but this is seldom done except for a 
gentleman or a girl who is sure to be very popular, since 
the hostess generally can use extra men but has more 
girls on her list than she can take care of. 





130 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


Calls After a Dance 

Usually a young man’s sister or mother leaves his cards 
with hers when calling on the hostess after a dance, but in 
big cities most men have dropped the custom of paying 
formal calls after accepting an invitation, although a call 
should be made if it was the first invitation from a hostess. 
The young man calls or pays some attention to the debutante 
or other protegee for whom the dance was given, doing this 
individually or as one of the hosts in a group invitation 
that includes the ball’s honor guest. 

Subscription and Public Dances 

At tea dances and summer hotel dances young people 
usually go in groups with a chaperon and keep to their 
own set in dancing, except when they meet other friends 
or when the young men introduce dancing men with whom 
they are acquainted. Sometimes a mother will invite a 
group of several young men and girls to take tea at a hotel 
and dance, this being especially popular for the young folks 
home on holiday vacations from school and college. If 
acquaintances ask for dances these may be granted, but a 
young girl is always justified in refusing to dance with a 
stranger who is not introduced, saying frankly that she is 
sorry but dances only with those of her own group. 

Subscription dances are organized under direction of mar¬ 
ried women of social prominence, the names of those to 
be invited being submitted to a committee and approved 
before invitations are issued. This committee rejects names 
of persons who would not fit in socially (though they may 
be eminently respectable citizens) and also avoids repetition 
of names by various patronesses. The subscriptions of 
patronesses give them the right to two or more invitations 
to send to friends. 




Small Dances and Balls 


131 


At a subscription ball guests bow to the patronesses who 
receive, but do not shake hands nor need they do formal 
leave-taking. 

During the holidays there are usually dances ostensibly 
given by members of a junior group, such as the Junior 
Assemblies, but while the membership fees are supposedly 
given by the members, the mothers of the girls really pay 
for them and act as patronesses, giving the dances for their 
daughters who are not yet debutantes. 

Dance clubs and supper clubs, popular among the younger 
married sets, usually meet at hotels for dancing and supper 
after the theater, and the membership dues cover expenses, 
any surplus being given to charity. 

The bachelor dance is given like any other except that the 
young men make all arrangements, bear all expenses, make 
the lists of those invited and then ask a certain number 
of married women to act as reception committee and hostesses 
at the dance, the list of these often being printed on the 
reverse or a flap of the invitation. As at any bachelor enter¬ 
tainment, there are no “party calls” to be made afterwards, 
and the dance is frequently given as a means of returning 
courtesies previously extended the hosts of this occasion. 

At a school dance or one given by any sorority or fraternity 
group, a chaperon is required, and most schools and colleges 
have definite regulations concerning hours as well as escorting 
the young girls to and from the dances. 

The dance given for charitable purposes is called a ball, 
and lists are a little less exclusive than at the private or sub¬ 
scription dance. The patronesses may be selected from the 
most exclusive circles, and a number of gentlemen are detailed 
to keep supervision of the floor and see that all runs smoothly. 
But at a public dance patronesses and the gentlemen in charge 
are not responsible for seeing that ladies outside their own 




132 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


immediate party have partners or are taken in to supper. If 
tickets are enclosed these must either be returned promptly 
or paid for. A ticket admits one couple. 

The Junior League 
requests the pleasure of your company 
at a Ball 

to be held in the Northcote Clubhouse 
on the evening of December the ninth 
at ten o’clock 
for the benefit of 
The Infant Welfare Society 

Tickets five dollars 

Supper 

Supper at either private or public dance begins shortly after 
midnight, and, where there is room, is served at small tables, 
guests coming and going as they please and service lasting 
several hours. Foods that keep for a time should be 
chosen, such as bouillon, creamed oysters, lobster Newburg, 
croquettes and patties, salads, ices and cakes. The menu 
should be limited: one meat, salad, frozen dessert and cake 
being sufficient variety. Coffee should be plentiful and 
freshly made from time to time, while a fruit punch may be 
served in a room more convenient for the dancers than is the 
supper-room. Where space is limited, a buffet supper may 
be served, guests standing round or seated in little groups to 
one side of the supper-room, helping themselves to some foods 
while waiters serve the coffee and ices, or all the food may be 
served, guests coming and going a few at a time. 

If a dance continues until dawn, early breakfast of coffee, 
ham and eggs or sci ambled eggs, bacon and rolls may be 
served before guests leave. Guests, on arriving, generally 
order their carriages to return at a given hour. 




Chapter XVI 


THE HOSTESS, THE GUEST AND 
HOSPITALITY 


C OMPARATIVELY few hostesses have a retinue of 
servants and numerous motor cars to put at the disposal 
of guests, but the woman with a true sense of hospitality 
may be as charming and efficient a hostess as one with un¬ 
limited means. A woman with all means at her command 
may make a poor hostess while one who can offer little but 
her plain home and the company of a small group of friends 
may be one whose hospitality is highly prized. 

Elaborate entertainment of guests is not necessary, but the 
hostess whose means are limited may tactfully intimate as 
much in issuing her invitation to friends who are used to 
more service than she can provide. “You know we live sim¬ 
ply, but we would love to have you if you can be comfortable 
without your private bath and without your maid, for we 
have, unfortunately, no room to give her.” The explanation 
once made, the guest accepts or finds reason for regretting 
that she cannot accept, but the matter of different standards 
of living is accepted and ignored after that explanation. 

When inviting a guest to one’s home, whether the invita¬ 
tion be given personally, by telephone or written, the exact 
dates should be mentioned, and in accepting the guest repeats 
these dates so that no misunderstanding may arise. 


Dear Mrs. Westgate: 

The apple blossoms are in bud and by next week will be in 
bloom. Won’t you and Mr. Westgate come out and enjoy them 
with us on Friday the fourth and stay over the week-end? 
There is a good train from Union Station at 5:12 p. m. and 
either Tom or I will be down to meet you at the station here. 

133 


134 Standard Book of Etiquette 

Bring old clothes for tramping if you enjoy the woods, for ours 
are real country paths and hard on boots and skirts. 

I do so hope you can come to enjoy these few days of spring 
with us. Sincerely, 

Doris Allen. 

And the answer would read: 

Dear Mrs. Allen: 

Martin and I are counting the days until we see those apple 
blossoms—and you. We will come on the 5:12 p. m. train on 
Friday the fourth and are looking forward to our week-end 
with you. Very sincerely, 

Ellen Westgate. 

or: 


Dear Mrs. Allen: 

It would have been such a joy to spend the week-end with 
you that I am terribly disappointed that we cannot come. The 
children are both taking part in a concert on Sunday, and natu¬ 
rally, both Martin and I must appear as part of the small group 
of admiring parents. And I do so love apple-blossom time! 

Martin is as disappointed as I and joins me in thanks and 
regrets. Very sincerely, 

Ellen Westgate. 

When inviting a group of young folks for a short stay the 
hostess frequently uses the telephone, but it is safer to con¬ 
firm all telephone invitations by a note (“We are expecting 
you on such-and-such a date,” etc.) needing no reply except 
in case of misunderstanding. 

If several members of one family are invited, one daughter 
may be included in the invitation with the parents, but if 
several daughters or any grown sons are asked, it is proper 
to ask them separately and they should reply separately. 

If an invitation is for ten days or two weeks, state the fact 
when issuing the invitation, so that guests may prepare ac¬ 
cordingly. Nor is it necessary to urge a guest to overstay 




Hostess, Guest and Hospitality 


135 


his time. A few words about how pleasant it has been to 
have him with you, and possibly a hope that he will repeat 
the visit some time, is all that courtesy demands, and the 
guest who overstays his time commits a serious breach of 
etiquette. Even if a perfunctory remark is made about wish¬ 
ing him to remain longer, he must not do so. Only the most 
sincere and hearty urging may make him change his plans, 
and that is seldom forthcoming, unless special conditions 
bring it about. 

A week-end is from Saturday after luncheon (unless Fri¬ 
day is specifically mentioned) and is over before luncheon on 
Monday, a guest leaving shortly after breakfast unless train 
schedules or morning engagements modify this; but no guest 
should, of himself, make a Monday morning engagement that 
keeps him until luncheon time. 

The Hostess 

The good hostess is present when guests arrive and sees 
to it that they are met at the station and their luggage 
attended to, and while the guest may insist on paying an 
expressman who brings up his luggage, the hostess bears the 
expense of taxi or car if she has not her own motor to use. 
She may, especially in the country, have a car that will carry 
the luggage, and the guest then tips the man at the end of 
the visit. 

A considerate hostess sees that her guests go to their rooms 
at once on arrival if they have traveled any distance. She sees 
that they meet any other house guests; that they are informed 
of hours for meals and concerning any engagements she has 
made for them in advance. Any special wants are attended 
to, such as extra blankets, thermos bottle of drinking-water 
fresh each night, and such similar conveniences. 

She plans their time so that they have some hours to them- 





136 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


selves each day. In many households the guests are left to 
their own devices during the morning hours while the hostess 
attends to her household duties, and she is at their disposal for 
the remainder of the day, planning such amusement as she 
thinks will please them and giving them choice if she is not 
sure. The hostess who does not care to look after the com¬ 
fort and entertainment of her guests should not invite people 
to her house. 

The guest-room may be very simple, but should be made 
as comfortable as means allow. Private bath for each bed¬ 
chamber is provided in large establishments, but is obviously 
impossible in the average home, where members of the family, 
especially the children, should make way for the guest, espe¬ 
cially if no washing facilities are in the guest-room. The 
guest, on his part, should not infringe on the bath at hours 
when the men and children are hurrying to business and 
school. 

A candle and matches should be conveniently placed for 
emergency use; writing materials and, if possible, a desk 
should be in the room, while women appreciate a small sew¬ 
ing-basket with necessary equipment. Most women carry 
powder and other toilet requisites, but the hostess should 
have brush and comb, mirror, fresh soap and towels at hand 
for the guest. A few new magazines and a waste-paper 
basket are other conveniences often forgotten. 

It should not be necessary to say that the guest-room should 
have a comfortable bed and easy chairs, room left in closets, 
bureau drawers cleaned out and fresh lining paper put in, 
and all traces of former occupants removed, leaving a fresh, 
inviting room for the newcomer. 

Hours for meals should be definitely stated and guests 
be called at meal time, unless breakfast is brought to the 
room at a certain hour. 




Hostess, Guest and Hospitality 


137 


On arrival either a servant or, in a small menage, the 
hostess may show a guest her room and help unpack, the 
host taking the man guest if there are no servants. The 
guest gives trunk checks and keys to the servant who asks 
for them in a large household, and his luggage is brought 
and unpacked without his bothering about it. 

If the hostess has a personal maid, she loans her to guests 
who have not brought their own maids, while the valet serves 
gentlemen who have not brought their man along. Both 
ladies and gentlemen are safe to take their personal maid or 
valet along when visiting friends who have a large staff of 
servants, but when visiting the simple home courtesy would 
dictate leaving one’s personal attendant behind unless one 
knew there would be room. It is easy enough to say, “Better 
leave my man at home, hadn’t I ? Won’t really need him.” 
This leaves the host or hostess free to answer according to 
their ability to house the extra servant. 

The hostess usually tells strangers if there is boating or 
swimming, golf or rough country tramping, so they may come 
prepared, but guests always provide for such contingencies if 
possible and carry dinner dress unless specifically told that 
there will be no dress at dinner. 

The Guest 

Guests must conform to the customs in the house where 
they visit, coming promptly to meals, entertaining themselves 
when their hosts are busy, asking no extra service where 
servants are few and making no criticisms or suggestions if 
family matters are discussed or children corrected in their 
presence. If a gentleman comes down before breakfast hour 
he should go outdoors or find a room where he will not inter¬ 
fere with the work of servants cleaning the house for the 
day, and he always opens his bed to air and puts away cloth- 




138 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


ing and other possessions before leaving his room. Whether 
a lady guest is permitted to take care of her own room 
when the hostess does her own work, making the bed and 
dusting, depends on the hostess. If the guest thinks this 
distresses her hostess she will make as little work as possible 
and not try to help. 

A guest may read his mail at breakfast after asking per¬ 
mission to do so, but does not open letters until after 
luncheon or dinner is over. He must never take his host’s 
books, tennis rackets or other property without permission, 
and the guest who borrows a wrap and proceeds to use it 
throughout his stay shows great lack of consideration. He 
is supposed to bring suitable clothing for all occasions. 

A guest who does not own formal dinner clothes should 
hesitate to accept an invitation to a house where formality 
reigns unless expressly told there will not be formal dinner 
dress worn. 

Permission should be asked before long-distance or pay- 
station telephone messages are sent, and if possible the guest 
should find what the charges were and return the amount to 
the host or hostess. Medicines and doctor’s bills should be 
settled or arrangement made to have the bills forwarded to 
one’s home address. 

Guests must not entertain their friends without first gain¬ 
ing permission to have them call, nor must they accept invi¬ 
tations without first asking their hostess’ permission. Their 
friends should call on both hostess and guest and leave cards 
for both, and the invitation should be issued to both, even 
though the former is unknown to them. (See also page 48.) 

Tipping 

In some houses the hostess objects to tipping, as she has 
definite arrangements with her servants, but usually a lady 




Hostess, Guest and Hospitality 


139 


guest should tip the maid who takes care of the bedroom, 
the ladies’ maid, the waitress, the man who drives her to and 
from the station and any others who have rendered her 
direct personal service. The men guests usually send a gift 
of a couple of dollars to the cook or chef, putting it in an 
envelope and asking one of the other servants to deliver it, 
and they also tip the butler. These last two a lady need not 
fee unless she makes a very long stay. From one to two 
dollars each is a proper fee, depending on length of stay 
and amount of service received and also on the general scale 
of living in the house, a gentleman giving rather larger fees 
than a lady and a married woman more than would be 
expected of a young girl. The young girl might give less 
than a dollar to maid and waitress and nothing to the others. 
A guest who visits a house frequently sometimes gives larger 
tips occasionally and does not give every time he comes, or, 
where the hostess objects to tipping, he may give Christmas 
gifts to servants who have waited on him frequently. 

A note of appreciation for hospitality is always sent after 
one has been a house guest in a friend’s home. A telephone 
message or telegram of safe arrival may be sent if one’s 
hosts are anxious, but this does not take the place of the 
note which must be sent within a few days, unless one is a 
frequent visitor at the house. 

The House Party 

Invitations to a house party are usually sent a week or 
even two weeks in advance, but may be sent on short notice, 
by telephone, telegram or informal note. If telephoned, it 
is safer to follow by confirmatory note repeating the time, 
place and length of visit. The week-end party assembles Sat¬ 
urday afternoon (unless specifically invited for Friday) and 
guests leave Monday morning. The invitation to “come out 




140 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


some week-end this winter,” or similar indefinite invitation, 
means nothing, unless followed by an invitation for a specific 
date. 

In issuing a week-end invitation a hostess assumes that 
her guests will bring proper dinner dress. It is kind to sug¬ 
gest that there is boating, swimming, a good golf course, etc., 
when asking guests who do not know that part of the coun¬ 
try. If a hostess writes: “Mrs. Wintringham expects us 
to bring you to her dance next Friday night; the young folks 
do a great deal of swimming, and swimming parties seem to 
come at all hours,” or: “This is a rough camp and.we wear 
stout clothing, do not dress for dinner, and have to don extra 
sweaters after sundown,” the guest will come prepared, to 
the added comfort of herself and her hosts. 

If the invitation by telephone is confirmed by note the 
latter would read: 

Dear Mrs. Marton: 

This is to remind you that we are expecting you on the 

5:18, Friday the seventh, and will meet you at the station. 

Sincerely yours. 




Chapter XVII 


THE GENTLEMAN AS HOST AND AS GUEST 
HE bachelor of today frequently has his own house or 



A apartment where he can entertain guests. In rooms 
where he has only a kitchenette he can easily manage to give 
a tea, having a caterer send in cakes and sandwiches. In 
a larger establishment he may give formal dinners or enter¬ 
tain in any way he desires. But always, when young girls 
are to be invited, he first invites his mother, sister or some 
married woman to act as hostess, preferably choosing one old 
enough to add dignity to the position. 

His invitation usually mentions the fact that Mrs. Blank 
will be present; but even if he does not mention this, a 
young woman has the right to expect the presence of a chap¬ 
eron. Sometimes the hostess arranges to call for some of 
the younger women and take them with her, thus avoiding 
even the appearance of their going to a bachelor’s rooms un¬ 
chaperoned. Sometimes several young girls go together. 

The hostess must always arrive on time and stay until 
the last woman guest has left, after which the host usually 
takes her home. If some young girls are slow in leaving, 
the hostess may suggest that they go together, but under no 
circumstances does she allow them to outstay her. As hostess, 
she is expected to pour, if there is tea, sit in the place of honor 
at a dinner and altogether take the position she has been 
asked to fill. The host is at her command while she is serv¬ 
ing and must always thank her afterwards. Whether or not 
he sends her flowers is optional. 

If a bachelor is giving a party on board his yacht, in his 
camp or country home, the chaperon should be the wife of 
one of the men invited, if she is not a member of the host’s 


141 


142 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


own family. But in any event the hostess-chaperon should 
be a woman of mature years and one whose social standing 
and demeanor lend dignity to her position. 

A usual form of entertainment for a young man to give is 
to invite a small group to theater and dinner at a hotel. 
Here he procures tickets in advance, arranges his menu, se¬ 
lects his table and pays his bill beforehand or arranges to 
pay later, so that his guests see none of the business side of 
his entertainment. Some married lady present serves as 
hostess, sits at the head of the table, and, if the party goes 
on to the opera, has the seat of honor in the box. 

An artist who gives a studio tea invites a hostess-chaperon 
if unmarried women are to be present. At any tea or re¬ 
ception the host stands where guests can greet him, and he 
sees that all are introduced to the hostess, who does not re¬ 
ceive with him unless she is a member of his immediate 
family. In leave-taking guests speak to both, adding a word 
of appreciation for the pleasant,afternoon in saying good-by 
to the host. 

As a lady may not make a visit of acknowledgment when 
entertained by a bachelor, she takes occasion to refer to it 
later, saying how much she enjoyed herself. 

The bachelor with a country home is expected to show 
hospitality to neighbors who have extended hospitality to him, 
and he may entertain in any way he sees fit, provided always 
that chaperons are present when unmarried women have 
accepted his invitations. 

An invitation issued by a bachelor is written either on 
his card or as an informal note, the formal invitation being 
reserved for a hostess. A married man’s formal entertain¬ 
ing is done in the name of his wife or in their joint names. 

A note that would assure the invited guest that a chaperon 
will be present might read: 




Gentleman as Host and Guest 


143 


My dear Miss Alvord: 

Some of my friends are coming to have tea with me and 
see my new studio on Thursday afternoon, the seventh, at 
four o’clock, and I hope you will find time to be one of them. 

My mother, who will be in town, will be with us that after¬ 
noon. 

I do hope you will come. 

Sincerely yours, 

William Westcott. 

Some Bachelor Rules 

A gentleman raises his hat when he meets ladies he 
knows on the street; he takes his hat off if he stops to 
speak or if he meets them in an elevator. 

When he accompanies a lady he offers to carry any 
packages she may have, helps her on and off with her 
wraps, and looks after her pleasure and comfort. 

A gentleman is not supposed to associate with persons 
not fit for his friends to know, but if he is with such 
people he avoids seeing his friends, since his bowing would 
put friends in the position of choosing between cutting 
him or seeming to know persons to whom they object. 

A gentleman does not speak of his personal affairs to a 
chance acquaintance and he never discusses women of his 
acquaintance with other people. 

A young man encloses his personal card with flowers 
sent a woman friend. If they are sent to one who is ill, 
a line may be added; if sent after a funeral a few words 
may be written, such as “With sympathy.” 

A gentleman half rises and bows when a lady of his 
acquaintance bows in passing in a restaurant; if she comes 
to the table he rises and stands until she leaves or until she is 
seated. 

A gentleman precedes a lady in stepping out of a vehicle 
or a doorway; he follows in entering. 




144 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


A gentleman does not ask to call on a lady unless she has 
made some tentative suggestion that he will be welcome or, 
as is proper, has invited him to call. He leaves two cards 
when he first calls on a young lady, one of these being 
for her mother. 

A first call is made between three and five o’clock in 
the afternoon, or between eight and ten in the evening. In 
New York, callers seldom arrive before half past eight; in 
other cities they usually arrive before that time and seldom 
after nine o’clock. Twenty minutes to a half hour is the 
proper time for a first call. Later calls may be more in¬ 
formal and less limited in time, but a young man does not 
overstay the first time lest he lay the lady open to criticism 
for inviting men who have so little knowledge of the social 
amenities. 

No gentleman overstays the limits of a set invitation. 
When he pays a call and rises to go, he goes without linger¬ 
ing; when invited for a week-end he leaves after breakfast 
on Monday; he does not take a valet without being sure it 
will be convenient for a hostess whose house is small and 
means limited. 

Theoretically, a gentleman dresses for dinner, at home and 
abroad. Practically, most gentlemen in active business get 
home so late and so tired that they do not dress. Where 
there is sufficient service and leisure to permit more formality, 
gentlemen wear Tuxedo at home and full dress when enter¬ 
taining ladies and gentlemen or going out to dinner. 

Etiquette for a widower is the same as for a bachelor 
except that, if he marries again, he does not give a “bachelor” 
dinner. 

When a hostess entertains, the gentlemen of her family 
do their share in caring for the comfort and pleasure of 
their guests, talking to those who are alone, dancing with 




Gentleman as Host and Guest 


145 


ladies who have few partners and introducing those who 
will find each other interesting. 

Good manners are as great an asset in business as in 
social life, and many a man owes part of his success to his 
unfailing courtesy and consideration of those who work under 
his direction as well as to his business superiors. (See also 
Chapter 33.) 


10 




Chapter XVIII 

SPINSTERS AND CHAPERONS 
HE American 'child enjoys more independence of 



A thought and action than any other child in the civilized 
world, for the American mother finds it hard to deny her 
children anything. She might be kinder if she permitted 
them only the simplest amusements during childhood, since 
many of our young folk are already blase before they 
are out of school. They have gone about unchaperoned 
and are impatient of any form of restraint. Yet, if they 
but understood the fact, the right sort of chaperon makes 
for freedom of action rather than its curtailment and saves 
many an otherwise uncomfortable situation by her presence. 

That our young folks play about among themselves and 
have no patience with age or dignity is, in large measure, 
due to the indulgent American parent who gives every¬ 
thing and expects neither confidence nor courtesy in return. 
This is, perhaps, no worse than the old-time parent who 
exacted too much, but there should be a middle course that 
encourages good-fellowship among the various age groups, 
since age has something valuable to give, as well as to take, if 
youth but understood. 


The Debutante 


The girl who is popular pays visits to hostesses who have 
entertained her, writes notes of appreciation for courtesies 
and has a pleasant word for old and young. When a 
young man calls for the first time, he is presented to her 
mother or other members of her family, and while they 
do not stay in the room for any length of time, the young 
man gets a definite impression that he must be acceptable 
to her family if he is to stand well in her favor. 


146 


Spinsters and Chaperons 


147 


The girl who is popular in society is one who makes 
others feel at their ease. She may be a good talker; she 
must be a good listener. She knows how to enter grace¬ 
fully a room full of people; her manners are courteous to 
all and have a touch of deference for old folk; she has 
self-respect enough to make others respect her, and she 
has a sense of humor. She may powder—she probably does— 
but she does it in private. Very few girls with a place in 
conventional society lay on paint and powder as modern 
plays and motion pictures would have us believe. As a 
visiting Frenchman remarked after a walk along a popular 
thoroughfare filled with matinee crowds, “Quite pretty, these 
American girls. But where are your ladies ?” Asked what 
he meant, he replied: “ Ladies! Who dress quietly but well, 
who are low-voiced and would not think of painting their 
faces. Ladies , you know!” as if that one word explained his 
entire meaning—as, indeed, it did. 

A debutante in more exclusive social groups does not go 
to a dance with a gentleman nor does he see her home 
afterwards. She goes with her parents or some married 
woman friend or takes a maid. Sometimes several girls 
go together and share a maid. Someone in the family sits up 
and lets her in, as she is not supposed to have a key. In 
smaller cities, where strictest rules of chaperonage are 
ignored by all but the most conventional, custom permits 
the son of a family friend to take a young girl to a dance. 
He comes into the house and greets the family while the girl 
gets her wraps, and he sees her safely into the house on her 
return, although he does not come in himself. In communi¬ 
ties where young men are permitted to take young girls to 
a dance, several couples go together, and, if they have an au¬ 
tomobile, either two girls living near each other are taken 
home last or the brother of “the last girl” is with her. 




148 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


In some cities, Boston or New York, for instance, a 
debutante does not go to a theater alone with a gentleman 
nor may she take a meal with him in a restaurant. In 
some cities she may go to luncheon or dinner with him and 
to theater, but nowhere does she go to supper afterwards 
or to a roof-garden or cabaret unless properly chaperoned. 
An older girl has more liberty and in any city might go 
to luncheon with a man at a hotel or restaurant, but would 
not dine alone with him. 

Girls take luncheon or tea with men at country clubs, 
since the club is a place where friends gather and that 
serves as a species of chaperonage, but a man and young 
girl do not dine together except as part of a group. 

They may take country motor drives together, but any 
man worthy the name of gentleman will be careful where 
they stop, as a protection for the girl against those who 
see, and see with uncharitable eyes. When going to dinner 
or dance at some country inn, a chaperon should be taken 
for the same reason. 

A maid or chaperon accompanies a young girl on visits 
to doctor or dentist, sittings in an artist’s studio or lessons 
taken from a man. 

The debutante is usually approaching eighteen when she 
makes her bow to society, either at a tea dance, an “At 
Home” or a small tea with music. In any event, the younger 
set is asked in force and only a few of the mother’s friends 
are invited. The debutante dance is like any other except 
that she receives with her mother, meets all guests and 
must, after the supper hour releases her from receiving, dance 
with as many of her guests as possible. The mother intro¬ 
duces her daughter by her first name to older ladies and to 
some distinguished and elderly men, but to young men she 
simply says, “Mr. Gray—My daughter,” since she can say 




Spinsters and Chaperons 


149 


neither “Miss Allen,” as to a servant, nor suggest to him 
the over-familiarity of a first name. 

A young woman does not sanction the use of her first 
name by any men except those she knows well, nor does 
she call them by their first names. She neither gives nor 
accepts valuable presents from men, and even from her 
fiance she accepts nothing that might be considered a utility 
gift, such as clothing. A delicate scarf would be acceptable, 
but a fur coat should not be accepted. 

A motherless girl who is head of her father’s household 
would issue invitations to dinner, dances, etc., in her name 
and that of her father; if she is an orphan, the invitations 
are in the names of her chaperon and herself, and the 
chaperon takes the place of the hostess at table, receives 
with her charge, and they may, when the girl is a debutante, 
use a joint visiting card as a girl might do with her 
mother. 

Courtesy demands that a young girl thank the chaperon 
who accompanies her to any function and she never leaves 
without either saying good-by to her or calling on her later 
to express thanks for any particular courtesy. 

The Older Unmarried Woman 

A woman who has passed the early twenties may allow 
herself more freedom than does the debutante, but she 
must keep regard for the conventions if she is to retain her 
social position. She will not go to late suppers and dances 
with men unless as part of a group, and no woman, of any 
age, goes on a trip with a man that will keep them away 
overnight (a motor tour, for instance) unless a chaperon 
is along and other guests are in the party. 

While the young girl does not travel without a chaperon 
or maid when she is to be gone overnight, the older woman 




150 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


may go alone. She may have an apartment or house with 
friends, but is free to live alone. Whether she lives alone or 
with a woman companion, her letter-box or doorbell name¬ 
plate will give only her surname or her initials and surname, 
as it is the part neither of wisdom nor of good taste to 
advertise to strangers that women are living alone there. 
Only at the door of her business office would she display 
her full name. 

The business woman must ignore certain social conventions, 
but good taste will prevent her overstepping certain pro¬ 
prieties, and she will keep her business life separate from her 
social activities and be very careful how and when she allows 
her business associates to overstep the line. 

The Chaperon 

Many of the duties of the chaperon have been mentioned 
in discussing the debutante. The duty of the chaperon is to 
look after her charges, seeing that they have a good time with¬ 
out overstepping the bounds of good breeding, and keeping 
them from foolish “stunts” and enterprises that may create 
unpleasant publicity. Her presence when any accident oc¬ 
curs should be featured, to anticipate possible criticism from 
outsiders. She keeps sufficiently in the background and does 
not unduly usurp the attention of the younger men nor dance 
when her charges are left sitting, and she does not make 
herself the center of attraction to the disadvantage of the 
young girls in her party. 

The chaperon, whether she be the girl’s mother or a 
friend serving in that capacity, has the position of hostess, 
pouring at a tea, entering the dining-room last and with the 
most important dinner guest, comes into the room a few 
minutes when guests come to call for the first time, pays all 
ceremonious calls with her charge and may expect to be in- 




Spinsters and Chaperons 


151 


eluded in all invitations where a chaperon is needed, unless 
she knows that somebody else has been asked to chaperon a 
group. In fact, a young girl may take her chaperon uninvited 
to public balls and large dances and bachelor entertainments 
if she is not notified that chaperons have been asked. 

When serving as chaperon for an entertainment given by a 
bachelor the lady acts as hostess except that she does not 
stand at the door to receive. She sees that all other ladies 
leave before she does and expects the host to see her safely 
home afterwards. When a college man or a fraternity en¬ 
tertains, a chaperon is always present. 

While the chaperon has been discarded by certain groups 
she is still in demand by people of more exclusive and formal 
social groups and is still a very real and necessary person 
under certain conditions, 




Chapter XIX 

COURTSHIP AND ENGAGEMENTS 


D ESPITE certain outstanding exceptions, a young man 
usually prefers the girl who inspires courtesy and inter¬ 
est rather than the hail-fellow-well-met type who meets one 
more than half way, calls a man up by telephone frequently, 
offers the use of her motor and accepts invitations from men 
who have not troubled to call upon her. Some girls who, 
to their elders, seem too free and careless, may yet have cer¬ 
tain reserves respected by the young men and women of their 
own circle, reserves to which the seemingly demure girl may 
be a stranger. And the best type of man, while friendly 
with other types, will, as a rule, select the self-respecting 
girl when it comes to choosing a life partner. 

A girl accepts few gifts from a man to whom she is not 
engaged, and these must be of the usual “flowers, books, 
candy” type. In other words, she does not put herself under 
obligation nor encourage a man to the point of proposing 
marriage unless she intends to accept him. 

One young matron, noted for having been the belle in a 
brilliant group, once remarked that her husband was the only 
man who had ever proposed to her. When her friends 
laughed at the statement and named half a dozen men who 
had been in love with her she replied: “That is possible, 
but I never let a man get to the point of proposing. I much 
preferred keeping their friendship and letting them keep their 
pride unwounded. I can imagine a situation in which a girl 
might be surprised by a proposal, but nine times out of ten 
she can prevent it, and I cannot imagine a woman of fine 
feeling not protecting anyone from offering a thing that will 
be refused.” 


152 


Courtship and Engagements 


153 


Nor should a girl allow herself to be absorbed by one man 
to the exclusion of others unless she is engaged to him. Being 
seen exclusively with one, the others think there must be 
some secret understanding and withdraw, and then often the 
young man who has caused this condition wonders why the 
girl is no longer popular and his own interest wanes. 

Parents owe it to their children, both boys and girls, to 
see that they meet companions who are such as will make 
worth-while lifelong friends, and both boys and girls will 
do well to think twice before accepting somebody to whom 
their parents object, even though, after consideration, they 
follow their own judgment in the matter. 

Engagements 

While the European custom of obtaining the parents’ con¬ 
sent to pay attention to a young lady does not prevail in 
America, the young man who wishes to conform to the best 
custom as well as establish himself in the good graces of his 
future relatives will state trankly to his future father-in-law 
(or the nearest living relative of the girl he wishes to marry) 
his circumstances and financial condition and be ready to pro¬ 
duce a clean bill of health, both physical and moral. 

Frequently parents prefer some other man to the one their 
daughter chooses, and it lies largely with him whether or not 
he shall make a welcome place for himself in the family. He 
should be unfailingly courteous, and, on their part, the young 
lady’s family should try to see what is best in him and never, 
under any circumstances, let the outside world know that 
they are anything but satisfied. Similarly, a young girl may 
make or mar the friendly attitude of the young man’s family 
by the way she behaves towards them in the beginning of 
her engagement. 

An engagement is announced first to relatives and intimate 





154 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


friends at some social gathering at the bride’s home, fre¬ 
quently at a dinner. Toasts are now seldom offered, but a 
father may rise and offer a toast to his “daughter Frances and 
to Wallace Rogers, who is soon to be my son.” Luckily for 
the young man the shortest of responses is expected from him; 
merely saying “Thank you” is sufficient answer to the con¬ 
gratulations that follow. This announcement is made near 
the end of the dinner, and the bride-to-be is never called upon 
to speak. 

The announcement is made by informal note to distant 
relatives, and the young man does not inform his. family 
until his fiancee and her family have made the announce¬ 
ment. Of course, if the two families are friends, the bride¬ 
groom’s family will have been informed beforehand and his 
parents may be present at the announcement party. The 
young man or his mother will then write to the intimate 
friends of their family. 

Sometimes the bride’s announcement comes at a luncheon 
for her intimate girl friends, the young man dropping in 
late in the afternoon to meet the group and receive their 
congratulations. 

The young man is “congratulated,” but that word is never 
used to his fiancee, she being wished “joy” or “happiness.” 

The engraved form is never used in making announcement 
of an engagement, nor is newspaper announcement made ex¬ 
cept by a note to the society editor of local papers, sent 
by the young lady’s parents, or the mother may call up by 
telephone the day before the announcement is to be made 
and say to the society editor: “This is Mrs. Arthur Weston 
speaking. Mr. and Mrs. Weston are announcing the engage¬ 
ment of their daughter Alice to Mr. Thomas Gates, son of 
Mr. and Mrs. Boyden Gates, of Des Moines.” As editors 
have a rule against unverified announcements, parents them- 




Courtship and Engagements 


155 


selves must write unless they are of such social prominence 
that a reporter will be sent out to verify the news. 

The young man goes with his fiancee to call on such of 
her relatives as invite them and on elderly and invalid mem¬ 
bers of the family, but his family pay the first call on the 
fiancee unless they write asking her to waive the formality 
for some sufficient reason, age or invalidism being the usual 
ones, and she may then call alone or with her fiance. 

A congratulatory note or visit should be acknowledged. 
To a close friend of her fiance’s family a girl might write: 


Dear Mrs. Waldron: 

It was good of you to come to see me and I am very sorry 

to have been away from home that day. And then to send me 

that cordial little note! Indeed I am coming to see you the 

first evening Tom is free to bring me. It means so much to me 

to feel that his family and friends really want me to be one 

of them. . _ . . 

Affectionately, 

Alice Weston. 


A reception may be given after an. engagement is an¬ 
nounced, or, if preferred, the girl may mention in her an¬ 
nouncement notes that she will be at home a certain afternoon 
to receive friends informally, and she may telephone to some 
to whom she does not write. The girl’s mother receives 
with her and her fiance, who would be present at a formal 
affair and come in during an informal one. The parents 
and relatives of the young man should be invited, and they 
should call then or shortly after, and if they cannot come 
to the “at home” they send cards to be received on the day 
thereof. Sometimes a little personal note of explanation is 
sent as more friendly than the formal visiting card. 

The engaged girl may accept gifts from the young man 
to whom she is engaged, but he must not give her actual 
clothing of utility variety. He may give her a fur scarf 




156 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


but not a fur cloak; he may give her jewels and pictures, 
but actual furniture for their future home should remain 
his property, just as linens and silver are hers before they are 
married. 

The engaged couple go about together, but if the girl is 
very young she still has her chaperon with her at formal 
dances, yachting and house parties. In some communities 
she might dine alone with him; in others it is considered 
socially incorrect to do so. 

Sometimes an engagement is not announced until shortly 
before the marriage, but if parents have consented, young 
people generally prefer making the announcement, because an 
unannounced engagement creates rather an ambiguous situa¬ 
tion. A young man is not supposed to show attention to 
other young ladies nor should an engaged girl allow other 
men to monopolize her time, yet if no engagement has been 
announced the engaged couple will create talk if seen too 
much together. Nor does a girl wear her engagement ring 
until the announcement has been made. 

The Shower and Other Gifts 

Friends often send flowers or engagement gifts to the 
fiancee, but these are in no sense obligatory. The shower is 
still popular in some communities, but is less in vogue than 
it was a few years ago because the same intimate group was 
called on again and again. 

Each guest at a shower is asked to bring an article of 
the sort specified, the shower being a “linen shower,” “hand¬ 
kerchief shower,” “kitchen shower” or even a “mixed 
shower,” which means to bring anything one desires. The 
hostess usually serves tea, or the invitation may be for a 
luncheon with cards aftenvards. Sometimes a shower is 
given for the man, but this is usually a burlesque, with gifts 




Courtship and Engagements 


157 


from the ten-cent store and given by a group of men or 
men and girls. 

Broken Engagements 

In case the young woman finds she has made a mistake 
and the engagement is broken, she should return all gifts to 
the young man and he should send back any she has made 
him. It is not the part of good manners to go into detail 
over the reasons for a broken engagement; that the contract¬ 
ing parties found they had made a mistake is enough. No 
matter how he feels on the subject, the young man makes 
no separate statement nor does his family. No one is sup¬ 
posed to mention the matter to the interested parties after 
the announcement has been made that the engagement is 
broken. 

If the engagement has been formally announced, then a 
note is sent the society editor of the paper that “the marriage 
arranged between Miss Alice Weston and Mr. Thomas 
Gates will not take place.” If wedding gifts have been re¬ 
ceived, these are returned at once to the givers with a note 
stating that the engagement has been broken by mutual con¬ 
sent. Even if the break comes actually from the young 
man’s side, the girl is the one who ostensibly ends the 
engagement. 





Chapter XX 

BEFORE THE WEDDING 


P REPARATIONS for a wedding should begin six weeks 
or more before the ceremony. Theoretically the date is 
set by the bride in consultation with her family, but as a 
matter of fact she usually first consults her future husband, 
since much depends upon his business engagements. 

Invitations 

Invitations should be issued two to three weeks in advance 
of the wedding, which means that several more weeks must 
be allowed for having them engraved, addressed and stamped. 
In making the list of those invited the bride must determine 
whether she will have a house or church wedding, whether 
many are to come to the ceremony, or, if that is to be 
solemnized before only a few friends, what others are to 
be invited to the breakfast or reception following the 
marriage. 

Usually the bride and her mother go over their visiting 
lists carefully, since those who receive invitations or an¬ 
nouncements form the nucleus of social life for the newly 
married couple. The bridegroom also makes a list, and his 
mother may be asked to suggest those she thinks should be 
included. These lists are revised, to avoid duplication, before 
the envelopes are addressed. 

When the wedding is to be small and informal the bride’s 
mother usually writes informal notes of invitation, or a 
young woman who is head of her father’s household writes 
these for herself. No matter how formal or informal the 
wedding, the bridegroom’s parents and intimate friends 
should be invited, whether they live at a distance or not. 
Even though strangers to the bride’s family, she sends them 
158 


Before the Wedding 


159 


invitations, and they accept or send regrets to the person in 
whose name the invitations were issued. 

The invitation should be on a dull-finish double sheet of 
white paper, about 7 by 5 inches in size, the engraving being 
in block, shaded block or script, wide margins being left 
and the sheet fitting the envelope with one folding. The 
family crest may be embossed on the invitation, but must be 
left uncolored, although even so it is better omitted. The 
monogram is never used. 

Two envelopes are used, the inner one with the names on 
and unsealed, the outer one bearing the full address and 
stamped and sealed. Since the wife is the social head of 
the family, while the inner envelope is addressed to “Mr. 
and Mrs. Blank,” the outer one is to Mrs. Blank, with the 
address. A separate card should be sent to Miss Blank, but 
several daughters receive the one card to “The Misses 
Blank,” while each son invited must receive his separate 
invitation. Better economize elsewhere than on the sending 
of the correct number of invitations, although there is au¬ 
thority for including an only daughter with the parents, 
writing on the inner envelope: 

Mr. and Mrs. Blank 
Miss Blank 

The form of invitation for a church wedding would read: 

Mr. and Mrs. Leonard Fordingham 
request the honour of 
(‘write in name of guest here) 
presence at the marriage of their daughter 
Olive Margaret 
to 

Mr. Archer Delafield 
on Tuesday the fifth of May 
at twelve o’clock 
at The Church of the Redeemer 




160 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


In order to save writing in the names of guests the second 
line above may be engraved: “request the honour of your 
presence” and the name line omitted. 

The name of the city may be added by people who have 
homes in more than one place, and, if the ceremony takes 
place at home, the house address appears in place of the name 
of the church. If the wedding takes place at the home of a 
friend the lines after the one stating the hour would read: 

at the house of Mr. and Mrs. Alvin Lightner 
Lake Forest 
Illinois 

The invitation to the reception or breakfast is enclosed for 
those who are invited and is on a card half the size of the 
invitation so it fits in, and matches it in type form: 

Mr. and Mrs. Leonard Fordingham 
request the pleasure of 
Mr . and Mrs . Grayson's 
company on Tuesday the fifth of May 
at one o’clock 

at Seventy-seven Aston Street 

Or, the form may be in combination if all who are at the 
ceremony are to be asked to the reception: 

Mr. and Mrs. Leonard Fordingham 
request the honour of your presence 
at the marriage of their daughter 
Olive Margaret 
to 

Mr. Archer Delafield 
on Tuesday, the fifth of May 
at twelve o’clock 

at The Church of The Redeemer 
and afterwards at Seventy-seven Aston Street 

k R. s. v. p. 




Before the Wedding 


161 


For a church wedding a small admission card is always 
enclosed with the invitation, to' guard against unin¬ 
vited guests. The card is about 2 by 3*/2 inches in size 
and reads: 

Please present this card 
at The Church of The Redeemer 
on Tuesday, the fifth of May 

Cards for reserved pews for members of the two fam¬ 
ilies and intimate friends are also enclosed. These may 
be the visiting card of the bride’s mother with ‘‘Pew 
No...” written on them, or they may be engraved cards 
reading: 

Please present this card to an usher 
Pew No. [write number in] 
on Tuesday, the fifth of May 

If the bride has one parent living the invitations are issued 
in the name of that parent, but if no parent be living, invi¬ 
tations are issued in the name of the nearest living relative: 
grandparents, uncle, older sister. 

In the same way, if the bride’s mother is married 
again the invitations are issued in the name of the 
mother and step-father, the words “their daughter” be¬ 
ing followed on the next line by the bride’s full name, as 
would be done also if the invitations were issued by some 
relative other than a parent. Of course, if the bride 
lived with her own father, he would issue the invita¬ 
tion. 

Invitations to the marriage of a young widow are sent in 
the name of her parents, the only difference being that Mr. 
and Mrs. Walker would ask your presence at the marriage 

of their daughter, Alice Walker Gresham. 

11 




162 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


For the out-of-town wedding a train card is enclosed and, 
if a car has been reserved, the card is an admission ticket: 

A special train will leave Union Station at 
11:45 a. m.; and returning will leave Lake 
Forest at 3:10 p. m. 

Show this card at the gate 

If the wedding takes place at home with only a few 
present, followed by a reception to which many are asked, 
the invitations to the ceremony are by personal notes while 
the engraved form is used only for those invited, to the 
reception. 

A bride whose parents are not living may write informal 
little notes to a few intimate friends if she is to have a 
home wedding, but for the church wedding of any size the 
invitations are issued by some relative. Especially if the bride 
is a widow or not very young the invitations issued by herself 
for a small wedding are usually preferable: 

Dear Moira: 

Tom and I are to be married next Tuesday, the sixth of 
March, at Grace Church, at twelve o’clock. We are counting 
on your being there and that you will come afterwards to a 
small breakfast that Aunt Elizabeth is giving for us at our 
home, Fifteen East Aldgate Road. 

Affectionately yours, 

Florence. 

For a house wedding a formal invitation would “request 
the honour of your company” instead of “the honour of your 
presence” as is proper on an invitation to a church wedding, 
and for the guests at the home ceremony the invitation to 
reception or breakfast, admission and pew cards are not re¬ 
quired. Notice also that in wedding invitations the word 
“honour” is spelled with a u. 




Before the Wedding 


163 


Answering Wedding Invitations 

When invitations are sent formally in the third person, 
answers must be sent in the same form. If the Misses 
Blank “regret that they will be unable to be present,” well 
and good, but if Miss Blank accepts and Miss Narcissa Blank 
regrets, each must send her separate answer. 

Answers are sent when the invitation is to a house wedding 
or to the reception or breakfast, but no reply is necessary 
to a church wedding or to a wedding announcement. 

Answers are always addressed to the person in whose name 
the invitation is issued, no matter whether or not the 
recipient knows him (or her). 

If “at home” cards of the newly married couple are sent, 

the recipient must call or send cards to reach on the first day 

specified. A 

Announcements 

Announcements are sent after the wedding to notify those 
who were not invited to the wedding or reception of the 
bride’s change of name and estate, and are seldom used 
when most friends were included in a large church gather¬ 
ing; but when the wedding party has been small the an¬ 
nouncement serves to indicate that the young couple wish to 
include the recipient among their social acquaintance. 

Note that the year is always stated in an announcement, 
but never in a wedding invitation: 


Mr. and Mrs. Leonard Fordingham 
have the honour to announce 
the marriage of their daughter 
Olive Margaret 
to 

Mr. Archer Delafield 
on Tuesday, the fifth of May 
One thousand nine hundred and twenty-four 
at The Church of The Redeemer 
in the City of Chicago 




164 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


Even if a bride’s father is no longer living, in sending 
announcements to the society editor of a newspaper it is cor¬ 
rect form to use the father’s name: “Miss Alice West, 
daughter of the late Thomas Albaugh West;” but if parents 
are separated and the daughter lives with her mother and 
step-father, the latter makes the announcement. 

When a widow marries again parents or near relatives issue 
the announcement, using her full name. An older woman 
sometimes issues her own announcement: 

Mrs. Leonore Bovary 
and 

Mr. Ellis Torrison 

have the honour to announce their marriage 
on Wednesday, the eighth of March 
One thousand nine hundred and twenty-four 
at The Gables 
Ardmore, Pennsylvania 

With the announcement may be enclosed a card giving the 
future address: 

Mr. and Mrs. Ellis Torrison 
At home after June first 
6700 Walnut Street 
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 

A more formal card may be sent and the city name omitted 
if the bride remains in her home town: 

Mr. and Mrs. Ellis Torrison 
will be at home 
after the tenth of January 
at Forty-eight Gretney Road 

Wedding Attendants 

The bride asks her maid of honor and bridesmaids to serve 
as far in advance as possible, and while her maid or matron 




Before the Wedding 


165 


of honor should be her closest friend, if she has a number of 
bridesmaids a sister of the bridegroom should be one of these. 
Similarly the bridegroom asks a brother or other relative 
of the bride to be one of the ushers, both as a courtesy and 
also so that he can recognize and seat members of her family 
and close friends. 

At a home wedding or a small church ceremony the num¬ 
ber of attendants is usually limited to best man and maid of 
honor, though two ushers and two bridesmaids may be added. 
In the large home where broad halls and spacious rooms 
make a wedding procession possible a greater number of 
attendants may serve. 

Other General Preparations 

The clergyman who is to officiate is asked some time in 
advance, and care is taken to see that he marks the date in 
his calendar. If an outside clergyman is asked also, the 
clergyman of the church selected must be asked to assist. 
Arrangements must be made to have the church available on 
the selected date; the sexton consulted about getting the 
church in readiness, laying carpets to the street, raising awn¬ 
ings, etc. The floral decorations are arranged with the florist 
for both house and church; the organist, choir and house 
musicians engaged, and the musical program is gone over 
some weeks in advance. Carriages and motors are engaged 
at least a week ahead. Either the sexton or motor company 
can supply a man to open carriage doors and one to take 
admittance cards at the door. 

Few families have a sufficient staff of servants to prepare 
the refreshments, caterers generally being employed to supply 
all or part of the food, and they may also supply extra silver, 
linen and china as well as waiters or waitresses, even taking 
over the entire management of dining-room and kitchen. 




166 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


The Bride 

Besides the preparations noted above the bride’s family 
usually provides her with a trousseau, as simple or elaborate 
as their means permit and suited to the manner in which 
she will live. If she is to live simply, even if her parents 
be wealthy, household linens and clothing of a sort that she 
can use should be given, and not elaborate linens and gar¬ 
ments for which she will have little use. On the other 
hand, if the bride’s family are of limited means, a simple 
trousseau of necessities is sufficient and in better taste than 
a showy display. If the bridegroom is a man of wealth, he 
can provide for his wife after they are married, but she must 
accept no part of her trousseau from him or his family 
beforehand. 

The bride’s family provide the flowers for the bride’s 
bouquet and also for the bridesmaids and ushers in some 
localities; in others this is the privilege of the bridegroom, 
so that one must be governed by local custom. 

The bride gives her bridesmaids and maid of honor some 
individual gift: a bracelet, pendant or brooch would be 
proper, and these are given on the wedding day, at a luncheon 
the day before, or sent with her card to each one a day 
or two in advance, and usually the gift is worn by the brides¬ 
maid. These gifts are practically the same, so that no one 
seems singled out for special favor. 

The Bride’s Costume 

The bride should wear white, although this may have an 
ivory tint. The only color worn is a pale green that is 
sometimes introduced in facings and trimmings of the gown. 
For an evening wedding ivory satin is most appropriate, but 
for a daytime wedding some softer material may be found 





Before the Wedding 


167 


preferable. For a country wedding a gown of finest em¬ 
broidered white lawn is effective, and in making her choice 
the bride should bear in mind the style of the wedding and 
also whether she will have future use for the gown. For 
the bride who will live simply or who has a quiet home 
wedding, a soft crepe will be more in keeping than a heavy 
satin. 

A veil of tulle may be worn plain or with a wreath of 
orange blossoms (the only artificial flowers sanctioned for 
a bride) or attached to the Russian cap embroidered in 
pearls and orange blossoms, or with a cap or band of real 
lace. 

The bride wears white slippers and hose, and her only 
jewels should be the gift of the bridegroom or some treasured 
family heirloom or gift from her own parents. White gloves 
are usually worn, although these are sometimes discarded 
in summer by brides who are married in the country. The 
engagement ring is worn on the right hand during the 
ceremony. 

Sometimes a bride is married in her traveling costume, in 
which case she has only one attendant, who wears afternoon 
dress, and both wear hats. The bridegroom wears cutaway 
or sack suit of dark color. 

At a second marriage a bride does not wear white nor 
does she wear a veil. She has but one attendant and no 
pages nor flower girls, but at a church wedding there must 
be ushers. She usually wears mauve or gray, and hat, shoes 
and hose to correspond, and may carry a bouquet, though 
the ivory prayer-book is preferred at the second marriage. 
The first wedding ring and engagement ring should be re¬ 
moved if a second engagement ring is worn, but if not, the 
rings from the first marriage are removed before the second 
wedding day. 





168 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


In planning a church wedding remember that several de¬ 
nominations require that a woman’s head be covered in 
church, so that bride and bridesmaids must wear head-cov¬ 
erings, the bride usually a veil or hat, the bridesmaids hats 
or little caps of lace or gold fabric and pearls. 

The Bride’s Attendants 

The number of attendants may vary from one to a dozen 
or more, the usual number for a church wedding being a 
maid (or matron) of honor and six or eight bridesmaids, 
while the bridegroom selects an equal number of ushers and 
the best man. Half the bridesmaids may be young married 
women if there be a matron of honor, but if the position of 
honor be held by an unmarried woman, the bridesmaids must 
also be unmarried. Flower girls, pages and ring-bearer may 
be added, but too long a procession defeats its own object of 
being effective. 

The bridesmaids are paired according to height and include 
the bride’s intimate friends and usually a sister or other 
relation of the bridegroom. 

What the Bridesmaids Wear 

The bride’s attendants buy their own costumes, but the 
color, material and style of making are dictated by the bride. 
All the bridesmaids may be dressed alike or each pair wear a 
different color, the various pastel shades of rose, green, blue 
and delicate yellow being popular, but in material and style 
all are alike. The maid of honor wears a gown slightly dif¬ 
ferent from that of the bridesmaids and carries a bouquet of 
another color. The bride supplies the flowers or the fan or 
chiffon muff they carry in place of flowers, and she should 
not select costumes far beyond the means of her bridesmaids. 
All white, with girdles of different colors to match the 
flowers, makes effective and economical costumes. 




Before the Wedding 


169 


Flower girls and pages must also supply their own cos¬ 
tumes, made according to the style selected by the bride. 

Slippers and hose match the frocks, and hats or period 
caps are worn to comply with church regulations. 

Duties of the Bride's Attendants 

The bride’s attendants must appear promptly for re¬ 
hearsals. At the wedding reception or breakfast they make 
themselves useful in looking after guests. They are at the 
bride’s home an hour before the ceremony to receive any 
last instructions and be given their bouquets. The maid of 
honor may help the bride dress, and she always goes upstairs 
to aid in the change from bridal to traveling dress and notify 
the best man when the bride is ready to leave with the 
bridegroom. 

Both bridesmaids and maid of honor call on the bride’s 
mother within a few days after the wedding, or, if they are 
out-of-town friends who leave at once, they write her 
promptly. 

The Bridegroom’s Duties 

In most communities the bridegroom provides the bride's 
bouquet and boutonnieres for his attendants and himself; in 
some places he also supplies the flowers for maid of honor and 
bridesmaids. In any event he consults the bride as to her 
choice in flowers. 

He also sees to ordering and paying for carriages for the 
best man and ushers, has the clergyman’s fee (which may be 
anything from ten dollars to several hundred) in an envelope 
and in possession of the best man, and, if two clergymen 
officiate, has fees for both unless one is a member of the 
family. Unless the bride’s father or some friend proffers 
the use of a motor, he provides the car that takes him and 
his bride to the train. 




170 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


He usually gives a farewell supper to his best man and 
ushers the night before the wedding (this is not done by a 
widower) and either then or the next day may give them 
their gloves and ties and some little gift like a scarf-pin, cuff¬ 
links or cigarette case. Or he may send these a day or two 
before the wedding to their homes, enclosing his card. 

Sometimes the bridegroom entertains the men, and the 
bride the girls of the wedding party, and the two groups 
meet later for a dance. 

The bridegroom gives the bride a gift on the wedding 
day, this generally being a piece of jewelry that she wears 
at the wedding. Her gift to him is optional, depending 
largely on local custom. 

The bridegroom plans the wedding journey and orders 
reservations some weeks in advance so he may be sure of satis¬ 
factory accommodations on trains and steamers and in hotels. 
When all reservations have been attended to (and he does 
well to ask telegraphic confirmation of rooms and Pullman 
space made by long distance communication) he turns over 
data and tickets to his best man and bothers no more about 
them. 


What the Bridegroom Wears 

While the bride chooses attire that suits her, regardless of 
the wedding hour, the bridegroom is governed by the time of 
day. For a wedding that takes place before 6 p. m. he wears 
a black cutaway coat with black waistcoat, dark gray striped 
trousers, black socks and low-cut shoes, a white stiff dress 
shirt, black, pearl-gray or black and white four-in-hand, gray 
suede gloves and a high silk hat. He wears a white bou¬ 
tonniere, a bit larger than that of his ushers, and may carry 
a cane. His gloves may be white buckskin and he may wear 
white spats, if he so desires. While details of attire vary 




Before the Wedding 


171 


from time to time, the above is essentially correct for the 
bridegroom who is married at any hour before 6 p. m. 

There may be good reason for a man to be married in a 
sack suit of dark color, especially at a small home wedding, 
but as a matter of etiquette this is not correct, although it 
may be the sensible thing to do. 

After 6 p. m. the only correct dress for the bridegroom is 
formal evening dress: full dress suit of dull-faced black 
material, white pique waistcoat, white lawn tie, white enamel 
or pearl studs in the plain white linen shirt, white gloves, 
black low-cut shoes of patent leather and black socks and a 
high hat. He always has a white handkerchief, colored bor¬ 
ders being taboo at all hours, and under no circumstances 
does he wear a Tuxedo. 

At a country wedding in summer the bridegroom and his 
best man sometimes wear white flannels if the ceremony is 
to take place in the house or garden, but if this is done, 
both men wear all white, from soft felt hat to white shoes 
and socks and ties. 

Best Man and Ushers 

The best man sees that the bridegroom gets his wedding 
license in time (in some States this must be done several days 
in advance) and that his luggage has been sent to train, 
boat or hotel, excepting the suitcase with traveling clothes 
that is sent to the bride’s home on the wedding day and 
put in a room assigned to the use of the bridegroom. The 
best man puts railroad tickets and travel data in a pocket of 
the bridegroom’s traveling suit or gives them to him just 
as he starts. He helps the bridegroom dress before the 
wedding, goes with him to the house or church, gives him 
the ring when that part of the ceremony is reached, stays 
behind to give the clergyman his fee, then reaches the house 





172 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


in time to take his place in the receiving group, and later 
helps the bridegroom change to his traveling suit and gets 
him and the bride safely started on their journey. 

He also manages to see that the ushers receive their bouton¬ 
nieres either at the house or church, as previously planned, 
decides any last-minute questions and, in case of delay, sees 
that the organist covers the wait by adding to the musical 
program. 

Sometimes he carries an extra ring, so that if the original 
ring drops in passing it to the bridegroom there will he no 
awkward pause and hunting about on the floor. 

His clothing is like that of the bridegroom except that his 
boutonniere is smaller and he never carries a cane. The 
same is true of the ushers. 

Wedding Gifts 

Wedding gifts are usually sent by those invited to the 
home wedding ceremony or reception, but those invited to the 
church or to whom announcement is sent decide the question 
for themselves. Gifts are sent to the bride even if the sender 
be a friend of the bridegroom only. Frequently the best 
man sends a gift to the bride but makes a personal gift to the 
bridegroom, and the same may be done by his immediate 
family, but these are sent him direct and technically are not 
“wedding gifts.” 

Table silver is given by members of the families and 
friends, and a bride may let it be known that she is getting 
a specified pattern so that all will match. All silver is 
marked with the initials of the bride’s maiden name, since the 
gifts are sent before her marriage. Wedding gifts are sent 
as soon after the invitations are received as possible, with the 
sender’s card enclosed in a small envelope. Intimate friends 
may write “With best wishes” on their cards; others send 





Before the Wedding 


173 


no message. There is no objection to a bride exchanging 
duplicate wedding gifts, since the giver’s real object is to 
send something she can enjoy. 

Gifts may be shown a few days before the wedding, 
friends who have sent remembrances being invited by in¬ 
formal note or telephoned message to come on a certain 
afternoon, when tea is served. Gifts are displayed in a 
separate room on white linen-covered tables, all of the same 
sort of gift (silver or linen or glass) being together whether 
large or small, and cards are left or removed as the bride 
chooses. 

Gifts may also be displayed on the wedding day, and 
guests may go in and look at them during the reception 
hours. 

Acknowledging Gifts 

A bride should list all gifts received or write on the back 
of the sender’s card what was sent, so she can make definite 
acknowledgment, mentioning what was sent. A note should 
be sent at once so that the bride will not be faced by a 
long list of acknowledgments at the last minute. When a 
gift comes from a married couple the note is addressed to 
the wife, but the wording includes the husband: 

Dear Mrs. Gregory: 

The charming etching came today and it was so good of 
you and Mr. Gregory to remember us so beautifully. Tom 
says it is to hang in the library, but I may persuade him to 
let it hang in a niche in the living-room that looks as if it had 
been built to hold that very picture. And when we are at 
home, you must come and see the picture—and us. 

Sincerely yours, 

Gracia Allen. 

And, if Mr. and Mrs. Gregory appear at the wedding 
reception, when they greet the bride, the latter will again 
mention the “lovely etching.” 




174 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


The bride must be especially punctilious in acknowledging 
gifts from members of her future husband’s family and from 
those she does not know intimately. Gifts may be sent by 
some older friends of the family who were invited only to 
the church or received announcements. The bride must be 
prompt and cordial in acknowledging such gifts. Only if 
they come from persons she thinks are actuated by a desire 
to force acquaintance, rather than by kindliness, should her 
acknowledgment be coldly formal. 

The Rehearsal 

Even the simplest wedding should be rehearsed lest unsus¬ 
pected conditions mar the ceremony. The organist (or 
pianist) must be at rehearsals so the procession can be timed 
and learn to march with even and unhurried steps, and the 
processional must stop at a certain bar of music when the 
bride reaches the chancel with her attendants. 

The organist plays and the ushers try out the march, 
with the rest of the party watching, to see whether the pace 
needs slowing or quickening, and then the entire procession 
tries the march, led by the bride’s father and a substitute for 
the bride (who watches but never takes part). 

At the foot of the chancel the ushers divide, followed by 
the bridesmaids, who stand in front of them. If there is 
difficulty, chalk marks may be made until drilling makes 
these guides unnecessary. When this is satisfactory, the 
clergyman, bridegroom and best man enter from the side and 
all positions are practiced, although no words of the service 
are read. Then the recessional is tried, until the organist has 
his cues for all the music. 

Entertaining the Wedding Party 

Entertainments are given by intimate friends for the 
wedding party, the bridesmaids and ushers being included in 





Before the Wedding 


175 


all these functions. The bride usually entertains her attend¬ 
ants at a luncheon, and her parents may give a dinner for 
the entire wedding party, including the bridegroom’s family. 
Often a dinner is given for the immediate party and others 
are invited in to a dance afterwards. The bridegroom’s din¬ 
ner or supper to his best man and ushers is given the night 
before the wedding. 

If the bridegroom’s family lives out of town the bride’s 
mother may invite members of his immediate family to her 
home, but usually they prefer staying at a hotel, and they 
are free to decline hospitalities if they desire. 





Chapter XXI 
THE WEDDING 


F OR some reason Wednesday seems the most popular day 
for a wedding; Sundays and days in Lent are not gen¬ 
erally chosen, and Friday being “fast day” in Catholic and 
certain Episcopal churches makes that an unpopular day. 

The preferred hours for weddings are midday or after¬ 
noon, but any hour may be chosen, although at a morning 
wedding the bride is usually in traveling dress. High noon 
(exactly at noon), 4 p. m., 4:30 and 9 p. m. are the most 
popular hours, but the time is always on the hour or the 
half hour. The ceremony in the Catholic church is gen¬ 
erally performed at mass, which is always in the morning, 
although this is not a compulsory regulation. 

The Church Wedding 

A small church wedding, at which only the immediate 
families are present, may be conducted with the informality 
of the small home wedding, but as a rule many friends are 
invited to the church ceremony, and in that case ushers are 
virtually a necessity. They should arrive an hour before 
time to make sure everything is in order. In some com¬ 
munities they drive first to the home of the bride and there 
receive their boutonnieres and any last-minute instructions, 
but usually they go directly to the church, where the florist’s 
messenger has left their boutonnieres in the vestry-room, and 
there they also find lists (which the bride has prepared) of 
relatives and friends who will occupy the reserved pews. 
Here, too, they don their gloves and leave their hats. 

They are assigned to certain aisles, those best acquainted 
with the families being selected for the center aisles. They 
make sure that the organist comes on time, the carpets and 
176 


The Wedding 


177 


awnings are in place, that men are in attendance to open 
carriage doors and take admittance cards, and that the first 
six to ten pews on each side of the center aisle are closed off 
by easily removable white ribbons. 

As guests arrive an usher offers his arm to the lady and 
escorts her to a pew, the gentleman accompanying her fol¬ 
lowing a step behind. Guests must always take the places 
assigned them by the ushers. If cards with pew numbers 
have been sent to the guests, they show these, but otherwise 
the usher asks strangers if they are friends of the bride’s 
family or the bridegroom’s and seats them accordingly, pews 
on the left being for the former and on the right for the 
latter. The first pew on the right is kept for the bride¬ 
groom’s parents or next of kin; that on the left for the 
bride’s immediate family. 

The organist plays a musical program (usually selected 
some weeks in advance by the bride) for about an hour 
before the wedding party arrives, and guests take their places 
quietly, without visiting about, and speak only in lowest 
tones. 

The bridegroom and best man arrive at the church to¬ 
gether a quarter hour before time for the arrival of the 
bridal party, enter the church by a side door and wait until 
one of the ushers comes to tell them that the carriage of 
the bride’s mother has arrived, and a few moments later 
they enter. The clergyman also waits in the vestry and is 
ready in ample time. Should any unforeseen delay occur, 
such as a motor accident, the best man telephones the bridal 
party to wait at the house and delay coming to the church 
until notified, and the organist is asked to continue playing 
until told that all is in readiness. 

Before the bridal party leaves the bride’s home, the motors 

sent by the bride’s family have brought the bridesmaids to 
12 




178 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


the house, where they have been given their bouquets. Serv¬ 
ants are sent on ahead to the church to be ready to take 
the wraps of the bride and her attendants in the vestibule 
and have them ready to put on again after the recessional. 

The bridegroom’s parents arrive at the church a few 
minutes before the bridal group and wait in the vestibule. 
The bride’s mother comes in the first carriage from the 
bride’s home, the maid of honor and bridesmaids follow, and 
the bride comes last with her father or the relative who is 
to give her away. Hers is the last car to arrive and waits 
ready to receive her and her husband, as they are the first 
to emerge from the church. 

As the vestibule doors are closed after the bride’s mother 
is seated she usually arrives a couple of minutes after the 
stated hour so that last-minute arrivals may be seated before 
the doors are closed to them during the wedding march. The 
ribbons are then removed from the front pews. 

As soon as the entire wedding party is assembled in the 
vestibule, the head usher escorts the bridegroom’s mother 
to her pew, her husband following; he then returns and 
escorts the bride’s mother to her pew, and a signal is given 
the organist as he returns to the vestibule, the doors of which 
have been closed while the procession has been forming. As 
the head usher reaches the door of the vestibule the wedding 
march begins and the clergyman enters from the vestry, fol¬ 
lowed by the bridegroom and best man. They advance 
slowly, the bridegroom standing on the chancel steps to the 
right of the center aisle, facing the guests, the best man a 
little to the rear and left. The bridegroom removes his 
right-hand glove, holding it in his left hand. 

At the same moment that the first strains of the wedding 
march bring clergyman and bridegroom, the doors of the 
vestibule are opened and the processional advances, the head 





The Wedding 


m 


usher stepping into his place. First come the ushers, two and 
two; then the bridesmaids, two and two; then the maid of 
honor alone, followed by the bride on the arm of her father. 
If there is a vested choir, this precedes the ushers. The re¬ 
hearsal should have timed the procession, but it is well for 
each couple to count six beats after those ahead have 
started before they put left foot forward, and the bride waits 
eight beats before she follows the maid of honor. While 
the procession advances slowly, it should not lag, and all 
eyes should be forward and not wandering over the 
assemblage. 

Sometimes the bridegroom advances a few steps as the 
bride approaches, or he may wait at the chancel, receive her 
from her father, take her hand and lead her forward to 
where the clergyman stands. 

At the chancel the ushers divide to right and left; the 
bridesmaids also divide and stand before the ushers; the maid 
of honor stands to the left of the bride’s position. 

The bride is at the left of the bridegroom during the cere¬ 
mony and her father stands back and a little to the left of the 
bridal pair. When the clergyman asks, “Who giveth this 
woman to be married to this man?” the bride’s father steps 
forward as the bride turns slightly towards him, places her 
right hand in that of the clergyman, saying in audible tones, 
“I do,” and steps back to join the bride’s mother in her 
pew. The clergyman places the bride’s hand in that of the 
bridegroom for the plighting of the troth. He then ascends 
to the altar, the bride and bridegroom following with the 
maid of honor and best man, the latter two carefully keep¬ 
ing to the outside and not following directly behind. 

The bride draws off her right glove and hands it and 
her bouquet to her maid of honor, the best man gives the 
ring to the bridegroom and the troth is plighted. 




180 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


Should the bride have no near male relative, her mother 
steps quietly forward at the clergyman’s “Who giveth, etc., 
places the bride’s hand in that of the clergyman and steps 
down again, or she may rise and make response from her 
pew, though the former procedure is usually preferred. 

The ceremony over, the clergyman quickly congratulates 
the newly-married pair, who lead the way, the bride on 
the arm of her husband and followed by the maid of honor, 
the bridesmaids and ushers in the same way they entered. 
The best man usually goes directly to the vestry, stopping 
to give the envelope containing his fee to the clergyman. 

When there is a recessional the bridegroom does not kiss 
the bride at the conclusion of the wedding ceremony, but 
at a home wedding he does so. 

Order of the Wedding Procession 

Following is the relative order for various attendants, 
though few wedding parties would include all these groups: 

The Processional 

1. Vested choir, walking in pairs. 

2. The ushers, walking in pairs. 

3. Bridesmaids, walking in pairs. 

4. Maid of honor, walking alone. 

5. Flower girls, walking in pairs. 

6. Ring-bearer. 

7. The bride on her father’s arm. 

8. Pages, holding the bride’s train. 

The choir march to their usual position and do not join 
the recessional , in which the order is as follows, with the 
best man following the maid of honor if he does not go 
to the vestry: 

1. The bride on her husband’s arm. 

2. Pages. 

3. Maid of honor. 




The Wedding 


181 


4. Flower girls. 

5. Ring-bearer. 

6. Bridesmaids. 

7. Ushers. 

Flower girls and pages are grouped in front of the brides¬ 
maids during the ceremony, their position depending on 
space and the effect desired. The ring-bearer would stand 
next to the best man during the wedding ceremony. 

The parents of the bride follow directly after the ushers 
and the bridegroom’s parents come next. Ushers return to 
see that relatives of the bride and bridegroom and ladies 
who are alone are escorted from the church to their motors. 
The ushers and best man are usually the last to leave the 
church. 

The Reception 

When the bridal party has returned to the house, the 
bride’s mother stands near the entrance of the room where 
guests are welcomed, the bridegroom’s mother seldom re¬ 
ceiving with her but standing near, and all guests make a 
point of speaking to both before going on to greet the newly- 
married couple, who stand together further in the room. 
The bride stands on her husband’s right, the maid of honor 
on his other side, and beyond her the bridesmaids. Fathers 
of bride and bridegroom mingle among the guests, and the 
ushers do the same, sometimes also escorting guests to the 
bride. A butler may announce guests as they enter the 
room, but that is not necessary. 

What guests say depends on the degree of intimacy, but 
they generally tell the bride’s mother how lovely her 
daughter looked, are “glad to meet” the bridegroom’s mother 
if she is a stranger, and perhaps tell her what a good friend 
her son is, or, “Wasn’t it a lovely wedding?” and they 
always remember to “congratulate” the bridegroom but 




182 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


never use that word to the bride, whom they wish joy or 
happiness. She in her turn is tactful, remembering what 
gift each guest sent, and which person came from a distance, 
and lets her reply show her very personal appreciation of 
their presence. She introduces her husband to friends whom 
he has not met, and both they and their guests are smiling, 
friendly and brief, so that the line may pass quickly. 

Music is supplied by a concealed string orchestra, not 
loud enough to be overpowering, and guests stand about or 
find the few chairs near the walls and chat with each other. 

Refreshments 

A buffet meal in the dining-room is most satisfactory for 
managing a large crowd in a small house, the guests having 
such food as can easily be handled with a fork and spoon 
and needing no knife for cutting. Refreshments may be 
as simple or as elaborate as desired. Salads, croquettes of 
lobster or chicken, ices, cake, bonbons and coffee are all- 
sufficient. White grape juice, made sparkling with charged 
water, has taken the place of champagne in most homes. 

Servants are present to help serve guests, and only a few 
chairs are provided for elderly guests, the others standing 
about. The bridal party is generally last to be served, and 
they sit down and take their time. 

Wedding cake may be ready in small boxes on a table, and 
each guest takes a box with him, or the bride may make the 
first cut in a large cake, after which the butler cuts the rest 
and the cake is passed to each guest as he is served, the 
latter method being preferred where all are served at the 
same time. 

At a seated meal the bride and bridegroom sit at the 
head of their table with the bridal party about them, and 
at another table sit their parents and the officiating clergy- 




The Wedding 


183 


man, together with the nearest relatives. The bride’s father 
takes in the bridegroom’s mother, the bride’s mother goes 
in with the bridegroom’s father, and the clergyman sits on 
her left. 

For a breakfast or luncheon the following suggestion may 
be modified to suit :* 


Frosted Strawberries 

Celery Bouillon Toasted Crackers 

Olives Radishes 

Ham Mousse Rice Croquettes 

Macedoine Salad 

Frozen Pudding Bride’s Cake 

Coffee Bonbons 

The Departure 

After the meal there may be dancing, and the bride stays 
about an hour, dancing first with her husband. When she 
leaves she throws her bouquet to her bridesmaids at the 
foot of the stairs. 

Her traveling gown is new, while the bridegroom usually 
prefers a dark-colored business suit that he has worn a few 
times. The maid of honor assists the bride; the best man, 
the bridegroom. The latter goes to the room assigned to 
him shortly after the bride disappears, changes his clothing, 
sees that railroad tickets are handy and waits at the head of 
the stairs for the bride, and they descend the stairs together 
to the waiting motor. 

The bride’s mother ordinarily will slip away from her 
guests and go upstairs to say farewell to her daughter, or 
she is sent for when the bride is ready to leave. The 
bridegroom’s parents should also be notified by the bride, 
since the bridegroom may not realize that he will have 


*Menu by Elizabeth Clausen Williams, editor of Household Department, 
Woman’s Weekly, author and lecturer on household economics. 





184 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


little chance for farewells after going downstairs, and his 
parents, especially if they are strangers and shy, will hesi¬ 
tate to intrude on the upper floors of the house without 
being invited to do so. But they will feel keenly not being 
given opportunity to say farewell to their son and new 
daughter and will be proportionately appreciative if that 
new daughter remembers to have them called to say good-by. 

Before the wedding the best man has taken all but final 
luggage to the station and checked it, or to the local hotel 
where he has registered for the couple, inspected the rooms 
to see all is in order and may even have seen that a vase 
of flowers is placed, and has brought the keys to the bride¬ 
groom so that he can go directly to the elevators and not 
have his bride wait in the lobby. 

The throwing of rice or rose petals is an old custom, as is 
the throwing of the “good-luck shoe,” but the jolly leave- 
taking should not descend to boisterousness and vulgarity, 
to putting ribbons and notices on luggage or carriage or 
following the couple to hotel or train. The best man may 
follow alone to the train to see that all goes right there. 

The Home Wedding 

A home wedding is carried on much in the same fashion 
as a church wedding except that the former is simpler, there 
are fewer attendants and a screen of flowers serves in place 
of the altar. No admission cards are sent, and guests are 
as prompt as at a church wedding and keep back of the 
families of the contracting parties when they step forward 
before the ceremony. 

All arrangements are made carefully and planned to be 
in readiness a full hour before the one stated; guests try 
to arrive about a quarter hour ahead of time and are greeted 
by the bride’s mother as they enter the room. 





The Wedding 


185 


A carriage man and door man may be supplied by the 
caterer, or a maid to open the door as guests reach the 
steps (and before they ring) is often all-sufficient. A bride 
whose family is of limited means should not make display 
beyond what her family can afford, but let perfection of 
service and simple decoration take the place of an elaborate 
display. Wild flowers and home-made sandwiches, ice 
cream and cakes are preferable to hot-house blooms and 
caterer’s fare to guests who know the latter to be beyond 
the means of their hosts. 

A room is provided for the bridegroom where he can 
change his clothes after the ceremony, and there is one for 
the officiating clergyman to use when he dons and doffs his 
vestments. Neither the bride, her father nor the clergyman 
meets guests until after the wedding ceremony. 

The ceremony is essentially the same as in a church. Two 
young girls may stretch ribbons to form an aisle, the clergy¬ 
man enters from the side, followed by the bridegroom and 
best man, while the ushers step to the foot of the stairs until 
the bridal party starts down and then lead the way. If the 
bride’s father is not living the bride may enter with her 
mother, who stands a few paces behind her until she gives 
her daughter away. But the daughter does not enter on 
her mother’s arm. 

As soon as the ceremony is over, the clergyman is first 
to offer congratulations, steps aside, and the young couple 
turn to face their guests. After the parents of bride and 
bridegroom have offered good wishes, the others come for¬ 
ward. 

After about half an hour, refreshments are served— 
either a buffet meal or one at which guests are seated. 

Women guests wear hats at a house wedding just as 
they do at a church, unless the bride asks them not to do 




186 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


so. Only intimate friends remain to see the bride leave, 
unless there is dancing and the entire party stays to dance 
a little while after the young couple are gone; but generally 
the last of the guests leaves a few minutes after the bride’s 
departure, on the assumption that the family wish to be 
alone. 

While guests are not “received” at a church, the bride’s 
mother, or, if she is not living, some other relative or friend 
delegated to the duty, greets all guests at the house wed¬ 
ding as they come or as they enter the house to the reception 
or breakfast. 

The Country Wedding 

The country wedding is much the same as one in town 
except that the bridal party sometimes dispense with gloves 
in summer and wear thin summer costumes, even the men 
in a garden wedding sometimes defying strict etiquette and 
wearing white. (See also page 17.) 

Hotel Weddings 

People living in hotels may use the offered house of a 
friend or may engage a suite of rooms at the hotel and treat 
it as a private house, with dressing-rooms, a large room 
where the ceremony is held, and private dining-rooms with 
special service provided by the hotel. 

Weddings for Those in Mourning 

If the family of the bride is in mourning the guests at 
the wedding ceremony are confined to a few friends and 
relatives; the bride and bridegroom may each have one at¬ 
tendant, and possibly there may be ushers, but no other 
attendants. If the bridegroom is in deep mourning the 
bride will keep the wedding party small and have a quiet 
wedding out of deference to him and his family. All mourn- 




The Wedding 


187 


ing is laid aside for the day, not even a mourning band being 
used, the bride and her attendant wearing all white and 
older members of the family wearing white, gray or plain 
(not mourning) black. A bridesmaid who is in mourning 
may wear any color for the day, since her costume is re¬ 
garded in the light of a uniform for the occasion. 

A guest in deep mourning either lays it aside for the 
time or goes only into a rear pew or the church gallery, 
where her weeds will not sadden the wedding party. 

If there is serious illness or death, a family may recall 
wedding invitations and have the wedding ceremony privately 
performed on the designated day. 

The Wedding Anniversary 

For an invitation to a wedding anniversary the form of 
the usual wedding invitation is modified as follows: 

1874-1924 

Mr. and Mrs. Ira West 
request the pleasure of 
your company on the 
Fiftieth anniversary of their marriage 
on Wednesday evening, the ninth of July 
at half after nine o’clock 

The favor of an answer 

is requested Fifty-three Easton Avenue 




Chapter XXII 
AFTER THE WEDDING 


T HE custom of making a long wedding journey is less 
popular than formerly. A short stay in the country 
or at the seaside, a honeymoon in the camp of some friend 
or an automobile trip may precede the settling in the new 
home. 

As soon as the bride is settled, if her “at home” cards 
have given no dates, she lets her friends know when she 
may be found at home. Every member of the bridal party 
calls upon the bride’s mother within a few days after the 
ceremony, and upon the bride as soon as she is at home 
to visitors. 

The bride has her first experience as hostess and will 
generally do better to follow local customs at first if she 
has moved from her home town, since old inhabitants resent 
innovations by strangers while they will accept them once 
the bride is established in their own set. This does not 
mean she must not do any novel entertaining, but merely 
that she shall not transgress local social conventions. 

Callers leave cards, and she must return all first calls 
within two weeks even if she neglects to return a second 
call and thereby terminates undesired acquaintanceships. 
She may call first upon elderly or invalid friends and rela¬ 
tions of the bridegroom if they ask her to do so. She will 
make haste slowly in choosing her friends and try to gather 
a group of those she wishes to keep. In small towns the 
neighbors may call, or members of a church she attends, 
or the wives of business associates of her husband may visit 
her, but she can make no initial calls nor force the situation 
beyond offering to do church work such as she did in her 
188 


After the Wedding 


189 


home city or joining some community association to make 
acquaintances. 

The custom of inviting newly-married couples to teas, 
dinners and dances is usual. The young wife is punctilious 
in making necessary formal calls, but at first no return invi¬ 
tations are expected from her and she will do well to make 
her first entertaining informal, until she knows that her 
household will run smoothly and which people will mix. 
Better an informal tea, a small luncheon or a few friends 
invited to an informal dinner than more pretentious efforts 
that do not work out smoothly. 

Older folk will invite the young people with no expec¬ 
tation of return in kind. Mrs. Gregory, social arbiter of 
Woodville, enjoys the opportunity of making the new 
daughter-in-law of her old friend Mrs. Thornton the guest 
of honor at a formal dinner, but she is quite content if, in 
return, young IVdrs. Thornton proves herself a charming and 
courteous guest, says she has had a delightful evening when 
she bids her hostess good-night, calls within two weeks and 
some weeks later telephones to ask Mrs. Gregory to tea 
some afternoon when others of the older set, as well as 
some of the younger women, are to be present. 

The bride is wise who is a good listener rather than a 
constant talker; who is friendly with her husband s friends 
and relatives, trying to overcome any coldness by tactful 
courtesy; who ignores any attempt to discuss her husband’s 
friends, especially his women friends, and does not allow 
gossip about a former “sweetheart” to disconcert her. She 
probably had other men attentive to her before she made 
her choice and should take it as natural that her husband 
liked other girls before he met her. 

Her home background will do much in establishing a 
bride in the esteem of her acquaintances. A shabby, dis- 





190 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


orderly house, a carelessly dressed hostess or one who shows 
a lack of interest in others will keep a bride from being 
welcomed after such conditions become known, quite as much 
as will an over-pretentious house where refinement and cul¬ 
ture are evidently lacking. The simplest home if attractively 
and artistically furnished is far more appealing to guests 
of real discrimination. 




Chapter XXIII 
CHRISTENINGS 


N O FORMAL announcement should be made of births. 

A member of the family usually telephones or tele¬ 
graphs nearest relatives and friends and sends notes to others. 
The custom of sending a tiny card with the baby’s name 
and date of birth fastened to the mother’s card with white 
ribbon is not strictly correct, despite its popularity in many 
communities. 

News may be sent to local newspapers, to appear in the 
society columns, reading: “A son was born to Mr. and Mrs. 
Martin Westgate, of 18 West Terrace, on Tuesday, May 
27th,” and signed by a member of the family. This notice 
will probably read in the paper: “Mr. and Mrs. Martin 
Westgate, of 18 West Terrace, are being congratulated on 
the birth of a son on May 27th.” 

Before the date of the christening, godparents have been 
asked and their acceptance received. They are then told 
the exact time the christening is to take place, and others 
are asked by note or telephone to be present. 

If a godparent is away from town he may accept the 
duty but let the parents know he cannot be present in per¬ 
son at the christening, so that a proxy may be asked to 
take his place. 

Friends who have heard of the baby’s arrival try to call 
and inquire for the mother and child. They may leave 
flowers or send a note of congratulation. Intimate friends 
usually give the mother some little gift for the child, while 
godparents send silver porringer or fork and spoon or bowl, 
marked with the child’s name, date of the christening and 
the words: “From his Godmother (or Godfather), fol¬ 
lowed by the sponsor’s name and the date of the christening. 
191 


192 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


A boy may have two godfathers and a godmother; a girl 
two godmothers and one godfather, but any child may have 
less than the full number. Godparents are responsible for 
the moral welfare of their charges and see that they are 
brought to confirmation, and many godparents follow the 
European custom of regarding themselves as next in author¬ 
ity after the parents, assuming the child’s upbringing in case 
of the death of the parents. 

Christenings may be held in church after the Sunday after¬ 
noon service, invitations usually being extended only to 
sponsors, immediate families and close friends. 

The child, in white dress and cap, is held by a nurse or 
some girl friend. The child’s outer wraps are removed, 
sponsors and parents stand near the font, and the clergy¬ 
man reads the service. Less intimate friends stand farther 
ba:k or occupy the front pews. 

Sponsors should have studied their duties and be ready 
to make responses, and the godmother must be sure of the 
name to be given the child. In fact, it is best to write the 
name out clearly and give it to the clergyman beforehand. 
The godmother takes the child and holds it until she places 
it in the clergyman’s left arm, and, when the latter says, 
“Name this child,” she gives the name slowly and distinctly 
so that he will be sure to get it correctly. After the baptism 
he returns the child to the godmother, who holds it until the 
end of the ceremony. Should there be no sponsor, the mother 
or nurse holds the child during the christening. 

A reception at the home may follow the christening, where 
a buffet meal is served, or there may be a small dinner for 
the sponsors, the baby’s grandparents and other near relatives 
and friends and the officiating clergyman. The baby is 
brought in for but a few minutes at a reception or before the 
dinner. 





Christenings 


193 


Week-day christenings are also correct, and when many 
are invited ushers may show guests to their seats. 

The only difference between a home and church christen¬ 
ing is that the parents receive their guests, have a room at 
the disposal of the clergyman for changing his vestments and 
a motor to take him to and from the house, and the clergy¬ 
man removes his robes before returning as a guest. He is 
always asked to the reception or dinner, and his wife may 
also be invited. He enters the dining-room with the elder 
godmother and is always asked to say a blessing. 

If the baby’s mother is not strong enough to receive her 
guests, her mother or husband’s mother will receive for her 
and she will have a comfortable chair near the font, her 
husband standing beside her. When guests congratulate 
her, she shakes hands but need not rise. As the christening 
no longer must take place within a month but sometimes is 
postponed until the baby is four or six months old, the mother 
is generally able to receive. 

The white christening cake is cut by the baby’s mother 
and a caudle or eggnog may be served and the baby’s health 
offered by one of the godfathers: “Miss Alice Olivia West, 
may she live long and happily.” The guests rise, touch 
glasses and drink the toast. 

A fee to a Protestant clergyman is not obligatory, but it is 
customary for the child’s father to give a check to be devoted 
to charity, and with it he offers a new bill or gold piece to 
the clergyman, five to twenty dollars, depending on his means. 
In the Roman Catholic Church there is a fixed fee, the 
donation being optional. 


13 





Chapter XXIV 
FUNERALS 


W HEN a death occurs in a family, the shades are drawn 
and a servant or intimate friend answers the bell and 
telephone and receives all messages. An undertaker is noti¬ 
fied and an appointment made with him to arrange all de¬ 
tails, a member of the family or friend consulting with the 
chief mourner to get an idea of what is desired. This friend 
or relative then makes definite arrangements with the under¬ 
taker and has a clear understanding as to service and charges 
so there may be no annoyance later. 

The undertaker’s first duty is to place flowers, wreath or 
crape on the door, white being used for young people, violet 
or black or dark wreath for older folk. 

The clergyman is telephoned to or somebody calls on him 
and arranges for the hour of service, and any special re¬ 
marks, hymns or readings are noted. Pallbearers are asked, 
and only illness or absence from the city permits refusal to 
serve. Only close friends or business associates are asked 
for this service, older men sometimes being asked for honor¬ 
ary service while younger men give active service. Six or 
eight are asked for the latter, but six to twelve may be asked 
for the former when a person of prominence has died. 

The friend in charge sends notes or telephone messages or 
telegrams to those who should be notified; he also sends 
notices to the newspapers or writes these out for the under¬ 
taker to see to. If only the immediate family is to be 
present, the notice gives no time or place for funeral, say¬ 
ing, “Funeral private.” “It is requested that no flowers be 
sent” is a usual request, and only nearest friends may ignore 
this. If no such words appear, friends follow their own 
194 


Funerals 


195 


inclination, and may send flowers with their personal card 
attached and the words “With deepest sympathy” written 
across it, the flowers addressed “In care of” the chief 
mourner and arriving a few hours before the funeral. 

If newspapers in other cities are asked to “please copy,” 
as is done for persons well known in the other cities, bills for 
such notices are sent the family by these papers unless ar¬ 
rangements were made to have the undertaker handle such 
matters. 

The undertaker tells pallbearers what their duties will be 
when they assemble at the time and place they have been 
asked to appear, and he sometimes supplies their gloves. 
They usually gather at the house and go to the church in 
motors provided for them, standing aside with hats off when 
the casket is carried past them out of the house by the under¬ 
taker’s men. Custom varies as to whether they or paid 
attendants shall carry the casket into the church, but they 
always carry it from the church to the waiting hearse, or 
from the house to the hearse when the funeral has been a 
house service. No pallbearers are asked to serve for a child, 
but sometimes school friends follow as a group. 

Friends gather in the church a short time before the 
appointed hour and take their places quietly. They wear 
dark clothing, but not mourning. If ushers serve, they do 
not offer their arms in escorting ladies to their pews. Pall¬ 
bearers wear black cutaway or frock coats, black trousers and 
waistcoat, white linen, black tie, shoes and gloves and high 
hat. 

When the funeral cortege reaches the church the doors 
are closed while all is put in readiness in the vestibule; then 
the doors are opened and those present rise as the procession 
passes down the aisle. The immediate family are directly 
behind the casket, the front pews being reserved for them 




196 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


and for the pallbearers, who sit to the left. Old family 
servants follow and are given reserved pews. 

In leaving, the mourners follow the casket in the same 
order that they entered except that the honorary pallbearers 
precede the casket. In a large city only intimate friends 
accompany the family to the cemetery, even pallbearers not 
always going; in the country it is customary for people to go 
to the cemetery, and the clergyman usually goes. Carriages 
are provided for the family, pallbearers and the clergyman, 
from house to church, church to cemetery and back to the 
house. 

If the funeral is in the country, train cards are sent friends 
or they are advised that a car is reserved at a certain station 
to leave at a certain hour. Motors are sent to meet this 
train and carry those who come directly to the funeral and 
then take them back to the train for the return trip. 

Fees 

While no fee is demanded by the clergyman, it is usual 
to send a fee of ten dollars or more. The offering for 
Catholic church services is fixed, but no priest would refuse 
to officiate if a family were really too poverty-stricken to pay 
the usual amount. A carriage is always provided to take 
the clergyman to and from the funeral. Sexton and singers 
and organist are paid, the person in charge of arrangements 
seeing to this and also arranging the musical service. 

The House Service 

When a funeral service is conducted in the home, the un¬ 
dertaker supplies chairs and sees that the casket is in place 
and an open space left for the officiating clergyman. Either 
he or some friend of the family sees to the flowers being 




Funerals 


197 


arranged, and the friend takes all cards from flowers and 
may note on the back of each what flowers were sent, be¬ 
cause the family may later wish to know. 

If there is music it is at enough distance not to be too 
loud. The door is opened by an attendant without waiting 
for the bell to be rung, and friends come in quietly and seat 
themselves at once. When the service is over they rise and 
wait until the cortege has gone out, unless asked to go first. 
They follow their inclination about going up if the casket 
is open. 

The immediate family, ready-dressed to go to the cemetery, 
as a rule listens from upstairs or from an adjoining room. 

Some friend generally stays behind and sees that shades are 
raised. All flowers not taken along are sent to hospitals (ex¬ 
cepting set pieces), chairs are removed by the undertakers 
men, and all vestiges of the sad rites are removed before the 
family comes home. Somebody sees that light, warm food 
is ready for the nervously exhausted family on their return, 
and friends who must wait for trains or take long motor 
trips are also offered warm food. 

Mourning 

Mourning is ordered sent from a local shop or some friend 
sees to it, as the women members of the family do not leave 
the house before the funeral service, if possible to avoid doing 
so. Customs vary, and we see less deep mourning worn than 
formerly, people being guided by their own wishes or by the 
expressed wishes of the departed, who sometimes ask that 
no outward signs of mourning be shown for them. In that 
case those who are left wear dull black or dark colors and, in 
summer, wear white (but not black and white). The best 
local shops will send somebody to consult as to costumes. 
Many persons no longer allow children to wear mourning, 




198 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


because of its depressing effect, letting them wear white until 
after the funeral. 

Black furs and sealskin are worn with deep mourning, as 
are diamond or pearl brooches, but not colored stones. 

A widower wears black, with black or gray tie and gloves, 
and a black mourning band on his hat. Although frowned 
upon by some authorities, the mourning band on the coat 
sleeve is worn by many men who are supposed to know what 
is correct, especially by those who prefer the soft hat, on 
which the wide mourning band is impracticable. 

No one in deep mourning appears at theater, dance, dinner 
or reception or in a restaurant where social gatherings are 
held, there being plenty of quiet dining-rooms which they 
may use. Many persons go to lectures, concerts and matinees 
after a month, and men sometimes go to small dinners and 
pay visits after that time, but women who have lost a very 
near relative seldom go out socially for six months and do 
not attend formal functions for a year. (For Weddings 
and Mourning, see page 186.) 

The advice of the best local stationer should be sought as 
to current forms of mourning stationery and cards, the 
width of black border varying according to closeness of rela¬ 
tionship and decreasing as time passes. 

Cards and notes of condolence may be acknowledged by 
sending one’s personal card with mourning border and en¬ 
velope to match, with a few words: “Thank you for all your 
sympathy,” or “With grateful appreciation of your kind 
sympathy.” 

Or, if hundreds of messages must be acknowledged, a 
black-bordered card may be engraved: 

Mrs. Alexander Gerry 
wishes to express grateful appreciation 
of your kind expressions of sympathy 




Funerals 


199 


Sometimes a member of the family writes a few lines, and 
to a close friend such a note would be sent rather than an 
engraved form: 

Father is too ill to write, but wants me to thank you in his 
name, for the beautiful flowers and kind message. 




Chapter XXV 
TRAVEL 


T HE traveler who desires comfort should make train, 
boat and hotel reservations in advance so that he may 
obtain desirable accommodations. If he makes last-minute 
plans, he must accept the best offered and not complain. 

Heavy luggage should be sent to the train and checked 
through on the baggage car, the traveler carrying only an 
over-night bag and, possibly, a suit-case, but the lady in a city 
station who has more than the one small bag gets a “red¬ 
cap” or other porter to carry her bags from cab to train. 

Traveling clothes are such as one would wear on a shop¬ 
ping tour, plainly tailored suit or plain silk dress and no 
jewels. On a short journey a lady retains her hat and 
gloves; on a long trip she takes both off, though she usually 
wears a hat to the dining-car. 

She carries her own toilet requisites and wears in her 
berth a dark silk robe, so that in case of accident she can step 
out looking dressed, and she has a kimono or similar robe to 
wear over this when going to the washroom. Many experi¬ 
enced travelers dress in their berths and step out fully 
drsssed and with hair neatly arranged. Of course, in state¬ 
room or drawing-room one may dress in comfort, but where 
one woman enjoys that convenience a dozen do not. A 
gentleman wears a coat in going to the washroom and does 
not use the aisle for a dressing-room. 

Travel Conventions 

If a gentleman does some little service for a woman travel¬ 
ing alone or on a long journey encounters her frequently, 
he may bow and speak if she seems willing to make “train 

200 


Travel 


201 


acquaintance,” but he must not presume on such an acquaint¬ 
ance to offer to pay for meals, magazines or other purchases, 
and, once at their destination, should not expect to be recog¬ 
nized after he leaves the train unless they find mutual friends 
to introduce them formally. 

Neither gentleman nor lady will discuss private affairs with 
persons met on trains, nor will they talk with friends so 
that they can be overheard. A lady may accept an invita¬ 
tion to a meal on a train if she meets a gentleman of her 
acquaintance, quite as she would to a restaurant, but she 
should not accept that courtesy more than once on a journey, 
and if they have any future meals together he should permit 
her to pay her share, her only concession being that he may 
tip the waiter for both. Similarly, he may buy fruit, maga¬ 
zines or any other article at her request, but allows her to 
refund for such outlays. 

A young girl is not supposed to travel unchaperoned, but if 
she is obliged to do so she should be most careful in making 
acquaintances, either men or women, should appeal to the 
Pullman conductor for any information or aid she needs, 
and should not take advice or aid from a casual stranger if 
she is not met at her destination. A representative of the 
Traveler’s Aid is at all large stations to help women in just 
such emergencies, and there is generally an information booth 
to recommend a safe cab-line, or a uniformed cab-starter for 
recognized lines is present. 

Train Tips 

The Pullman porter expects a tip of 25 cents for each 
day or part thereof, with extra pay for extra service, such 
as sending telegrams, making up berths at odd hours, etc. 
The man who carries bags to the train expects 10 cents for 
a single bag, while a quarter is enough for three that are 




202 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


small and light-weight. The waiter in the dining-car may be 
tipped 15 cents for a light breakfast, but a quarter is given 
for luncheon or dinner service, or a little over once and a 
half that for two persons dining together. 

The woman traveler visiting friends should be met at the 
station. If she is not, she gives her luggage checks to the 
transfer company and lets the “red-cap” put her hand-lug¬ 
gage in a cab, or she takes only her small bag in a street¬ 
car to her destination, letting the express company send out 
heavy bags with her trunks, and sent, if possible, prepaid. 

At the Hotel 

A lady writes or telegraphs in advance for hotel reserva¬ 
tions. Some hotels do not receive women who arrive alone 
at night without having made advance reservations. The 
letter or telegram should give date and approximate hour 
of arrival, and state whether room with or without bath 
is desired, or a suite of bedroom, sitting-room and bath, and 
whether maid or children accompany her. If she is to stay 
some time she should note that fact, as many hotels reserve 
certain floors for those who stay a week or longer. 

On arriving at a hotel a boy takes one’s bags and the 
traveler goes to the desk and registers, saying to the clerk as 
he signs, “I wrote for a room with bath (or suite) several 
days ago.” 

A lady signs herself as her name appears on her visiting 
card: “Miss Rosalie Gates” or “Mrs. Thomas Wood Gates,” 
with town and State. A gentleman signing for himself alone 
would not put “Mr.” before his name, but when his wife is 
with him he signs: “Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Wood Gates,” 
with place of residence, and might add on the next line: 
“Three children, maid and nurse.” But if the children are 
over fifteen years old the name of each is entered or several 




Travel 


203 


daughters are grouped as: “The Misses Gates.” Never sign 
“Thomas Wood Gates and wife” or “and family.” 

The bell-boy takes the room keys and hand luggage, lead¬ 
ing the way to the rooms, opens windows and sees that the 
bathroom door is open and doors to neighboring suites locked. 
He expects 10 cents for each bag carried, or less if he has 
several small ones, and if ice-water is ordered he is tipped 
separately for that, and for each separate service during a 
guest’s stay. The chambermaid gets 25 cents or more a day 
for a short stay, but is put on a weekly basis for a long stay. 
The porter who brings up trunks is also tipped. 

A lady alone does not receive men visitors in her private 
sitting-room, but entertains them in one of the small public 
parlors. Hotel stationery is not used for personal notes, a 
traveler carrying a small supply of note paper with him for 
personal use. 

In the Hotel Restaurant 

At the more pretentious hotels the waiter expects a quarter 
for serving a simple breakfast or luncheon and 35 to 40 
cents for a meal costing under $3.00, with a ten per cent 
basis above that amount. 

The newcomer waits in the doorway and gets the eye of 
the head waiter, who seats him. The guest takes the place 
assigned unless it is draughty or otherwise objectionable, in 
which case he asks quietly for another location, stating his 
reason. 

A woman under no obligation to the head waiter need 
not tip him, but if she entertains much or demands other 
extra service from him, she should tip him generously before 
she leaves or at the time the service is demanded. A guest 
who stays long may tip his waiter once a day or a 
couple of times a week at a lower rate than does the tran- 




204 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


sient guest. In less pretentious hotels 10-cent and 15-cent 
tips may be given for breakfast and luncheon service, but in 
few houses can less than a quarter be given for even the 
most modest dinner service by the transient. Guests who 
stay some time may sign their meal checks and pay them 
with their room bills. 

When entertaining in a restaurant, the host or hostess ar¬ 
ranges beforehand with the head waiter for a table, selects 
the menu and either pays the check before or arranges to pay 
it later, so guests see nothing of the financial arrangements. 
A dinner party gathers in one of the hotel parlors, and the 
host leads the way with the guest of honor. If a lady gives 
the dinner, some gentleman is asked to act as host and lead 
the way, and she enters last on the arm of the gentleman 
she chooses to honor. 

Foreign Words and Phrases 
Frequently Found on Menus 

A, au y aux, a la, a le —In the style of. For instance, ‘‘chicken a la 
Maryland” is chicken, Maryland style, which happens to be 
jointed, dipped in flour, egg and bread crumbs, baked and 
served with white sauce. 

A VAnglais —English style, just as “a la Russe” is Russian style. 

A la carte —According to the bill of fare. (“Table d’hote” has 
opposite meaning.) 

A la minute —Taking but a minute to prepare. 

A nanas —Pineapples. 

Anisette —Anise seed; also, an anise-seed cordial. 

A rtichauts —Artichokes. 

Aspic —A savory jelly in which meat, fish or vegetables are served. 
Au beurre —Buttered. 

Au four —Baked. 

Au gratin —Dressed with baked or sauteed bread crumbs; or, in the 
case of macaroni and a few other foods, with grated cheese. 

Au jus —Served in its own juice (usually noted with roast beef). 
Baba —A soft cake. 

Banane —Banana. 




Travel 


205 


Bar-le-duc —A preserve (usually of gooseberries or currants and 
eaten with cream cheese). 

Bechamel —A rich white sauce made with stock. 

Beignets —Fritters. 

Beit erases —Beets. 

Beurre —Butter. 

Biscottes —Rusks. 

Biscuit —Biscuit; also, sponge cake. 

Biscuit Tortoni —An ice-cream made with crumbled macaroons. 
Bisque —A rich meat or fish soup; also, a rich ice-cream made with 
macaroon or other cake crumbs. 

Blanc —White, as “blanc de volaille”: white meat of poultry. 
Blanquette —Stew with melted butter; “blanquettes de veau”: veal 
stew. 

Bceuf —Beef. 

Bomhe glace —A mold lined with an ice or ice-cream, the center 
filled with charlotte russe mixture and frozen. 

Bordure —Border, of meat, vegetables or garniture. 

Bouchees —Patties or tarts (literally: mouthfuls). 

Bouillon —A clear, seasoned soup, usually of beef, chicken or clams. 
Braise —Braised (stewed and then baked). 

Brioche —A light bun made with eggs, milk and yeast. 

Brocket, Brochette —Skewered. 

Cafe au lait —Coffee and boiled milk. 

CafS noir —Black coffee. 

Caille —Quail. 

Canape —A substitute for the oyster course; small pieces of toasted or 
sauteed bread, covered with a spicy mixture of eggs, cheese, 
meat or fish. 

Canard —Duck. 

Cannelon —Stuffed and rolled-up meat. 

Carre —Square. 

Carte du jour —Menu for the day. 

Casserole —Earthen pot; “en casserole”: cooked in a casserole. 
Cerises —Cherries. 

Champignons —Mushrooms. 

Charlotte —Fruit or beaten cream enclosed in a ring of bread crumbs 
or cake. Charlotte Russe is beaten cream in sponge cake mold; 
apple charlotte, a mixture of bread crumbs and apples baked. 
Chateaubriand —Broiled fillet served with a Spanish sauce. 





206 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


Chaudfroid —Game, meat or hard boiled eggs served in aspic with 
a mayonnaise or a French dressing (oil and vinegar and 
spices). 

Chiffonade— Means, literally, “in rags.” Minced meats with rice; 
minced vegetables in a salad. 

Chives —An herb with an onion flavor. 

Compote —Stewed fruit. 

Con fit, confiture —Preserves. 

Consomme —Clear soup or bouillon boiled down until very strong. 

Cotelettes —Cutlets. 

Coupe —Cup: a frozen dessert served in a cup. Coupe St. Jacques is 
a lemon ice with fruit and maraschino, served in a cup or tall 
glass. 

Courge —Pumpkin. 

Creme —Cream; also used as part of name of cordials: creme de 
menthe, etc. 

Crevettes —Shrimps. 

Croquette —Minced fish, meat or fowl shaped, dipped in bread 
crumbs and fried. The word is also used to mean shaped like 
a croquette, as “chocolate croquettes.” 

Croustade —Fried form of bread on which meat or fish is served. 

Croutons —Tiny squares or strips of bread browned in the oven for 
a soup garnish. (If served separately, a spoonful should be put 
in soup.) 

Cuit —Cooked. 

Demi-tasse —Literally, a half cup. Used to denote small after-dinner 
cup of coffee. 

Dindon —Turkey. 

Ecrevisses —Crabs or crawfish. 

Fmince —Hash or hashed. 

En coquille —Served in shells. 

Entree —A small dish served between two main courses at dinner. 

Entremets —Side dishes, relishes. 

Escargots —Snails. 

Escarole —Endive. 

Farci —Stuffed. 

Filet —A joint, fillet, slice of tenderloin of meat or breast of fowl. 

Fines herbes —Herbs, parsley, sage, etc. 

Fondant —Sugar boiled and beaten to a creamy paste, used for candy 
fillings and with rich desserts. 





Travel 


207 


Fondue —A preparation of melted cheese on toast. 

Fraises —Strawberries. 

Frappe —Water ice frozen to consistency of mush. 

French dressing —Salad dressing of oil, vinegar, salt, pepper and 
sometimes mustard or paprika. 

Fricandeau —Larded meat or fish served as an entree. 

Galantine —Poultry, fish or meat flavored with herbs, boned, boiled, 
cooled and served in its own juice. 

Gateaux —Cakes. Petits gateaux —Small cakes. 

Gelee —Jelly or jellied. 

Glace —Chilled, iced, glazed (bonbons), frosted (cakes). 

Grape de raisins —Bunch of grapes. 

Grille —Grilled. 

Hachis —Hashed, minced. 

Haricot de mouton— Irish stew. Haricot de viande— Meat stew. 
Haricots —Beans. 

Hollandaise sauce—A rich sauce tasting like a hot mayonnaise. 

Hors d ' oeuvre —A relish preceding the soup, frequently in a canap6. 
Huile —Oil. 

Huitres —Oysters. 

Jamb on —Ham. 

Jardiniere —Garden style, the vegetables being served with the meat 
dish. 

Julienne—A meat and vegetable soup, thin. 

Macedoine —Marinated vegetable salad, the vegetables usually 
shredded. 

Maitre d’hotel— The steward; also, the name of a favorite butter 
sauce; also often applied to any dish specialty concocted by the chef. 
Marine —Pickled, marinated. 

Marrons glaces —Candied chestnuts. 

Mayonnaise —A rich salad dressing made with egg, oil, etc. 
Meringue— Sugar and white of egg beaten stiff, usually used as a 
cake or pie dressing and baked a delicate brown on top; also, 
meringue shell filled with ice-cream. 

Miroton —Cold meat warmed in various ways and served in cir¬ 
cular form. . . 

Mousse— Heavy cream, beaten stiff, flavored and packed in ice to 
harden before serving. (Is not beaten while freezing as is ice 
cream.) 

Moutarde —Mustard. 





208 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


Mouton —Mutton. 

Noisettes —Nuts, or nut-shaped; also, small fillets. 

Oie —Goose. 

Oignons — Onions. 

CEufs —Eggs. 

Fain —Bread. 

Pane —Breaded. 

Panache —Mixed; usually refers to a dish made up of two or more 
ingredients. 

Paprika —Hungarian sweet red pepper. 

Parfait —Literally, perfect; usually used for a frozen sweet with 
syrups. 

Pate —A pastry (as: pate de fois gras—a pastry containing fattened 
goose livers). 

Peche —Peach. 

Petits fours —Fancy cakes or biscuits. 

Petits pois —Green peas. 

Pilau —Turkish dish of meat and rice. 

Piquante —A sauce of several flavors, acid predominating. 

Poire —Pear. 

Poisson —Fish. 

Poitrine de bceuf —Brisket of beef. 

Polenta —An Italian mush of ground chestnuts or Indian meal. 
Pomme —Apple. 

Pomme de terre —Potato (literally: earth apple). 

Pommes en cage —Apple dumplings. 

Potage —A thick soup. 

Pot-au-feu —Boiled beef with broth. 

Poulet —Chicken. 

Poussin —Young chicken. 

Printaniere —Spring style, usually meat served with green vegetables. 
Puree —Thick vegetable soup. 

Quenelles —Forcemeat with eggs, bread and seasoning, shaped in 
small ovals, poached and used as separate dish or garnish. 
Ragout —Rich stew of meat and brown sauce, sometimes vegetables 
stewed with the meat. 

Raisins —Grapes. 

Raisins sec —Raisins. 

Ramequin —A small, single-portion baking dish; or, pastry shell used 
as a ramequin. 





Travel 


209 


Ravigote —Sauce with shallots. 

Rechauffe —Any reheated dish. 

Remoulade —Similar to mayonnaise except that eggs are hard-boiled 
and mixed in a mortar with mustard and the other ingredients. 
Ris de <veau —Sweetbreads. 

Rissole —Minced meat or fish, rolled in pastry and fried. 

Rognons —Kidneys. 

Rot, Roti —A roast, usually of meat. 

Rotie —Toast. Rotie au heurre —Buttered toast. 

Roux —Mixture of butter and flour for thickening soups. 

Salade —Salad. 

Salmi— Ragout of game, half roasted, cut up and stewed. 

Sauqisson —Sausage. 

Saute —Sauteed: quickly fried in butter or other fine grease. 

Sec —Dry. 

Sorbet (Italian: sorbetto)— A sherbet. 

Souffle —Puffed (often applied to a light, well-beaten omelette, which 
is also sometimes sweetened). 

Supreme —The best portion of any meat, as: beef tenderloin, breast 
of fowl, etc. Sometimes used to designate a fancy ice or special 
dessert. 

Sur planchette— Planked (as: planked fish). 

Table d'hote—A complete menu at fixed price, little or no choice 
being allowed. 

Tartare —Acid, as sauce tartare. 

Tarte— Tart. Tartelette—A little tart. 

Timbale—A pastry in a mold form for filling. 

Torte (German)—A rich cake made from cake crumbs, eggs and 
almonds. 

Tranche —Slice. Tranche —Sliced. 

Tranche de lard —Rasher of bacon. 

Truffles —A species of fungus used in seasoning and as a garnish. 
Tutti-frutti —Ice-cream of mixed fruits. 

Veau —Veal. 

Volaille —Poultry. 

Volatile —Little birds, such as quail, pigeons, etc. 

Vol-au-vent —Patties of light puff paste, made without a mold and 
filled with meat, fish or preserves. 


[Note .—A number of the 
double e—(ee)—final, 
14 


above words may be found on menus with 
when modifying words of feminine gender.] 


a 





210 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


Steamer Travel 

The etiquette of travel is much the same on a steamer as on 
a train. On coastwise trips, where one has no permanent 
seat at table, the waiter is tipped at each meal. On a longer 
voyage seats are assigned by the dining-room steward (and do 
not object to ‘‘second table”—many seasoned travelers prefer 
the later meal hours) and waiters are tipped at the end of the 
trip. 

People dress plainly on transatlantic vessels, and the more 
socially exclusive persons make no display of jewels or finery 
even on the vessels on which one is supposed to wear evening 
dress to dinner. The women wear very simple and conserva¬ 
tive evening or afternoon dress, and gentlemen wear cuta¬ 
ways or Tuxedos, not full dress. On the smaller vessels 
many men wear dark business suits, and the women after¬ 
noon dresses, at the dinner hour. 

People are supposed to bow to those next them at table 
each morning and evening, and they may exchange general 
comments. They may speak to those whose deck-chairs are 
next to theirs, but should not intrude on persons who evi¬ 
dently prefer keeping to themselves, and should not claim 
land acquaintance on the basis of steamer acquaintance unless 
sure this is desired. 

Tips on a steamer may be roughly reckoned as slightly 
above ten per cent of the price of the ticket. The following 
are average amounts, being rather lower on unpretentious 
boats and higher on the most expensive liners: 


Room steward or stewardess. $5.00 

Deck steward. 3.00 to $5.00 

Bath steward or stewardess. 2.00 to 5.00 

Dining-room steward. 5.00 

Lounge steward. 2.00 to 3.00 


(This last only if books, stationery, etc., have been asked for.) 










Travel 


211 


The person who makes no demands on the deck steward 
pays the minimum amount, but always tips him, since he sees 
after chairs, rugs, etc.; but the bath steward is not tipped if 
one does not need his services. The orchestra usually gives 
a concert for charity, and a couple of dollars should be do¬ 
nated to that. The man who carries luggage aboard is tipped 
at the time the service is rendered. 

If the services of the ship’s doctor have been required, some 
lines permit him to send a bill; others leave it to a passenger’s 
option. In the latter case a minimum of $3.00 should be 
sent him, with an average of $2.50 for several visits. This 
is put in an addressed envelope and entrusted to the purser. 

On leaving the steamer it is courteous to say good-by to the 
captain and all officers with whom one has come in contact, 
although on lines where officers have nothing to do with the 
passengers this is unnecessary. 

When Abroad 

Since foreigners can judge America only by the Americans 
they encounter, we should be doubly careful that we are as 
well-mannered abroad as at home; yet many Americans in¬ 
dulge in loud and vulgar behavior from the moment they 
step on shipboard until they are home again and thus create 
an unfortunate idea of American manners. 

Women traveling alone must be especially careful to write 
in advance for rooms at hotels and pensions, since European 
women of better families do not travel alone, and while 
Europeans now understand that respectable American women 
do so, care must be taken to maintain one’s dignity at all 
times to avoid misunderstandings. No young girl should 
travel unchaperoned in Europe, and while several together 
frequently do so, that cannot be considered as within the 
bounds of “etiquette.” 




212 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


Remember that passports and luggage must be examined 
each time a frontier is crossed and that on entering England 
dogs must go through quarantine. 

Many persons in America have the courtesy to say “Good 
morning” to their waiter and on entering shops, but in 
Europe this is almost obligatory, and while they may not 
understand our words, they do grasp the meaning. 

Both in Europe and America the traveler does well to 
utilize the hotel service in buying railroad tickets and berths, 
transferring luggage and hiring motors for special trips. On 
arrival at a hotel the porter will take trunk checks and 
have all luggage taken to the rooms and transport charged 
on one’s bill. 

The person traveling with hand luggage only is sometimes 
asked to pay for his room in advance. Hotel men are shrewd 
readers of character, and this request seldom comes to the 
average traveler; but as one canny old Scotch hotel-keeper 
said, “Never offer to pay in advance and never refuse or be 
offended if you are asked to do so. The hotel may just have 
suffered a run of bad luck with seeming gentlefolk who did 
not pay, so you have no right to feel offense.” 

And remember that in travel a smile and courteous request 
gain good-will that no amount of tipping will purchase. The 
courteous person who can fee but modestly gets better serv¬ 
ice than does the person who thinks to salve insolence with 
big tips. 


Pension, Lodging and Boarding-House 

Whether in an American boarding-house, French pension 
or English lodgings, the guest should be courteous to all, 
but extend intimacy to none. When people sit at the same 
table they greet each other, but are slow to force further 
acquaintance. Bedroom and dining-room attendants are 




Travel 


213 


tipped once or twice a week, the total tips equaling a trifle 
over ten per cent of one’s bill. 

Ladies do not entertain men guests in their rooms even if 
they have a private sitting-room, unless other women are 
present, and even then late hours are never kept. 




Chapter XXVI 

AUTOMOBILE AND CARRIAGE COURTESY 


TN a motor, as out of it, well-mannered people are con- 
siderate of the rights of others. Such consideration would 
naturally prevent a driver from parking where he blocks an 
entrance walk; from speeding in city streets or frequented 
country roads; from driving with one light so that his car 
may be mistaken for a motorcycle; from starting ahead with 
speed on the “go ahead” signal without giving pedestrians 
time to get out of the road; from tooting horns instead of 
ringing door-bells to call people, and from doing the thou¬ 
sand and one inconsiderate and dangerous acts that some¬ 
times make us wonder whether some motorists leave their 
good manners and good sense at home when they go driving. 

Seating Rules 

A lady keeps the right-hand seat in her own car except, 
obviously, when she is driving, and only for the most dis¬ 
tinguished guest would she relinquish her place: the wife of 
the President or of the Governor, for instance. A gentle¬ 
man gives the right-hand rear seat to a lady, either in his 
own car or carriage or in a taxi, and a lady is not seated 
on a gentleman’s left in any vehicle, since in Europe the left- 
hand seat is offered only to a woman of doubtful reputation; 
wherefore an American does not lay a lady open to being 
misjudged by anyone having the European viewpoint. 

Young Folk and Motors 

A young girl may motor about the country with a young 
man in the daytime, but she does not go with him unchap¬ 
eroned after nightfall nor do they stop for meals at road¬ 
houses. 


214 


Automobile and Carriage Courtesy 


215 


Young people going out together in the evening should 
have a chaperon. In many communities several young people 
are permitted to go together in a motor to some evening 
party, the parents counting on numbers as substitute for a 
chaperon, and insisting that “the last girl home” shall be 
accompanied by some masculine relative or that two girls who 
live near together shall be last. But while this is widely 
accepted local custom it is not “etiquette.” 

When the Car Waits or Returns 

When paying a call one’s motor waits, drawing away 
from the walk and turning, ready to drive up when the 
house door opens for the departing guest. The chauffeur 
has the door open and stands waiting to close it when the 
occupants are settled and have given their orders. 

At theater, dance or opera the carriage-opener gives the 
gentleman of a party a carriage number and repeats this 
to the driver, telling him when to return, or the gentleman 
may give his order for return. When the party is ready 
to leave, the gentleman gives the carriage-man the number, 
which is then called, and when the motor draws up the door 
is held open for the party to enter, the carriage-man being 
tipped by the gentleman who is last to enter. 

Guests invited to dinner and theater may ask if they may 
have their cars call back to take the party from dinner to 
theater or from theater to supper or dance, but a compara¬ 
tive stranger, invited for the first time, would not make such 
an offer unless he was very sure it would be acceptable to 
his hosts, nor would it be made to people who had a number 
of cars or a motor coach for such purposes. (See page 58.) 

House Guests 

House guests are met at the train, especially in the country, 
although the hostess does not drive down to meet men 




216 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


guests, but sends the car for them. When people go to the 
country to a wedding or funeral they are told what train to 
take (and may be given train cards that serve in lieu of 
tickets) and are met at the train and taken back for the 
return train. 


Motor Touring 

When invited to make a tour, the guest should take as 
little luggage as possible, a dressing-bag large enough to hold 
a complete change being all most cars can accommodate for 
each of the guests. Extra changes may be expressed from 
home to meet travelers at certain points en route and soiled 
clothing expressed back home. 

On an invitation trip the host pays all hotel bills and for 
any refreshment taken, and, of course, all supplies for the 
car. The guest pays for any small personal expenditures 
and is careful not to do anything that may add extras to his 
host’s bill. He makes the best of inconveniences suffered, 
keeps his eyes and ears open and his mouth closed in case 
of accident, and never offers unsolicited advice or “drives 
from the back seat.” 

If friends are asked to share a trip or make arrangements 
to carry expenses on shares, the guests pay their own hotel 
and restaurant bills and one person is deputed to keep track 
of gasoline, oil, repairs, etc., and these are paid pro rata at 
stated intervals. 

When touring, many persons are forced to camp some¬ 
times, and others could manage the tour in no other fashion. 
But when tourists stop at hotels they should freshen up 
before going into the dining-room, and most women can 
have at least one soft silk dress that takes little space in a 
suitcase and will keep them from being conspicuously shabby 
when entering a roomful of well-dressed people. 




Automobile and Carriage Courtesy 217 


At camp, either by the roadside or in a tourist camp, 
parties should show the same consideration that they would 
in a house, clearing up all litter before they leave and going 
about their daily affairs quietly. Courtesy, but not familiar¬ 
ity with strangers, should be the rule of the tourist camper. 

When going abroad, the American Automobile Association 
(of New York) accepts blanket deposits for members and 
thus assumes responsibility that relieves travelers from pay¬ 
ing deposits on customs duties in each European country. 




Chapter XXVII 
TELEPHONE ETIQUETTE 


C OMMON sense has sanctioned the use of the telephone 
in issuing all informal invitations, but some hostesses 
prefer the written invitation because it obviates all possible 
misunderstandings, while others send a little confirmatory 
note for the same reason, after an invitation has been given 
and accepted by telephone. 

Besides being a time-saver, the telephone makes possible 
special arrangements that would be difficult in an inter¬ 
change of notes. For instance, if Mrs. Gregory telephones 
to ask Mr. and Mrs. Young to spend a week-end at her 
country place, the latter might reply that she is sorry but 
that Mr. Young will have to be back in town for an im¬ 
portant business engagement at nine o’clock on Monday 
morning and he could not get back from Rockmere in time 
for that. 

It will then be easy enough for Mrs. Gregory to say 
that they could come anyway and take the eight o’clock train 
back on Sunday night, or, if she wants guests who will 
stay over, she can say she is “so sorry and they must come 
some other time.” But if Mrs. Young had received her 
invitation by mail and replied in the same fashion, a cumber- 
somely long correspondence would have been required to 
settle a point that took two minutes over the telephone. 

But if the matter is settled by telephone Mrs. Gregory 
will do well to send a note saying: 

My dear Mrs. Young: 

We are expecting you and Mr. Young at Rockmere on Fri¬ 
day afternoon. A good train leaves the Pennsylvania Station 
at 4:15 and there is another at 4:37, either of which brings 
218 


Telephone Etiquette 


219 


you here before six. We will meet both trains and will also 
see that you get the 8:00 p. m. train on Sunday night as we 
planned. Sincerely yours, 

Anna Gregory. 

If a servant answers the telephone, Mrs. Gregory says, 
“Is this Laurel 5746?” and upon receiving an affirmative 
answer, continues: “Will you ask if Mr. and Mrs. Young 
will spend the week-end from Friday afternoon, June sixth, 
to the following Monday, at Rockmere with Mrs. Gregory?” 
The speaker may add her telephone number. 

After conveying the message to Mrs. Young, the servant 
calls up Mrs. Gregory’s home and says: “Will you please 
tell Mrs. Gregory that Mr. and Mrs. Young will be pleased 
to come to Rockmere on Friday the sixth and thank her for 
asking them.” Or the message may say that they “are sorry 
they will be unable to spend the coming week-end at Rock¬ 
mere because of a previous engagement.” 

The same general forms are used for invitations to lunch¬ 
eon, informal dinner, a dance, theater or cards. 

As only the family and a few intimate friends are asked 
to a christening and invitations are always informal, they 
may well be telephoned, asking guests to come to the baby’s 
christening at a given time and place. What , when and 
where are the three essentials in a telephoned invitation. 

A guest in a house should, after making a long-distance 
call, get the operator again and find out the cost so that he 
may reimburse his host. 

A lady who has been a house-guest may telephone or tele¬ 
graph her safe arrival home, but this does not excuse the 
sending of a note of appreciation. 

Friends may be notified of a death by telephone and pall¬ 
bearers asked, but notes should be sent the latter on accept¬ 
ance, telling when and where they will be expected to serve. 




220 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


Anybody called from a dinner or other social group by a 
telephone message turns to the hostess and says, “Please 
excuse me,” as he rises to go. 

When a Telephone Is Not Used 

No formal invitation is sent by telephone. 

No formal invitation is accepted or declined by telephone. 

No written invitation is answered by telephone unless a 
telephone reply is requested. 

Notice of an engagement or marriage is not telephoned to 
a newspaper, but some member of the family writes a signed 
note to the society editor. 

Conversations on private matters are not conducted over a 
telephone if avoidable, since “listening in” is always possible. 

Business Courtesy and Telephones 

When calling a person to the telephone it is discourteous to 
have a servant or secretary call and then say: “Mr. Jones? 
Hold the wire. Mr. Smith wishes to speak to you.” Unless 
Mr. Smith is a very important personage or an invalid or 
Mr. Jones’ employer (in which case he has a right to 
dispose of the latter’s time) it is an impertinence for Mr. 
Smith to save his time at the expense of that of the person 
he calls. Only when repeated efforts have made this neces¬ 
sary does Mr. Smith let Mr. Jones wait, and he then at once 
explains and apologizes. 

“Hello” is seldom heard over the telephone any more. 
Business houses usually begin a conversation: “Normal 2998? 
This is Southern, Walton and Company, Mr. Walton speak¬ 
ing. May I speak with Mr. Thomas Allen, repair depart¬ 
ment?” Similarly, a lady, after finding that she has the 
correct number, gives her name and asks for the person she 
wishes, or delivers her message in the third person (if a serv¬ 
ant answers the telephone). 




Telephone Etiquette 


221 


Giving the number you desire with a rising inflection, as in 
asking a question, is the proper form of finding out whether 
you have the correct connection. Asking, “What’s your 
number?” or “Who is this?” are both forms resented by 
people so addressed. Many people reply to such questions, 
quite correctly, “What number are you calling?” without 
giving their own telephone number, since it is the place of 
the calling party to state the number he desires. 

Any continued trouble with connections or service should 
be referred to the manager’s office and not taken up with the 
operator. 




Chapter XXVIII 
CLUBS AND THEIR CUSTOMS 
HILE one may suggest that he would like to join a 



* * political, civic or social service club, he may not ask 
to be proposed for membership in a purely social club. If 
conversation leads up to it, he may say that “the Blank Club 
seems to him one of the most worth-while clubs in town,” 
or “That is a club one would be proud to join,” but he 
does not wait for any rejoinder and the friend addressed may 
either ignore the remark or offer to propose his name. In 
many clubs of limited membership the endorsement of mem¬ 
bers may be pledged for years ahead, so that nobody need 
feel offended at not being at once asked to join. Nor does 
a member introduce a candidate unless the latter is one who 
fits both socially and mentally with the membership. 

Time was when a woman’s club was cultural, civic or 
philanthropic, where members were supposed to work for 
some cause. But since women have so largely invaded the 
business world there has grown up a type of woman’s club 
similar to a man’s: the down-town home of its members, 
whose work is done elsewhere and who use the club as a 
place of rest and relaxation. But in all clubs, men’s or 
women’s, social or with outside object, certain rules of con¬ 
duct are the same. 


A Good Club Member 


pays all dues and bills promptly. 

Is always courteous and never forward. 

Waits, when newly-elected, for older members to make 
first advances. 

Makes complaints to proper officials, not criticising to 
other members or outsiders. 


222 


Clubs and Their Customs 


223 


Greets neighbors at “common” or “club” table, and does 
not intrude upon slight acquaintances at private tables. 

Introduces only such guests as are acceptable and apolo¬ 
gizes for any annoyance caused by a guest. 

Pays his guest’s bills. 

Is ready to give service or funds within his means when 
asked to aid the club. 

Bows to fellow-members known by sight, wherever met, 
this being especially true in the small-town club. 

Resigns in good standing. 

A Club Guest 

conforms to the club’s rules and is careful to ascertain these. 

Does not enter a room that may be reserved for members, 
men being especially careful in a women’s club, and women 
in a men’s club, to observe this regulation. 

If using a guest card: pays all own bills; does not tip 
if rules forbid; does not introduce others on his guest card; 
waits to be spoken to by members, beyond the courteous 
passing of the time of day. 

In a number of men’s clubs certain rooms are set aside 
for the wives of members and their friends, but women 
should not go beyond the rooms assigned them. 

In a Woman’s Club 

a very young woman does not entertain a group of young 
men unrelated to her unless other women are invited or 
unless it is a business meeting in a professional club. 

Women do not smoke in a club lounge or dining-room, 
unless rules permit, as they generally do in the professional 
or athletic club, but not in a General Federation club. 

Gentlemen will not smoke in a woman’s club unless per¬ 
mission is asked and granted. 

In General 

All club members say “Good morning” or “Good eve¬ 
ning” to their regular waiters and other attendants and at 
holiday season give their share to the collection that is 




224 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


usually taken in lieu of scattered tips throughout the year. 

The country club is more of a family club where men 
and women frequently have equal rights. Here the usual 
canons of good taste should rule. Noisy parties are objec¬ 
tionable, and women members should not allow children 
to turn club rooms and porches into playgrounds. A young 
woman may lunch alone with a man, but only as one of a 
group does she dine with him. 

The club is a legitimate means of making friends, but no 
member should presume on club friendship for social ad¬ 
vancement. Working on committees with prominent citizens 
does not give the right to presume to more than bowing 
acquaintance outside the club unless the prominent or older 
member makes first advances. Time and patience must be 
relied upon for gradual growing of friendships. 





Chapter XXIX 
FLAG COURTESY 



ERTAIN rules and regulations govern the handling 


of our national flag and the marks of respect due it. 
These include army and navy regulations as well as rulings 
of patriotic societies. 

Military spectators stand at attention when the flag is 
raised or lowered, and civilians should stop walking, or rise 
if seated, and stand at attention. Civilian men hold the hat 
in the right hand over the heart; women should place the 
right hand over the heart. In a foreign land men pay the 
courtesy of raising the hat when the flag of that land goes 
by, just as we would expect that courtesy from foreign 
visitors to our flag. 


In a Procession 


The national flag is carried to the right of all others. 

A flag should not be used to veil a float, nor must it ever 
be allowed to trail on the ground or in water. Use striped 
bunting for decorations, but do not drape the national flag 
over the body of a vehicle or automobile hood. Fly it from 
a staff attached to the vehicle. 

Display on Private Property 

When a flag is hung as a banner it is customary to sus¬ 
pend it so that the union jack hangs to the north or east 
(as determined by the location of the building to which the 
flag is attached). On a street running north and south, 
on the east side the field of blue would be in the upper 
left-hand corner as you face it from the street; on the west 
side of the street the field of blue would be in the right-hand 


is 


225 


226 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


corner as faced from the street. Similarly, the field should 
be in the right-hand corner on the north side, and on the 
upper left-hand on the south side of the street. If the flag 
is draped across the street the blue field should be up. 

If hung from a window, suspend by the edge as it is 
usually attached to the pole, with blue field to the left; 
if two flags are hung their cantons should be together. 

When national and State flags are together, the national 
flag is at the right. 

When a number of flags are grouped together that of the 
United States is at the top. If a foreigner wishes to raise 
his flag in this country he must place that of America above 
it, or to the right, if they are crossed. 

The flag must not be festooned, tied in a knot or in a 
rosette. Use red, white and blue bunting for such purposes. 

A flag should not be used as a ceiling covering, draped 
over a chair or over the speaker’s desk or on the front of 
a platform, but should be displayed above and behind the 
speaker’s desk or at the right of the audience as they face 
the platform, while State or service flags are on the left. 

The flag is not to be used as part of a person’s clothing 
nor as an embroidered decoration on handkerchief, cushion 
or similar article that is utilitarian. 

The flag is hoisted at sunrise and lowered at sunset on 
government property, but a few years ago a ruling was 
passed allowing the flag to fly at night on civilian property. 
Nevertheless, it is in better taste to lower the flag at sun¬ 
down unless it flies in a spotlight and is therefore visible at 
night. 

Whenever possible, fly the flag free from a pole so that 
it catches the breeze, rather than have it flat against a wall. 

The flag should be unfurled before raising it and be caught 
up so it does not touch the ground (or water) in lowering it 




Flag Courtesy 


227 


The flag is half-masted as a sign of mourning, but is first 
run to the top of the staff before being half-masted; when 
lowering it is again run to the top of the mast before being 
lowered. 

On the casket at a military funeral the union is at the 
head of the casket and over the left shoulder of the soldier, 
and the casket should be carried foot first, the flag not being 
allowed to touch the ground, nor should it be lowered into 
the grave. 

When flags are used in unveiling a monument they should 
be drawn up and not allowed to fall to the ground. 

A flag hung upside down is a signal of distress. 

Do not dip the national flag. Regimental colors, State or 
institutional flags are used for such salute. 

Worn-Out Flags 

Old, faded or worn-out flags should not be' used as 
secondary decoration, but should be destroyed, preferably 
by burning, to prevent their being misused as rags for 
cleaning and similar inappropriate purposes. 




Chapter XXX 


DRESS FOR VARIOUS OCCASIONS 
HILE there is constant change in minor details, 



VV general styles hold good, and the person who is not 
sure what to wear on a given occasion is always safe to 
escape notice if he (or she) wears well-made, inconspicuous 
clothing, with accessories—hat, gloves, shoes and ties—in 
accord with the rest of the costume. A well-dressed person 
is always immaculately neat and clean in person as well as 
in garb and as particular about the clothing that does not 
show as of that which does. 

The person who must be economical in the purchase of 
clothing will do better with a few well-tailored garments 
than with a large array of poorly made ones. A man with 
dress suit and Tuxedo, a cutaway coat and dark gray striped 
trousers -and a dark-colored sack suit for business, with the 
proper accessories of shirts, ties, socks and shoes and one 
high hat and a soft one, is equipped for any occasion ex¬ 
cepting for sports. 

The woman with one good tailored suit, a long coat con¬ 
servatively made to suit for day or evening, a couple of 
afternoon frocks of silk and a dinner-dance frock (low- 
necked and sleeveless or with very short sleeves), a silk 
sweater, sports skirts and a few blouses, is able to accept any 
sort of invitation. 


Dress for Women 


Full dress is proper at balls or formal dances, at formal 
dinners, in opera boxes; and at theater or dinner if people 
are going on to a dance afterwards, if a moderately thick 
scarf is thrown over the shoulders. 


228 


Dress for Various Occasions 


229 


Married women wear jewels, but a single fine ornament 
is preferable to many showy ones, and people dress more 
conservatively for a dinner or the opera than for a ball. 
Jeweled hair ornaments are worn at a ball or in an opera 
box. With full dress women wear an opera cloak and long 
white gloves, and have slippers and hose to harmonize with 
their gowns. Fur-lined opera boots are procurable to wear 
over slippers when outdoors, and a scarf takes the place of 
a hat if any head-covering is worn. With the little crush 
hats now obtainable, the suburbanite can come into town for 
the evening wearing a hat and slip this into her opera-bag 
when taking a taxi to her city destination. 

For the dinner at a fashionable restaurant, an informal 
dinner party, theater, concert or opera, when not a gala 
night and one is not of a formal party, informal dinner 
dress is worn. This has short sleeves, is moderately low 
in front and fairly high in back. In the fashionable res¬ 
taurants in larger cities ladies wear evening gowns and no 
hats, hats never being worn with full dress and always being 
worn in public with day dress. 

A debutante wears no jewels except the simplest brooch 
or chain, and her gowns are always simple and girlish. At a 
ball she wears delicate colors and filmy materials, long white 
kid gloves and slippers, and hose to match her gown. At 
theater, opera or dinner her dress is designed to heighten 
her youth and attractiveness and is therefore never brilliant 
in color or elaborate in design. 

For the formal luncheon, wedding, daytime reception or 
tea, gowns of cloth, velvet or silk are proper. Hats are 
worn; also, white or pearl-colored gloves. 

The costume worn to church is inconspicuous, dark colors 
in winter and light frocks in summer being preferred, but 
neither sports clothing nor elaborate dress such as one wears 




230 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


to garden parties is appropriate. A small hat is always 
worn to church. 

While New York follows the English custom of preferring 
side-saddle for women past school age, we find women 
farther west insisting upon the safer cross-saddle position 
and considering tan or dark well-tailored riding habits, with 
coats cut about to the knee, as correct. Many of them have 
cloak or wrap-around skirt to don when they dismount if 
they do not ride directly home. The horsewoman must have 
her hair neatly coiled or netted and wear low-heeled boots, 
leather gloves and conventionally shaped hat. 

The tea-gown, that cross between full dress and a wrapper, 
is worn at home for tea and may be worn at the family 
dinner, but ordinary negligee is not worn outside one’s 
bedroom. 


Gloves and Accessories 

Fabric gloves are suitable for street wear, as are heavy 
leather, suede or doeskin. Black suede is considered better 
form for deep mourning than glossy black. White kid 
gloves are worn at dinners, formal dances, the opera, 
theater, luncheons, teas and musicales. Gloves are taken 
off when one sits down to luncheon or dinner, and are laid 
on the lap. Gloves may be taken off or retained at a buffet 
supper or lunch, but are always removed when one is pouring 
at a tea or plays cards. 

The hostess does not wear gloves when receiving guests at 
a dinner, luncheon, tea or card party, but she does wear them 
when receiving at a formal dance, ball or reception. 

A hostess does not wear a hat in her home, but wears 
one when giving a luncheon at a restaurant or if giving a 
garden party. 

Guests retain hats at a wedding, reception, funeral, chris- 





Dress for Various Occasions 


231 


tening, luncheon or tea or garden party and when calling 
and at a musicale. 

What a Gentleman Wears 

A gentleman wears nothing conspicuous. Showy jewelry 
is always taboo, and brilliant ties and gay socks are per¬ 
missible only with sports clothes. He is immaculate as to clean¬ 
liness and neatness, keeps his hair carefully cut and is either 
clean-shaven or has his beard or moustache close-trimmed. 

For business he wears either sack suit of homespun or 
other rough-surface material or a cutaway coat and waist¬ 
coat of black with trousers of dark gray stripe. With the 
sack suit is worn white or inconspicuously striped linen, with 
turned-down or wing collar, a dark or gray four-in-hand, 
a derby or black or gray felt hat, black shoes and socks and 
dark or* tan doeskin gloves. The same is worn with the 
cutaway except that linen should be plain, not striped. 
Brown or tan shoes are sometimes worn in summer, but the 
bright yellow shoe is never correct. 

For the day wedding, afternoon call, matinee and recep¬ 
tion, the black or Oxford cutaway, with waistcoat to match, 
or pearl or white, and with striped gray worsted trousers, 
should be worn. High silk hat, wing or poke collar on a 
stiff or pleated white shirt and pearl four-in-hand to match 
the gloves make the most acceptable style, and either high 
kid shoes or Oxfords with spats are worn. For the afternoon 
tea, promenade, or to wear to church, the waistcoat to the 
cutaway would match or be of fancy fabric, the four-in-hand 
would be black and white, gray mixture or biscuit, and a 
derby might be substituted for the high hat, though the 
latter is preferable. 

For the evening wedding, ball, reception, formal dinner, 
theater and opera, full dress is worn: swallowtail coat; 




232 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


white waistcoat of pique or silk, either single or double- 
breasted; trousers of same material as the coat; high silk 
hat; a poke or small wing collar on a stiff linen shirt; a 
white bow tie of pique or linen lawn; white glace gloves, 
and patent-leather Oxfords or cloth-topped patent-leather 
buttoned shoes. 

To an informal dinner, club, stag or home dinner, a 
country dance or to dine on shipboard, a gentleman should 
wear a Tuxedo jacket of black or Oxford gray with trousers 
to match and waistcoat to match or a white double-breasted 
style with stub ends; derby or soft hat, pleated white shirt 
of pique or linen with wing or fold collar, black tie and 
shoes of gunmetal or dull calf. Gloves should be gray suede, 
tan cape or chamois. 

Norfolk jacket is worn for motoring, golf and yachting, 
with vest to match for motoring and none for the other 
sports; trousers to match for motoring and flannel trousers 
or knickers matching the coat for golf, and white flannel 
or linen trousers for yachting. Negligee shirt, four-in-hand 
tie and cap and white Oxfords are worn except for motoring, 
where a tan shoe is preferable. 

While the Tuxedo should not be considered a substitute 
for full dress and is not so considered in Europe nor in 
Eastern cities that feel the European atmosphere, we may 
as well face the fact that the farther west we go the less 
are gentlemen inclined to wear the swallowtail coat except 
to evening weddings and the most formal of dinners and 
dances. Nine times out of ten they will appear in Tuxedos 
with the double-breasted white pique waistcoat with stub 
ends rather than in what is absolutely correct attire. This 
change has been noticeable since the war, and while hostesses 
usually deplore the change in custom and a number of gen¬ 
tlemen are sure to appear in full dress, it would be foolish 




Dress for Various Occasions 


233 


not to accept as a fact that, at least west of the Alleghenies, 
gentlemen do wear white vest and Tuxedo to dances and 
dinners at the present time. 

We see this local variation in costume in other ways also. 
In Boston the habit of the college boys is reflected in the 
costume of elderly business men, and we find them going to 
their offices in knickers and long stockings as if they were 
starting out for a round of golf or were on the Harvard 
campus. Yet Boston is punctilious beyond most cities in 
wearing full dress to dinners, dances and evening receptions. 
Similarly, in warmer parts of the country, we see more 
Palm Beach cloth suits and flannels with white shoes and 
socks worn to business in summer. 

Except with his sports clothes, a gentleman never wears 
brilliant ties or hose, and his jewelry is always inconspicuous. 
A slender gold watch-chain or leather band for a wrist- 
watch; a seal or dull stone set deep and worn on the little 
finger, his only ring; and never is a brilliant stone used as 
a scarf-pin or stud. Cuff-links of dull gold and studs to 
match or with tiny diamonds or white enameled are correct. 

Gloves are worn to a dance, reception, or when accom¬ 
panying ladies to theater or opera, on the street and when 
serving as an usher. 

At a home christening the costume is that worn to a 
reception; at a church christening either street costume or 
that worn to a reception is acceptable. For costumes worn to 
weddings and for mourning see chapters on these subjects. 

Children should be dressed plainly in materials that are 
fine and soft; but wash materials and light-weight woolens 
are preferable to silks for small folk, and jewelry should 
not be given small children. Hand-work and daintiness 
rather than showy trimmings are the marks of correct dress 
for little folk. 




Chapter XXXI 

THE SERVANT IN THE HOUSE 

I N a household where a large corps of servants is em¬ 
ployed the housekeeper takes general supervision, manag¬ 
ing the other women employees, and, if there is a cook, 
makes out the menu and submits it daily to the mistress. 
If a chef is employed he takes charge of the menu and 
marketing. The housekeeper has charge of household linens, 
inspects bedrooms and sees that guest-rooms are ready for 
their occupants, and prepares town and country houses for 
occupancy when notified, taking necessary servants and 
workmen with her when needed. She usually has her own 
bedroom, bath and sitting-room, where the second waitress 
or kitchen maid serves her meals. She is called Mrs. or 
Miss Jones, not by her first name. 

The chef has charge of planning the menu, which is 
submitted to the mistress of the house for corrections each 
morning; he sees to marketing and cooking and generally 
has a woman assistant who prepares vegetables, gets out 
proper utensils and frequently does the cooking for the 
servants’ table. 

The butler must be imperturbable, quick to handle any 
mishap and able to manage the other men servants. He 
may be virtually the steward, buying supplies, keeping the 
accounts, and employing and managing all the servants. But 
usually his authority is more limited. In smaller establish¬ 
ments he announces guests, carves (if the cook does not do 
this), supervises table-setting and service, stands behind the 
chair of the hostess when not serving, and may act as valet 
to the master of the house. He is called by his surname: 
“Jones,” the same being true of the chauffeur and valet, but 
other servants are called by their Christian names. 

234 


The Servant in the House 


235 


If a footman is employed he opens the front door and 
acts as general assistant to the butler, setting and clearing 
the table, helping serve and keeping glass and silver 
polished. 

A utility man is generally employed to tend furnace, clear 
snow, wash windows and carry in wood. Even if there is 
a house uniform the utility man does not wear it, as he 
never appears before family or guests. 

A valet lays out the proper clothing for his employer, 
sees that clothes are brushed, cleaned and pressed, packs 
and unpacks when traveling, and may act as courier, buying 
tickets and seeing to hotel accommodations. He may serve 
the sons in the house also and offers his services to any men 
guests who come unvaleted. Except when, at big dinners, 
he is required to serve as extra footman and wears footman’s 
uniform, he wears a dark business suit with tie, socks and 
shoes of black. He is generally addressed by his surname 
(without prefix). 

In a large household there may be parlor maids and 
chambermaids, the former looking after living-rooms and 
the latter the bedrooms and baths. The former also serve 
as waitresses. Where no men-servants are employed, a maid 
opens the doors and answers the telephone. 

A ladies’ maid serves her mistress as the valet does the 
master, and, in addition, she keeps clothing mended and may 
even make some of the simpler garments. She must be a 
skillful hairdresser and manicurist and should be able to 
give simple massage. She keeps the dressing-table in order 
and toilet silver polished. She may go with the daughters 
of the house to parties and wait for them in the dressing 
room, or, if they are duly chaperoned, she waits up to let 
them in, assists them in undressing and brushes their hair. 

She offers her services to women guests, unpacks and 




236 _Standard Book of Etiquette__ 

packs for them and packs for the ladies of the family when 
they travel. 

The Small, Simple Household 

Where but one or two maids are employed the mistress 
must not exact too much service, but must adapt her re¬ 
quirements to her scale of living and assume certain house¬ 
hold duties herself, such as planning the menu, marketing, 
caring for the flowers, dusting, seeing that the children pick 
up their possessions and keep their rooms neat. 

When engaging a servant, definite understanding should 
be reached as to duties, just what free time is allowed, wages, 
dress required, extra help allowed for laundry, cleaning 
and similar duties, and when and where she may receive 
her friends. 

A maid should be neatly dressed in black, white or gray, 
with white apron and cuffs, and her hair neatly arranged. 
She should answer the telephone courteously, asking whether 
there is any message if the person called is out, and should 
have pad and pencil handy for recording this; she should have 
a tray on which to take visitors’ cards or small parcels; she 
should bring in mail promptly, not examining it unless she 
is supposed to distribute it; and she should speak to visitors 
only in answer to direct greeting or question. If obliged to 
speak without being spoken to, any household employee 
should begin with, “I beg your pardon”; answer, “Yes, sir,” 
or “No, madam,” if no details are added, and speak to, and 
of, the children of the family as “Miss” and “Master.” 

The employer should be unfailingly courteous and suggest 
rather than order work done. Neither “please” nor “do 
so-and-so” is necessary, but “will you” or “I wish you would” 
will serve. Children should be taught to be courteous to 
all household employees and may make requests but give no 
orders. 




The Servant in the House 


237 


While some employers use the third person in writing to 
a servant (to have the house open after vacation, etc.), the 
kindlier and equally correct method is to begin with, “Dear 
Mary” to cook or maid or “Dear Thornton” to the butler, 
and to sign the note: “Very truly yours, A. N. Gregory,” 
a lady using her initials instead of the “Alice Norton 
Gregory” she would sign to friends. 

The Servantless House 

The hostess who does her own work and employs only 
occasional help will plan every detail beforehand when she 
entertains and will see that the temporary employee is letter- 
perfect in her duties. Informal dinners, planned to take 
the minimum of service, teas and buffet suppers or chafing- 
dish meals take the place of formal entertaining. Children 
are taught to be neat, carry their share of the work and 
know how to answer telephone or door-bell, and to maintain 
the same discipline at table that would be expected if a 
maid were present. 




Chapter XXXII 


CHILDREN’S MANNERS AND 
ENTERTAINMENT 

G OOD manners are an essential part in a well-rounded 
education and a real asset throughout life. The only 
successful way to teach good manners, especially to a child, 
is by example. If he is to learn courtesy, respect for him¬ 
self and others, is to converse instead of merely gossip, 
have good manners at table and when he meets guests in 
his home, he must learn all this by example. 

Reverence, obedience, truthfulness, honesty, cleanliness 
and neatness are all essential and must be learned gradually, 
by concrete example. Good habits should become almost 
mechanical routine, so that a child answers courteously with¬ 
out second thought, handles his knife and fork properly and 
goes through the thousand and one acts of daily life cor¬ 
rectly and easily. When a child is learning to talk he is 
conscious of every effort, but gradually he uses words as 
expressions of ideas without thought of the individual words 
he uses. Similarily he learns to speak and act correctly as 
a matter of course and without thinking twice of what he 
is doing. He is well-mannered because he knows no other 
course of conduct. 

The tiny child must grasp spoon or fork in his fist, but 
he soon gains strength enough to hold them properly. His 
meat is all cut for him for a time, but when he learns to 
use a knife he should also learn to cut each bit as he eats 
it. Eating with open mouth, talking when food is in the 
mouth and a dozen other disagreeable habits should be 
corrected early, and one at a time, so that the child is not 
confused. Much of the learning comes by seeing parents 
238 


Children's Manners—Entertainment 239 


and older brothers and sisters conduct themselves properly. 

Courtesy demands respect to older people, allowing them 
to precede the young folk in entering or leaving a room, 
rising when an older woman enters the room, keeping quiet 
until spoken to when strangers are present, and not rushing 
in to make demands on their mother when she is entertaining 
guests. 

Carelessness of speech and vulgarity should never be per¬ 
mitted. A certain amount of slang will creep into the 
average child’s speech, but when he speaks to adults he 
needs choose his words. There is no danger of crushing 
the individuality out of the American child, for he has 
greater freedom than the child of any other nation. His 
danger lies more in being permitted freedom to go in the 
wrong direction so that when he grows up he will have to 
give himself, in learning to respect the rights of others and 
guard against his own lapses from good manners, the disci¬ 
pline that should have been made by childhood training a 
subconscious part of his ordinary procedure. 

Partly that parents may supervise the friendships their 
children form and weed out undesirable ones while encourag¬ 
ing others, the children’s party is valuable. It also is a 
training in good manners. 

Children are not formally introduced to each other. 
“Grace, this is Bertha Fanning,” is all-sufficient. When 
children reach high-school age the more formal method is 
adopted, although a boy would introduce his friend to his 
mother: “Mother, this is Albert Wood,” not “Mr. Wood.” 

Party Invitations 

Little folks may have tiny picture-decorated stationery 
that comes ready to fill in date and place, the words “Will 
you come to my party?” being engraved on the paper. Chil- 




240 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


dren a little older would write little notes, and the writing 
of these and the necessary written answers should be done 
by the children themselves, no matter how poorly they write, 
for thus begins education in knowing what to do under 
certain social conditions. Only for tiny tots would mothers 
write to mothers in giving invitations to children’s parties. 

When a girl invites a boy, writing in the first person, 
the degree of acquaintance dictates whether she uses his 
first name and whether he uses hers after they are of high- 
school age, but in a note couched in the third person she 
is “Miss Alice Bayne” and he is “Mr. Thomas Warreh, Jr.” 
Children should be taught to follow the form when answer¬ 
ing,. using first or third person according to the invitation 
sent them. 

Parents may issue the invitations formally for their chil¬ 
dren in the same way they do for a debutante, and for older 
children the engraved form is frequently used instead of the 
informal note. 

The mother receives with her daughter or son and greets 
each child by name, and the child replies, “How do you 
do?” or “I am so glad to be here,” and moves on to greet 
the young host or hostess and mingle with other guests. If 
it is a birthday party the guest may present a gift with 
birthday wishes and the recipient must voice his thanks. 

Refreshments may be simple. Most children care most 
for ice-cream, favors and some little souvenir they can take 
home, and prizes won in the games they play. The little 
host or hostess should see that guests are taken care of, that 
girls have dancing partners and that strange children meet 
other guests. 

If a child has a companion the mother does not know, 
she must endeavor to find out about the family and, if 
satisfied, may write the mother that their children are such 




Children's Manners—Entertainment 241 


good friends that she hopes Tommy (or Margaret) may be 
permitted to come to her child’s party on such a date. The 
mother of Tommy must reply, either saying she will be glad 
to let Tommy come or that she regrets that he will be 
unable to accept, etc. 

When parents entertain, children sit at a side table or 
have their meal earlier or in another room. They should 
never be allowed to monopolize the conversation, but if they 
come into the room for a few minutes, they have learned to 
greet guests courteously, answer questions asked them, and 
obey unquestioningly when told to do anything, for from 
such training may we expect the ladies and gentlemen of 
the next generation. 

Such a thing as “company manners” should never be 
tolerated in a household of well-bred people. Naturally a 
family tries to make a guest enjoy his visit, and the family 
that must practice economy will possibly serve better meals 
than they can ordinarily allow themselves and may enter¬ 
tain for their guest beyond what they would do for them¬ 
selves. And they may be a bit more careful in how they 
word certain ideas lest the guest misinterpret their meaning. 
But beyond the slight changes that one would make in 
honoring a guest, there is no difference, especially no change 
in their normal behavior, and children should early learn 
that courtesy is an everyday habit, for the family as well 
as for strangers. Any little additional consideration is 
merely an added method of welcoming the visitor. 


16 




Chapter XXXIII 

BUSINESS COURTESIES AND CUSTOMS 


A WOMAN never calls on a man unless it is on a matter 
of business, and then it should be done in business 
hours and at his office. She may have an appointment or 
not. She sends in her name, not her visiting card, but a 
business woman may send in her business card. She waits 
her turn to be admitted to the private office, and, once there, 
states her errand briefly and clearly and leaves as soon as 
the business is done, indulging in no social chat. 

If she is obliged to call on a man at his home on a busi¬ 
ness matter and is not a friend of his family, she takes some 
older woman or a male member of her family with her. 
Under no circumstances does a woman call upon a man at 
his club, not even on her husband or father. 

A man may ask a lady into his private office, rise as she 
enters and (usually without shaking hands) offer her a 
chair, or, if he is very busy, he may come to the outer 
office to see her and remain standing while they talk. If 
a woman overstays and a man is busy, he can plead ap¬ 
pointments and ask her to come back another time when 
he can talk to her. If she is in his private office, he rises 
and holds the door open for her when she leaves, but need 
not go farther unless she is a friend or relative, whom he 
accompanies to the outer door or elevator. 

While a gentleman cannot be expected to rise every time 
a woman employee enters his office, he asks her to be seated 
if they must talk for more than a minute or two; he does 
say, “Good morning” when he comes in and “Good night” 
to his secretary; he does not use language that he would 
resent any man using in the presence of his wife or daughter, 
and he does not give way to bursts of temper. Mistakes 
242 


Business Courtesies and Customs 


243 


are talked over quietly, and if an employee cannot be made 
efficient he is dismissed, but it is done quietly and not in the 
presence of others. 

While an older woman may use her judgment in the 
matter, it is a safe rule for a woman to refuse to mix her 
social and business life. If she is in a business house she 
should not accept luncheon and dinner invitations from 
her employer, as such. If he is also a friend of the family 
and visits at her home and there invites her to theater, she 
accepts as she would from any friend, but the man who 
does not call at her home should not be permitted to take 
her out socially. Of course this does not refer to the emer¬ 
gency when an employer and his secretary or buyer go to 
luncheon or dinner together to discuss some sudden turn 
of business, but they go to a restaurant frequented by busi¬ 
ness people and not to an exclusive social resort. 

Good manners and proper dress are assets in a business 
office. A gentleman prefers advancing employees who not 
only handle their work well, but look and act the part of 
ladies and gentlemen, so that they will not be found wanting 
when they have to come into business and social contact 
with business visitors of importance. 

A professional card is distinct from a social one. It is 
usually a trifle larger and has the name of the individual 
or firm in the center, with the address in the lower right- 
hand corner and the telephone number in the left-hand 
corner. Or the telephone number may be above and the 
name of the individual representative of the firm given in 
the left-hand corner: 

Telephone: West 6500 

Taft-Alvord Company 

Western Representative: Owens Building 

Thomas Lee Bailey Chicago, Illinois 




244 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


Sometimes the representative’s name occupies the center 
of the card and the left-hand corner states: “Representing 
Taft-Alvord Company.” 

A woman usually prefixes “Miss” or “Mrs.” before her 
name. If she has built her business reputation under her 
maiden name, she frequently retains that. Her business card 
is that of “Miss Alice Derwenter” or “Miss Alice Derwenter 
Ellis,” although her visiting card reads: “Mrs. Thomas 
Green Ellis.” 

The business woman should be direct but not mannish in 
manner and, to employees, as punctiliously just and courteous 
as to customers. 

To both men and women, good manners prove a distinct 
business asset, since they demand that one’s emotions be 
kept under control and this prevents an opponent from read¬ 
ing one’s thoughts and being sure of the next move. Good 
manners are also a decided factor in making customers and 
clients into friends, since who of us does not prefer associ¬ 
ating with considerate, well-bred people rather than with 
those who are void of courtesy? The manner of a chief 
executive should be especially considerate, since his attitude 
permeates the entire organization, be it for good or bad. 

Just as we have passed the days of affected manners in 
social life and have assumed towards others an attitude that 
is straightforward and considerate, so have we been adopting 
this same attitude in our business relations. 

Wherefore it is safe to say that no person of any dis¬ 
crimination can longer think good manners an affectation, 
but must regard them, as do people of culture, as an essential 
part of any human being’s equipment for life. Doing the 
right thing at the right time, in the right way and the right 
place, is the essence of good manners. 




ALPHABETICAL INDEX 


Abbreviations, 42, 70, 79. 

Acceptance of invitation, 58, 72, 

94, 97-98, 106; to dance, 124; 
house party, 134; to wedding, 

163; to a formal dinner, 163. 

Accessories in guest-room, 136. 

Accidents, at table, 114, 119, 120. 

Acknowledgment, of wedding 
gifts, 73-74, 155, 173-174; of 
messages of condolence, 76, 
198-199. 

Address, written forms of, 71, 
78-83, 159-160; on visiting 

cards, 38-39, 41 ; forms in 
speech, 18-19, 78-83. 

Afternoon teas, see Teas. 

Ambassador, letters to, 82-83; 
how to address, 82-83 ; how to 
announce as guest, 101; intro¬ 
duction of, 82. 

Announcement, of birth, 191; of 
death, 194; of marriage en¬ 
gagement, 153-155, 156; of 

broken engagement, 68, 157; 
of wedding, 163, 164; re¬ 

calling or postponing invita¬ 
tion, 67; of wedding broken 
olf, 68. 

Announcing dinner, 102. 

Announcing guests, 46; at dance, 
127; at dinner, 101; at recep¬ 
tion, 181; duty of butler, 
274. 

Answering the door, 45, 49. 

Anthem, national, 14. 

Apartment houses, calling in, 49. 

245 


Archbishop, letters to, 82-83 ; 
how to address, 82; how to in¬ 
troduce, 82. 

Arm, etiquette of offering and 
taking, 54. 

Army and navy, titles on visit¬ 
ing cards, 42; titles in ad¬ 
dressing officers, 79. 

Artichokes, how to eat, 118. 

Asking for a dance, 128. 

Asparagus, how to eat, 118. 

At Home, 65, 124, 125, 148; at 
home, 65, 90, 163. 

Automobiles, for dinner-theater 
party, 58-59, 215; young girls 
unchaperoned in, 147-148, 149; 
when making calls, 215; for 
house guests, 215-216; touring 
in, 216-217. See chapter 
on Automobile and Carriage 
Courtesy , 214-217. 

Bachelor hospitality, see chapter 
on The Gentleman as Host 
and Guest , 141-145; bachelor 
dance, 131; theater party, 142. 

Bachelor girl, see Spinsters. 

Ball, use of word, 121, 123, 125. 

Ballroom, decoration and music, 
126. 

Balls, chapter on Small Dances 
and Balls, 122-132; invitations 
to, 64, 125; for charity, 131- 
132. 

Banquet, see Dinner. 

Baptism, see Christenings . 





246 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


Baronet, addressing, 79. 

Beginning of a letter, 71. 

Best man, clothes of, 171-172; 
duties of, 171-172, 177, 179, 
180, 181, 184. 

“Best society,” foreign, 10; 
American, 10-11; and courtesy, 
33. 

Beverages, at afternoon teas, 84, 
85, 88 ; at christenings, 193; at 
wedding receptions, 182; at 
dinners, 111, 112, 121; at 

dances, 132; at breakfast, 94. 

Bishop, letters to, 82-83; how to 
address, 82; how to introduce, 
18, 82. 

Bones, management of, at table, 
118. 

Bowing, see chapter on Greetings 
and Salutations, 12-17; method 
of, 12; men bowing to other 
men, 12-13; to strangers, 12; 
to employees, 13. 

Bread, how to eat, 118-119. 

Breakfast, see chapter Break¬ 
fasts, Luncheons and Suppers, 
92-96 ; hours for, 93; early, 
94; formal, 91; wedding, 92; 
and the house guest, 136, 137, 
138. 

Bridal procession, 178-181; order 
of, 180-181; rehearsal, 174. 

Bride, acknowledges gifts, 73-74, 
155, 173-174; gifts sent to her, 
155, 172-174; returns gifts, 

157; calls made on, 43, 51, 
188-189; pays calls, 51, 155; 
gifts to attendants, 166; “show¬ 
ers” for, 156-157; and fiance’s 


family, 153, 155, 174; chooses 
attendants, 163, 168; clothes 
for, 166-167; reception for, 
155, 181-183; as hostess, 188- 
190; at wedding breakfast, 93 ; 
never is congratulated, 154. 
See also chapters Before the 
Wedding, 158-175; The Wed¬ 
ding, 176-187; After the Wed¬ 
ding, 188-190. 

Bride’s new home, 188-190. 

Bride’s parents, 153, 154, 157, 
158, 161, 177, 178, 181, 183. 

Bride’s table, 182-183. 

Bridegroom, calls with fiancee, 
155; gifts to bride, 155, 166, 
170; gifts to attendants, 170; 
“showers” for, 156-157; chooses 
attendants, 165; clothes of, 
170-171; makes list of wedding 
guests, 158 ; at wedding break¬ 
fast, 93, 182; at church wed¬ 
ding, 177; duties of, 155-156, 
169-171. 

Bridegroom’s parents, 154, 157, 
158, 177, 178, 181, 183-184. 

Bridesmaids, duties of, 168-169; 
dress, 168; in mourning, 187; 
at wedding breakfast, 43; call 
on bride’s mother, 43. See 
also chapter on The Wedding, 
176-187. 

Bridge breakfast, 194. 

Buffet, at afternoon teas, 87-88; 
at breakfasts, 94; at wedding 
reception, 182. 

Business courtesies and customs, 
chapter on, 242-244. 

Business letters, 70, 72, 76. 





Alphabetical Index 


247 


Business women, 149-150, 242- 
244. 

Butler, 95, 101, 103, 127, 139, 
274. 

Butter, serving of, 111, 119. 

Cabinet member, letter to, 80-81; 
how to address, 80; how to in¬ 
troduce, 19, 80. 

Calls, see chapter on Cards and 
Visits, 37-52; in New York, 9; 
etiquette of, 42-49; in the 

small town, 44; hours for, 45, 
144; “not at home,” 47; con¬ 
dolence, 48; by debutante, 146; 
with letter of introduction, 28, 
29; on house guest, 49, 138; in 
servantless houses, 49; in 

apartment houses, 49; in 

hotels, 49; after a dance, 51, 

130; in box at opera, 59-60; 
on pastor, 61; on invalids, 
155; on bride’s mother, 169; 
on bride, 188. 

Canon, how to introduce, 18. 

Cardinal, letter to, 82-83 ; how to 
address, 82; introduction to, 
18, 82. 

Cards and card parties, invita¬ 
tion to, 66, 91; bridge break¬ 
fast, 94; stag, 91; at a dance, 
126; etiquette at, 91; dress at, 
91. 

Cards (visiting), see chapter on 
Cards and Visits, 37-52; as 
introduction, 28; for informal 
invitations, 66-67, 91; left for 
hostess of house guest, 138; for 
change of address, 52; bent 


corners on, 52; mourning, 52, 
198; condolence, 175; business, 
150, 243-244; left after a 

dance, 130; used as dance in¬ 
vitations, 66-67, 125; sent with 
flowers to funeral, 195; sent 
with flowers to a lady, 143; 
left by gentleman, 41, 42, 143, 
144. 

Cards of address, 164. 

Cards of admission, to church 
wedding, 161; to pew, 161; to 
train, 164. 

Carving at table, 120. 

Caudle, 193. 

Chairs at dinner, 102; at a 
tea, 85, 89; at a musicale, 90; 
at a reception, 88. 

Chaperon, in the South, 9; at a 
theater party, 57; at a dance, 
127, 130; of motherless girl, 
149, 150; when traveling, 201; 
at bachelor entertainments, 
141-142, 151; maid as chap¬ 
eron, 147-148. See chapter on 
Spinsters and Chaperons, 146- 
151. 

Charity, committee work, 62; 
dances for, 131-132. 

Cheese, how to eat, 118. 

Chef, 234. 

Children, chapter on Children's 
Manners and Entertainments, 
238-241; calling cards of, 40, 
42; training of, 146; speech of, 
239; courtesy to household em¬ 
ployees, 236; manner of ad¬ 
dress by employees, 236; man¬ 
ners at table, 238; party invi- 







248 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


tations, 239; introducing, 239, 
240, 241; appropriate clothing, 
233. 

Christenings, chapter on, 191- 
193. 

Church, clothes at, 229, 230; 
etiquette at, 55, 60-62; chris¬ 
tening at, 191-192; wedding 
at, 162, 176-181; funerals, 

195-196. 

Cigar, see Smoking. 

Clergyman, letter to, 82-83 ; 
visiting card of, 42; how to in¬ 
troduce, 18, 82-83 ; wedding 
fee of, 169; how to address, 
18, 82; at wedding breakfast, 
93; asked to say grace, 116; 
at christening, 192-193. 

Clothes, at an afternoon tea, 87, 
88; for a debutante, 87; at a 
christening, 192-193 ; at a 
house party, 137, 138, 140; at 
dinner, 144, 100; at a funeral, 
195, 197-198; w r hen traveling, 
200; on a steamer, 210; when 
motoring, 216; guests at a 
wedding, 185-186; the bride, 
166-167, 183 ; the bride’s at¬ 
tendants, 168, 187; the bride¬ 
groom, 170-171; the best man 
and ushers, 170-171, 183 ; of 
servants, 134-136, 236. See 
also chapter on Dress for Vari¬ 
ous Occasions, 228-233. 

Clubs, calling at a man’s, 242. 
See chapter on Clubs and 
their Customs, 222-224. 

Color scheme on dinner table, 

110 . 


Condolence, cards of, 43, 75-76; 
visits of, 48; acknowledging 
cards of, 198-199. 

Congressman, letter to, 80-81; 
how to address, 80; how to in¬ 
troduce, 80. 

Consul, letter to, 80-81; how to 
address, 80; how to introduce, 
80. 

Conversation, chapter on, 30-36; 
training in, 30; don’ts for, 31, 
36; monopolizing, 31; with 
employees, 32-33 ; modulated 
voice in, 33; good English in, 
35; when calling, 51; at din¬ 
ner, 102-103, 116; with per¬ 
sons of title, 78-83. 

Conveyances, 86, 125, 132, 135; 
at wedding, 165, 169, 177-178. 
See also Automobiles and 
chapter on Automobile and 
Carriage Courtesy , 214. 

Cook, 106, 237. 

Corn on the cob, how to eat, 118. 

Correspondence, see chapter on 
Notes and Letters, 69-77. 

Country clubs, 148, 224. 

Country house, stationery, 71; 
bachelor entertainments at, 
142. See also chapter on The 
Hostess, the Guest and Hos¬ 
pitality, 133-140. 

Courtesy, in public, 9, 12, 13, 16; 
at home, 116, 238-239; in res¬ 
taurants, 15; on shipboard, 
152-157. See also Politeness to 
employees. 

Crest, 71. 

Cut direct, 14-15. 





Alphabetical Index 


249 


Dance and supper clubs, 131. 

Dances, lists for, 125; introduc¬ 
tions at, 25, 128-129; calls 
after, 51; invitations to, 64, 66, 
123-124; tea dance, 86-88, 130; 
for debutante, 125; after wed¬ 
ding, 186; cutting in at, 128; 
hours for, 125; public and sub¬ 
scription, 130-132; young peo¬ 
ple’s, 130; bachelor, 131; pa¬ 
tronesses, 131; supper and 
breakfast after, 132. See chap¬ 
ter on Small Dances and Balls, 
122-132. 

Date, on notes, 70; on wedding 
announcements, 163. 

Dean, how to introduce, 18. 

Death, notice of, 193-194. 

Debutante, dress of, 87, 127, 147, 
229; when unchaperoned, 148; 
chaperonage of, 141-142, 147- 
148; dance for, 125; at a 
dance, 127; visiting cards of, 
40-41. See also chapter on 
Spinsters and Chaperons, 146- 
151. 

Decoration of table, see under 
special subject. 

Dinner, announcement of guests 
at, 100-101; bachelor’s, 142; 
clothes for, 100, 106-108; in¬ 
troductions at, 26, 100, 102-103, 
107; invitations to, 64, 97-98, 
105-106; seating at, 93, 95, 96, 
100, 101, 102, 107; taking in 
to, 100-102; filling in at, 98; 
before a dance, 105; for 
bridesmaids and ushers, 175; 
dinner-dance, 99; promptness 


at, 99; formal calls after, 43; 
menu at, 97, 106, 109; hour 
for, 99; late guests at, 101- 
102; servants needed at, 103; 
in country, 107; on steamer, 
210; when motoring, 216. See 
also chapters on Dinners: 
Formal and Informal, 97-108 ; 
Table Setting and Service, 
109-115; Manners at Table, 
116-121. 

Dinner coat, 100. 

Divorced woman, visiting cards 
of, 39. 

Doctor, services of, at house 
party, 138; on steamer, 211; 
introduction of, 18. 

Don’ts, in introductions, 20; in 
conversation, 31, 36; in letter¬ 
writing, 76-77; at table, 116- 
119; for gentlemen, 143; at 
the telephone, 220; for club 
members and guests, 222-223. 

Door-men, 86, 103. 

Dress, chapter on, 222-224. See 
also Clothes. 

Drinks, see Beverages. 

Duke (and duchess), how to 
address, 78, 79; how to in¬ 
troduce, 19; titles of children 
of, 78. 

Earl, how to address, and introc 
duce, 78-79. 

Early training in manners, chap¬ 
ter on, 238-241. 

Eating different foods, 117-119. 

Education and manners, viii, 10; 
and conversation, 30, 35-36. 






250 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


Employees in household, 234-237; 
bowing to, 13; giving orders 
to, 32-33. See also Servants. 

Engaged couples, see chapter on 
Courtship and Engagements, 
152-157. 

Engagement ring, 156, 164, 167. 

Engagements, marriage, an¬ 
nouncement of, 153-154, 156; 
European customs, 153; recep¬ 
tion after, 155; broken, 157. 
See chapter on Courtship and 
Engagements, 152-157. 

English service at dinner, 109. 

Engraving, type-forms for cards 
and invitations, 38, 162. 

Envelopes, 72, 73, 159. 

Etiquette, meaning of, 9; historic 
basis for, 9; local variations 
in, 9, 10; for engaged couples, 
155-156. 

Evening clothes, see chapter on 
Dress for Various Occasions, 
228-233. 

Expenses, funeral, 194, 195; 

traveling, 201-204, 211, 212; 
on automobile tour, 216; wed¬ 
ding, 165-166, 169-170. 

Ex-President of the United 
States, how to introduce, 18-19. 

Fee, for clergyman, at wedding, 
169; at christening, 193 ; at fu¬ 
neral, 196. 

Fiancee, see chapter on Court¬ 
ship and Engagements, 152- 
157. 

Finger-bowls, 114-115, 118, 120. 

Fish, how to eat, 118. 


Flag courtesy, chapter on, 225- 
227; removing hat, 14, 225. 

Flower girls, 169, 180, 181. 

Flowers, for debutante, 87; at 
funerals, 194-195, 196-197; for 
the table, 87, 110; at a wed¬ 
ding, 165, 166, 169-170; at 
luncheon or breakfast, 95; for 
hostess-chaperon, 141. 

Food, at an afternoon tea, 84, 
88, 90; at card parties, 91; for 
dinner, 97, 106, 109; at chris¬ 
tening party, 193; for .wed¬ 
ding, 182-183, 92-93, 109; for 
luncheon, 95-96; for breakfast, 
92-93, 94. 

Footmen, house, 235. 

Foreign words on menu, 204-209. 

Foreigners, how to address, 78, 
79, 98-99. 

Fork, 111, 116, 117. 

Fruit, how to eat, 119; as table 
decoration, 119. 

Funerals, removing hat at, 14; 
flag at military, 227; chapter 
on, 194-199. 

Games, introduction of partners 
at, 26. See also Cards and 
card parties. 

Gentleman, the, see chapter on 
The Gentleman as Host and 
Guest, 141-145; greetings of, 
12-14, 16; and employees, 13, 
32-33 ; and his family, 13 ; cut¬ 
ting never done by, 14-15; 
rises when ladies enter room, 
15, 143; introduction of, 18, 
21, 22; and letter of introduc- 






Alphabetical Index 


251 


tion, 28 ; calling card of, 41-42, 
43, 144; calls, 48-49, 51, 130, 
144, 167; use of title, 42, 78-83 ; 
at opera, 59-60; at a tea, 85-86; 
at a luncheon, 92, 95; at a 
card party, 89; at a breakfast, 
91, 92, 96; at a stag party, 91; 
at a dinner, 100-101, 107, 144; 
at a dance, 25, 126, 127, 131- 
132; bachelor dance, 131; tips 
at house party, 138-139; and 
business courtesy, 220, 242; 
correspondence, 70. See also 
Bridegroom, Best man, etc. 

Gifts, to bride by bridegroom, 
155, 166, 170; to bride from 
friends, 172-174; to brides¬ 
maids, 166; to ushers and best 
man, 170; acknowledgment of, 
75, 173-174; accepting by 

young girl, 149, 152. 

Girls, see Young girl. 

Gloves, when to wear, 230, 231, 
233 ; when to remove, 16, 86, 
87, 90, 91, 179; at luncheon, 
95; at dinner, 100; for door¬ 
man, 103 ; worn by bride, 167 ; 
worn by bridegroom and ush¬ 
ers, 170, 171, 176; worn by 
pallbearers, 195. 

Godparents, 191-193. 

Governor, letter to, 80-81; how 
to address, 80; how to intro¬ 
duce, 19; how to announce, 
101 . 

Greetings and salutations, chap¬ 
ter on, 12-17. 

Guests, at teas, 85-89; at theater, 
58-59; at dinner, 98-104; at a 


dance, 125, 128-129, 130; when 
late at dinner, 101-102; of 
honor, 65, 88, 102, 104; in a 
home, 105, 137-138; entertain¬ 
ing friends, 138; tips by, 138- 
139. See also chapter on The 
Hostess, the Guest and Hospi¬ 
tality, 133-140. 

Guests, distinguished, 18-19. 

Handwriting, 70. 

Hat, lifting of, 12, 13, 14, 16; re¬ 
moval of by gentleman, 12, 14, 
86, 195; at a tea, 88-90; at a 
card party, 91; at a wedding, 
176, 185. 

Home, manners at, 241. 

Honorable, title of, 79. 

Host, bachelor as, payment of 
restaurant checks by, 204; at 
breakfast, 96; at dinner, 101- 
102, 105; at theater, 55-56. 
See chapter on The Gentle¬ 
man as Host and Guest, 141- 
145. 

Hostess, the, shaking hands, 16; 
introducing guest, 21-22, 26; 
introducing daughter, 20-23; 
receiving guests, 47-48; at a 
stag party, 91; at dinner, 98- 
102, 106; at a tea, 84-90; at 
a breakfast, 93-95 ; at a dance, 
126-127, 129; served first at 
dinner, 112; at theater or 
opera, 57-59; as chaperon, 141- 
142. See chapter on The 
Hostess, the Guest and Hospi¬ 
tality, 133-140. 

Hotels, making calls in, 49; 





252 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


guests in, 202-204, 211-212; 
weddings in, 186. 

House party, introductions at, 
26; invitations to, 133-134; 
time limits for, 134-135; meet¬ 
ing guests invited to, 215-216; 
bachelor’s, 142. 

Housekeeper, 234. 

Housemaids, 235-236. 

Husband and wife, 34, 41, 98, 
124, 142, 202-203. 

Introductions, chapter on, 18-29; 
of gentlemen to ladies, 12; of 
ladies, 19, 20; of ladies to 
gentlemen, 18; avoidance of, 
24; greetings at, 17; forms of, 
19-20; at a dance, 25, 128-129; 
at tea dances, 87, 89; to group, 
22; of partners at games, 26; 
at dinner, 26; at a house 
party, 26; at opera, 26; at a 
reception, 26; business, 26; 
when traveling, 201, 210; of 
guests of honor, 26; letters of, 
27-29, 44; of titled personages, 
18, 19, 80, 82; self, 23, 101; 
partial, 26; undesired, 24. 

Invitations, to theater and dance, 
57; to a wedding, 63, 159-164; 
to wedding breakfast, 93; to 
formal dinner, 64, 97-98; to 
teas, 84, 86, 88; to a dance, 
64, 123-124, 132; to a ball, 
132; to an informal dinner, 
105-106; to house guest, 133- 
134, 140; by bachelor, 142- 
143; to a christening, 191; to 
children’s parties, 239-241; to 


wedding anniversaries, 187; 
utility card for, 63, 97, 123; re¬ 
calling, 67, 68, 187; postpon¬ 
ing, 67; reply to, 67, 91, 106. 
See chapter on Invitations and 
Announcements, 63-68. 

Jewelry, of mourners, 198; of 
debutante, 229; of a gentle¬ 
man, 231, 233 ; of bride, 167; 
at a dance, dinner or opera, 
229. 

Judge, how to introduce a, 18-19. 

Justice of Supreme Court, letter 
to, 80-81; how to address, 80; 
how to introduce, 18-19. 

King, see Royalty. 

Knife, 110-111, 116, 117-118. 

Lady, the, introducing to gentle¬ 
man, 18, 19; and employees, 
13, 32-33. 

Lady’s maid, 235. 

Leave-taking, 21; after dinner, 
194-105; at bachelor entertain¬ 
ment, 141, 142; after introduc¬ 
tion, 21, 22; after a dance, 
127, 129. 

Letters, see chapter on Notes and 
Letters, 69-77; country house, 
71; of introduction, 27-29, 44. 

Living alone, by young girls or 
women, 150. 

Local customs, 9. 

Luncheon, see chapter on Break¬ 
fasts, Luncheons and Suppers, 
92-96; as announcement party, 
154. 





Alphabetical Index 


253 


Mah-jongg (same as card 
parties), 66, 91. 

Maid (or matron) of honor, 
asked to serve, 164; duties of, 
168, 169, 179; dress of, 168. 
Manners, definition of, 9; 
changes in, vii; early training 
in, 238-241; an asset in busi¬ 
ness, 145; of young people, 
146-147. See also under spe¬ 
cific subject: Dinners, Dances, 
etc. 

Marquis, addressing, 78; sons 
and daughters of a, 78-79. 
Mayor, letter to, 80-81; how to 
address, 80; how to introduce, 
19, 101. 

Men’s clothes, see Clothes; see 
also chapter, Dress for Various 
Occasions, 228-233. 

Menus, 111, 185, 204-209. 
Minister plenipotentiary, see 
Ambassador. 

Monograms, 71. 

Motion picture houses, manners 
while in, 56-57. 

Motors, see Automobiles; Travel. 
Mourning, cards, 52, 198-199; 
clothes and customs, 197-198; 
and weddings, 187; stationery, 
198. 

Music, at a funeral, 165; at a 
wedding, 165; at a wedding 
reception, 182; at a dance, 126. 
Musicales, 90, 94, 99. 

Napkins, 111, 120. 

Newcomer in town, 44. 

“Not at home,” 47. 


Note paper, 70. 

Notes, chapter on, 69-77; ad¬ 
dress on, 70; date on, 70; ink 
used on, 71; crest and mono¬ 
gram on, 71; of thanks, 67, 73- 
74, 139; in third person, 72; of 
condolence, 76, 198; acknowl¬ 
edgment of, 198-199; announc¬ 
ing engagement, 154-155 ; 
acknowledging congratulations 
and gifts, 73-74, 155, 173-174; 
acknowledging formal invita¬ 
tion, 162; to servants, 237. 

Opera, manners at, 55-57, 59-60; 
invitation to, 57; seating in 
box, 59; visiting in box, 59-60. 

P. p. c. card, 52. 

Packages, carrying of, 55, 143. 

Pages, at wedding, 169, 180-181. 

Pallbearers, 194-196. 

Parish work, 61-62. 

Parties, children’s, see chapter on 
Children's Manners and Enter¬ 
tainments, 238-241; see also 
under specific subject: House 
parties, Automobiles, etc. 

Pew cards, 161. 

Place cards, 103, 111. 

Plates, see chapter on Table Set¬ 
ting and Service, 109-115. 

Politeness to employees, 60, 212, 
236, 242-243. 

Pope, letters to the, 82-83; how 
to address, 82; introduction to, 
82. 

Postponing wedding, 187. 

1 Poultry, how to eat, 118. 












254 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


Prayer-book, carried by bride, 167. 

Presentation at court, 18, 78. 

President of United States, intro¬ 
duction to, 18, 80; announc¬ 
ing, 101; letter to, 80-81; in 
speaking to, 80. 

Priest, introducing, 18; address¬ 
ing, 82; letter to, 82-83. 

Prizes at card party, 91. 

Public places, see chapter In 
Public Places, 53-62; see also 
Restaurants, Shopping, etc. 

Rabbi, addressing, 82; letter to, 
82-83 ; introducing, 82. 

Rank, persons of, how to address, 
80-84; announcing, 18-19. 

Receptions, invitation to, 65, 66; 
guest of honor at, 26, 67; for 
bride, 155; for debutante, 87; 
wedding, 26, 52, 181-182; 

christening, 192; dress at, 87. 
See also chapter Teas and 
Other Afternoon Entertain¬ 
ments, 84-91. 

Registering at a hotel, 202-203. 

Regret, notes of, to theater in¬ 
vitation, 58; to wedding break¬ 
fast, 93; to wedding, 163; to 
a dinner, 98; to a house party, 
134. 

Restaurant, etiquette in a, 203- 
204; tips in a, 203-204; greet¬ 
ing friends in a, 15; the de¬ 
butante in a, 148. 

Riding clothes, 230. 

Ring, engagement, 156, 164, 167; 
wedding, of widow 7 , 167; extra 
at wedding, 172. 


Ring-bearer, 180-181. 

Rising when ladies enter room, 
15. 

Royalty, how to address, 79; 
presentation to, 18. 

Russian service at dinner, 109. 

Salad, how to eat, 117. 

Salutations, chapter on Greetings 
and Salutations, 12-17. 

Salutes, 12. 

Seating at dinner table, 93, 95, 
96, 100, 101, 102, 107. • 

Second marriage, 167, 170. 

Self-introductions, 23, 101. 

Senator, letters to, 80-81; how to 
address, 80-81; introduction of, 
81. 

Servantless house, the, 237; call¬ 
ing at, 49; teas in, 85; hostess 
and guest in the, 133. 

Servants, chapter on The Servant 
in the House, 234-237; at teas, 
84, 85, 86, 88, 90; at formal 
dinner, 99, 102-105; at wed¬ 
ding breakfast, 93; at house 
party, 137, 144; manners of, 
to visitors, 45-47. 

Serving coffee, 84, 90, 96, 104, 
111, 116; see also Teas, Din¬ 
ners, etc. 

Serving dinner, etc., see chapter 
on Table Setting and Service, 
109-115. 

Shaking hands, 16-17. 

Shopping courtesy, 60. 

“Showers,” 156-157. 

Slang, 35-36. 

I Sleeping-car, 200-202. 





Alphabetical Index 


255 


Smoking, when greeting friends, 
12; in public places, 55; after 
dinner, 104, 115; by ladies, 
104; at a woman’s club, 223. 

Society, definition of, 10. 

Speech, habits of, 30, 35, 239. 

Spinsters, chapter on Spinsters 
and Chaperons, 146-151; an¬ 
nouncing own marriage, 164. 
See also Debutantes, Young 
girls. 

•Spoon, use of, 111, 117-118. 

Stag dinner, 91. 

Stamps, 73. 

Stand-up luncheons and break¬ 
fasts, see Buffet. 

Steamer etiquette, 210-211. 

Strangers, at afternoon tea, 87; 
cards left for, 48, 90; calls on, 
42, 44; asking invitations for, 
129; cutting in by, 128. 

Street, manners while on, 13, 53, 
54, 55. 

Street-car, courtesy in a, 13, 54- 
55; talking in, 53. 

Subjects to be avoided in con¬ 
versation, 34. 

Supper, at a dance, 129, 132. 

Table, dinner, 109-115; decora¬ 
tion of, 110; luncheon, 95-96; 
tea, 84, 85, 88; linens, 110; 
wedding breakfast, 92-93; 
manners at, chapter on, 116- 
121 . 

Table setting and service, 108- 
115. 

Talk, see chapter on Conversa¬ 
tion* 30-36. 


Teas, chapter on, 84-91; invita¬ 
tions to, 63, 65; sending one’s 
card to, 52; studio teas, 142; 
tea dances, see Dances. 

Telephone, during meals, 104; 
invitations by, 105, 140, 133 ; 
use by guest, 138-139; chapter 
on the, 218-221. 

Thanks, letters and notes of, 73- 
74, 155, 174, 198-199. 

Theater, entering, 55; manners 
in, 55-57; preferred seats in, 
57; chaperoning at, 57; invita¬ 
tions to, 57. 

Tips, at a club, 223-224; on a 
train, 201-202; porters, 201; on 
a steamer, 210-211; cloak 
room, 108, 125; in a hotel, 
203; in a restaurant, 203-204; 
to household servants, 138-139. 

Titled foreigners, 19, 78-79. 

Titles, 18-19, 80-83, 72-73. 

Toasts, 154, 193. 

Training of children, chapter on, 
238-241. 

Traveling, 206-213; abroad, 211- 
213; by automobile, 216-217. 

Tuxedo, 100, 144, 171, 210, 232- 
233. 

Typewritten letters, 70. 

Ushers, at a wedding, 93, 171- 
172, 176-181; at a funeral, 
195. 

Valet, 234-235; brought by guest, 
137. 

Vegetables, how to eat, 117. 

Vice-President of United States, 






256 


Standard Book of Etiquette 


letter to, 80-81; how to ad¬ 
dress, 80; how to announce as 
guest, 101; how to introduce, 
18, 80. 

Visits, chapter on Cards and 
Visits, 37-52. See also Calls, 
Condolence, Opera. 

Waitress, see chapter on Table 
Setting and Service, 109-115. 

Wedding anniversaries, 187. 

Wedding journeys, 170, 171, 183- 
184, 188. 

Weddings, chapters on, 158-175, 
176-187, 188-190; recalling 

wedding invitations, 68. 

Week-end invitations, 135, 140. 

Widow, calling card of, 39, 40; 
mourning clothes of, 197-198; 
as dinner hostess, 102; as 
dance hostess, 124; wedding 
invitations of, 161, 164; wed¬ 
ding ring of, 167; wedding 
dress of, 167, 


Widower, etiquette for a, 144, 
170; mourning clothes of, 198. 

Women’s clubs, 222-224. 

Words and phrases, to avoid, 35- 
36; slang, 35; foreign, on a 
menu, 204-209. 

Writing paper, 70. 

Yachting party, 141-142. 

Young girl, living alone, 150; 
and introductions, 17, 20, 24; 
calling cards of, 39, 40; as 
head of father’s house, 51, 149; 
at theater party, 58-59; corre¬ 
spondence with men, 77; at 
house party, 134; motoring, 
147, 149; at bachelor entertain¬ 
ments, 141-142; traveling, 149; 
acceptance of gifts, 149, 152; 
at a club, 223-224; and busi¬ 
ness calls, 242. See also Chap¬ 
erons; Debutantes; Business 
women. 

Young men, see Gentleman . 


W. B. C. 





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